Friday, January 30, 2009

Having A Contest

As we sat back from the table each of us reaching to unbuckle our pants after gorging ourselves in honor of my late father's birthday Mom looked over at me and said "I can't breathe. I ate too much, again. Let's go to Walmart".

Now this was unusual because Mom hates Walmart. "Why do you want to go to Walmart"?

"I want to get a new bathroom scale", she said.

"Why"?

"I want to lose some weight. And I am going to give you my old scale because you need to lose some weight too".

"But Mom, I'm the MA Fat Woman, I'm supposed to be fat", I replied.

"Now, don't you get smart with me young lady. You're not too old for me to snatch you up by the hair on your head. Besides, you told your doctor that you would work on becoming the MA Less Fat Woman. How's that coming along"?

"Uh..."

"Just what I thought. Here's what we're going to do: We need to start out slow and let's see if we can lose 10 pounds. We need to make it interesting and we have to stay motivated. In order to keep us motivated, I have thought long and hard about something that we could do to help us lose those ten pounds quickly. We're not going to shave our legs until each of us has lost ten pounds".

"What"?

"You heard me the first time. I didn't stutter. What's the difference anyway? You aren't wearing shorts out in public. And don't you always get that winter time itch from dry skin on your legs"?

"But, Mom, I thought you said that when you get to be your age the hair on your legs stops growing".

"Nuts! That's what we're doing. Come on, let's go get the scale. I need to go walk off some of that T-bone we just ate".

So, that's how I have found myself in a contest with my mother. Neither of us is allowed to shave our legs until we've both lost 10 pounds.

I'll keep you posted.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

A Very Special Tribute

Today would have been my Dad’s 74th birthday. Dad liked nothing better than having a steak for his birthday. Mom likes a Ribeye, but not Dad, he liked a T-Bone, the bigger the better. In recent years, the local steakhouse closed down, reopened, closed again, reopened as a church, closed again and has now reopened as a Mexican restaurant.

Confused? Me too!

So, in keeping with the family tradition, we’re going out for T-bones at the new Longhorn that has opened near where the old steakhouse once stood.

I’m sad you can’t be with us but we know you’ll be watching. I don’t know if you ever got to eat at Longhorn or not but I hear they cook a really mean steak.

We miss you.

Gopher

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Stuff I Wonder About

Now that we have a new President in office I'm curious about how some of the ordinary mundane tasks get accomplished at the White House. I know there is a personal staff that probably does a lot of the cleaning and cooking but what about if the President just wants to take a swig from the milk jug?

Does the First Family have their own private refrigerator that can be raided day or night?

If so, who makes out that shopping list? Do they clip coupons? Do they search the weekly circulars looking for the best deal on laundry detergent?

Speaking of laundry, who folds the Presidential underwear? I would think that person would have to go through a tougher security screening process--too much starch in the wrong place can make for a touchy situation.

Who signs the President's payroll check? Is he paid biweekly? Does he have direct deposit? Where does he get cash from? Does he need any cash?

What about surfing the web? You know the First Lady might want to pick up something on Ebay. I guess the girls wear JCrew now, just wait, in a few years everything will be Hollister. Hollister is cheaper to buy online.

I wonder if you ever feel comfortable in the White House? They say that the private family quarters are very private? I'm not so sure about that. Are the walls soundproof? What if the First Couple gets into a squabble about something? Is the Secret Service dude standing outside the door going to rush in if he hears a plate or two being tossed against the wall?

Is it just me but does the President sound like Yogi Bear when he speaks sometimes? I dunno Michelle, if a tree falls in the forest and nobody hears it, does it make a sound?

What about all of those credit card offers, do they come addressed to him personally at the White House? Do you think he uses that service that keeps tabs on his credit report each month?

Lastly, do you think he has ever wanted to have that mole removed?

Monday, January 26, 2009

An One Senior

Mom and I went to dinner and a movie this weekend. We saw the Curious Case of Benjamin Button and then had dinner at a new Cuban restaurant. The movie was interesting, albeit a little bit curious. Anyhow, at least it was different.

