Saturday, February 28, 2009

Somebody Moved My House

I am finally home after my extended stay at Casa de Mom's house. I think she was happy to see me go. I think she felt obligated to stay at home with me to hear me complain about being uprooted at 5:00 AM on a Monday morning and I know she missed at least one