Movies have gotten really expensive. The regular price for an evening show is $9.75. The matinee (before 6 PM) price is $7.25 and the Senior rate(age 55 & over)is also $7.25. As we waited in line to puchase our tickets Mom kept reminding me to ask for the Senior rate--make sure you ask for the Senior rate. Since it was before 6 PM, the matinee and Senior tickets were going to be the same price so I didn't mention the Senior rate.

Oh my goodness! Mom went Senior on me and the ticket agent: "What kind of place you people running here? I worked my whole life paying school taxes to keep you kids in pimple cream and xerox paper. You think you could help a senior out by giving them a discount on a movie ticket. And furthermore, why does it cost 15 bucks for a drink and popcorn? I know those big time movie stars make 40 million a picture, but why should I have to pay for it? As a senior that has proudly paid her taxes since before our current President was born, I think I deserve a discount."

Nobody said anything until the ticket agent said this: "It's after 6 PM, so I'm going to have to charge you full price of $9.75 and..."

"An one Senior"!

Friday, January 23, 2009

Mi Costenita

Spanish isn’t my second language. I had to stop and get gas the other day and happened to stop at a store in a neighborhood that has a growing Hispanic population. As I breezed through the front entrance I was met with the loudest Salsa music that I have ever heard. Trying to get into the swing of things I looked at the clerk and shouted Ole’ a couple of times. I walked twice around the large sombrero display that was advertising the Coke special of the week and belted out one more Ole’ for good measure.

I wanted to get a bag of chips but I’m tired of the brands and flavors that they have in my area. I wanted to try something different. I came across a display that was selling authentic Hispanic snacks: Wheat pellets with chili & lemon, that’s what the label said. I thought they looked more like BBQ pork rinds.

I grabbed a bag and headed on over to the counter. I thought I would try out my language skills.

“Caliente”? I asked.

“No, they’re not hot at all. And the word is comida for spicy, not caliente”, said the clerk.

“Are they any good”?

“Muy bien”.

As my head continued to bob and pound along to the pulsating and throbbing music I watched the girl ring up my transaction and hold up my bag of wheat pellets to another clerk and they both started laughing, in Spanish.

When they looked at me I gave a big grin and smiled like an idiot. I didn’t know what they were laughing about. That’s what you do in situations like that when you don’t understand the language—you either talk really loud or smile like an idiot.

I grabbed my purchases, gave them another Ole’ and out the door I went, smug in the fact that I had tried to speak with someone in their own language.

You’ve probably figured out that this story isn’t going to end well. I was able to eat five (5) of those comida, caliente things before my tongue went numb and I started to sweat. I had to toss the rest of the bag. Now, I realized why they were laughing at me. Stupid American is probably what they were thinking. We’ll teach you to make fun of us.

Ole’?

Or maybe, Touché!

Thursday, January 22, 2009

To Blackberry Or Not

That is the question. Call me old-fashioned or something, but, do we really want our President to have a Blackberry? Potentially, a lot could go wrong there.

Even if you have just an ordinary cell phone, those pesky buggars can go off at the most inopportune times.

But, what if you are the President? A few examples:

"Excuse me, your Majesty (Queen of England) I gotta take this call".

"Hey Osama, it's Obama, can you turn yourself in"? (This could be a could thing.)

"Michelle, can you (bbbbuuuzzzzz)( No, Hilary, I don't know if you can be my running mate in four years.) pass me the potatoes, please"?

"No, Pete (Rose) I am not God. He's the only one that is going to be able to get you into the Hall of Fame".

Do you think if other world leaders got his number if any of them would call and maybe so some heavy breathing on the end of the line?

What about just calling and hanging up?

I'm not sure if it is a federal offense to call and hang up on the President or not.

What about during the State of the Union address? "My fellow Americans, it is with great (Ring, Ring, Ring, Buzz, buuzz) Sorry about that, it was supposed to be on silent mode. Now, where was I"?

Maybe, I watch too many movies or something, but it would seem that the technology is certainly there to hack into any phone system. They did it to Paris Hilton and Sarah Palin.

The one thing we won't have to worry about is the President trying to send a text message and drive at the same time. But, will the Blackberry be so distracting that he loses focus somewhere else? In his speech he quoted scripture "to put away childish things", I'm not saying a Blackberry is childish. But, when you are the most powerful man in the world holding the keys to the largest military arsenal in history, do you really want to be distracted by the buzz, buzz of a cell phone?

To Blackberry or not?

Not.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

A Day For Optimism

I’d like to say that I’m a glass half-full kind of gal. I try to keep myself open for a door that might swing my way and open me up to a whole new world where everyone says please and thank you. I know, stop laughing. I haven’t gone off my rocker, although my rocker is no longer on the porch and has been put away in storage for the winter.

We have all been suffering one way or the other these past few months. Luckily, I haven’t lost my house, I have enough food to eat and I’m paying most of my bills. I did lose one of my part-time jobs the other day; but, I might be able to pick up another one in the next few weeks. (See, half-full)

Everyone knows that today is the day that all of the changing is supposed to start changing.

I changed a lot of things last week.

I changed a light bulb in the bathroom.

I changed the cat box three times.

I changed my mind several times about taking a trip to Vegas. (I wish)

These changes are by no means earth shattering to anyone other than me and the cat. I like to have a light on when I use the facility and we both like a clean litter box.

I have already started the changing in my life. I’m hopeful and optimistic that the economy will recover, people can stay in their homes, people can afford health insurance and the troops will come home.

Change, change, change!

But?

Don’t the more things change, the more they stay the same?

I hope not.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

The Big Chill

I almost fainted a couple of days ago. It seems that the weather people were actually correct with a weather forecast.

The forecasts said to expect Arctic temperatures. A huge cold front was sweeping down from the north which was already frozen over.

They were right. The older house that I live in is really quite drafty. To get warm you have to go outside and stand in front of a window because all of the heat just seems to go out through the window. I tried putting plastic sheeting over the window but the cat attacked it and shredded it from top to bottom. (I think he thought it looked tacky or something.)

I have stuffed towels and blankets around the door jams in an effort to seal off the drafts but that doesn't seem to be working either. I usually have to go into one of those rooms as soon as I get it sealed off.

Mom stopped by for about 30 seconds yesterday. She wanted to know if I had anything against turning up the furnace. I walked her over to the furnace and showed her it was on full blast. She just shivered and said it feels like the icebox that we used to live in on Cherry Fork Road.

As she was heading back out the door she noticed that I was in my winter gear. Long johns, sweat pants, two pairs of socks, t-shirt, sweatshirt, hooded jacket and a skull cap. She just laughed and said it was a good thing that I remembered how to layer my clothes because it was going to be even colder tonight. You can always come spend the night with me she said.

I might just take her up on that. Anything below 45 degrees and I become practically useless. I moved to the south for a reason. I just didn't expect the big chill to follow me.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Seens At The Airport

Once again I found myself on an undercover assignment at the airport. I don't travel that often but each time I go there for a job I have to go through security. So, I am beginning to learn the tricks of the trade.

At the Atlanta airport there are now different security gates for different kinds of travellers. Of course, they have a line for the business traveller--folks that are flying out weekly. These passengers don't even look up from their newspaper when they pass through security. Off with the belts, jackets and shoes. Laptops and briefcases in the gray plastic bins. Smile at the officer as you get puffed by the new screening machine and you're on your way.

Another line is one that is for those that need special assistance. Maybe, you are an elderly person or perhaps, physically challenged. You could be a mom travelling with three screaming children (I hope you're not sitting by me). Anyone basically that might need some kind of assistance.

The next lane that I noticed open was one that read novice/casual traveller. Personally, I thought that line was pretty self-explanatory. Or, so I thought.
I was walking past a couple probably in their mid 40s deep in conversation with a TA agent. It seems they were confused about which line to get into. They wanted to know if there was an "expert" line to join. It seems that they had flown to Vegas once so this wasn't their first time flying.

I laughed at that until I was blue in the face.

Monday, January 12, 2009

More Birthday Wishes

It's been a really festive time for the MAFW's family. It seems that the Holidays were just a big blur...with all the eating, complaining about how much we ate, and my niece complaining about how fat she is (She's 5'2" and weighs 90 lbs) My left leg weighs 90 lbs.

We had my sister's (Big Red as she DOESN'T like to be called) birthday and I hear it was very festive.

Now, it's time for another birthday. My big brother is celebrating his birthday today. Since we are sharing the family nicknames....drum roll please. His nickname is Boy, sometimes called Big Boy.

Boy is a fan of WW II and can give you all the information ever needed if you are building a house since he has a background in construction.

He taught me how to play football, throw a perfect strike (complete with a full wind up) and how to play chess.

He also taught me how to chew tobacco, scratch my butt, cuss a blue streak, throw cow patties, wrestle a hog and spit and catch loogies. (Most of these tricks I have since out grown) (Most) However, it is good knowledge to have.

So here's to you! Happy Birthday!

MA Fat Woman

P.S. I ate your birthday present.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Nightlights

I pulled an all-nighter a few days ago. I mentioned the rain that we had been experiencing for the last few days and my schedule has gotten a bit off track. I’ve been sleeping a lot, hibernating maybe?

I was very comfortable in my recliner watching television and surfing the web. Before I knew it, it was about 2:30 AM and I knew I needed to go to bed but I was too lazy to go up stairs. I’m not one for dozing in my recliner because I like to sleep on my side and the recliner just ain’t made for side-sleeping. Plus, the cat always gets fed on the fives—5 AM and 5 PM. There ain’t no rest for anyone if he gets off schedule.

I was tired of watching commercials and especially the Sham Wow guy. He is advertising something new but I turned him off before he could begin his spiel. I settled back into my chair and began to get adjusted to my surroundings. I know it’s my house and my recliner but I don’t normally sit around in the dark. Except here’s the thing, I wasn’t in the dark. There were lights everywhere. My VCR had a green light and was 12 o’clock and blinking. My television has a red light. My DVD player has a green light. (Blinking) My ipod player has a blue light. (Blinking) My laptop has 3 green lights. My answering machine has a green and red light. My potable electric heater has an orange light. I have two power strips that have orange lights.

What in the world do I need all of these lights for? I wonder how much less my electric bill would be if those lights weren’t staring and blinking at me?

Even sitting in the dark I had twelve lights on…no wonder I was up all night.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Birthday Wishes

I talk a lot about my family. It's amazing some of the stories that I can remember and hope to share more with you at a later date. Actually, some of the stunts we pulled as kids make me wonder how we all grew up into functioning adults.

Anyhow, today is my sister's birthday. In case anyone wants to know, her nickname is Big Red. Yep, she's got red hair and a fierceness to go along with it.

She resides in the frigid north where it snows all the time. Yuck!

I won't tell you how old she is because that wouldn't be sisterly. She is older than me though.

Happy Birthday Sister! May you have many more and continue to do things that make me laugh.

MA Fat Woman

P.S. Your present is still on my counter waiting to be mailed.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Picking Up Pennies

I finally made my way outside today. It's been raining a lot, so, the cat and I have been hibernating...finishing up the Christmas cookies and candy. I've yet to get started on my new less fat plan. I have been watching Oprah pour her guts out about how much weight she has gained. And the ladies on the View have been griping and complaining about their holiday weight gain too.

I haven't gotten on the scales; in fact, I don't have any. I only get weighed in at the doctor's office. I can usually judge if I am going up or down by how well my clothes are fitting. I've been wearing sweat pants for the past few weeks but I had an undercover assignment today, so I had to dress up.

I noticed my slacks were a little snug, but not to the point of being uncomfortable. I had run into the grocery store because I was out of bon bons and was walking back out to my car when I noticed something shiny on the ground. I'm always on the lookout for coins and I pick them up whether it's heads up or not. I shifted my bon bons to my opposite hand and bent down to swoop up the penny.

RRRRRIIIIPPPPPPPP! Uh oh! Yep, I had split the seam of my pants, all the way up the crack. I reached my hand around the back trying to ascertain the damage, gave a tug and a pull, and before you knew it, I had given myself a wedgie.

I looked down at my bon bons with a mix of disgust and pleasure. I could turnaround and take those delectable treats back inside and get something healthier. But, then someone might notice that my butt was now hanging out of my pants and my drawers were pulled up to my armpits.

I decided to get in my car and head on home. I know that I need to start eating better, just not today.

Monday, January 5, 2009

Two Weeks Notice

Today was a very special day for the 43rd President of the United States. According to my calculations he has only two weeks left in what has been a very stormy presidency. And you know what? I'll bet he's glad. I won't bore you with the details, but, we all have been affected by 9/11, the banking failures, and an economy that has been foundered to say the least.

If you have never tendered a two week's notice letter it goes something like this:

Dear So and So:

It is with extreme regret that I tender to you my resignation effective two weeks from today.

I am moving on to bigger and better things. I'm going to take a nap...for about a month.

I thank you for all of the blah, blah, blahs you and your idiot associates have presented me with and wish you nothing but moonbeams and unicorns in your future endeavors.

Sincerely, (Thank Goodness, I'm getting the hell out of here.)

George W. Bush

P.S. I am taking all of the office supplies that I could ever possibly need, as well as a few plates from the China Room. Whatcha' gonna do about it? Fire me?


Now, I'm not exactly sure that is what his letter said, but, I bet I'm not too far off. As time marches forward to the inauguration of the next President, you know he's got to be sitting in the Oval Office reclining in his chair counting the ceiling tiles and getting dizzy from spinning his chair in complete circles.

Two more weeks and then you're done. Take a rest, you've earned it.

Saturday, January 3, 2009

A Special Announcement

I finally pried myself away from my family. We've spent alot of time together recently, but, it's time to get moving ahead into the new year.

I have really enjoyed sharing my stories with you over the last few months and always enjoy your comments. Having said that, I am pleased to announce that there will be some changes coming to the MA Fat Woman. Folks ask me all the time why I don't add any pictures or sound to my blog? Why don't you spice up your banner and why is everything black?

Well, it's simple. Every fashion conscious gal out there knows that you can't go wrong with a simple, basic black dress.

That's why I'm keeping things just the way they are.

It may not be flashy and full of bright and shiny things, but (unless I get terribly long-winded on my reflecting) you'll be finished and off to somewheres else pretty quickly.

I know you're probably pitching a fit right about now wondering about the changes. What are they?

I have made it easier for you to find me. I am available now at www.middleagedfatwoman.com and to keep things even simpler, www.reflectionsonamiddleagedfatwoman.com.

I hope you enjoy the new look!

Thursday, January 1, 2009

Less Is Better

I wanted to get a head start on this year's resolutions, so I spent New Year's Eve baking. I eat out too often and I buy way too many prepackaged products. I'm a pretty good cook when I want to spend the time and effort.

My personal physician, who is now a regular reader of Reflections on a MA Fat Woman has encouraged me to become the MA Less Fat Woman.

Well, Crap! You know what that means? That little four-letter word that we all love to hate: D-I-E-T. My champagne buzz hasn't even started to wear off yet and I'm already beginning to think of ways that I can cheat on my new healthy eating plan--at least that's what they tell me it's called.

I probably shouldn't go out for Chinese food either. That's something I always do on New Year's Day.

It's a good thing I did all of that baking. I probably shouldn't mention what I made. Okay, you dragged it out of me. Chocolate Chip Cookies, and they sure are good.

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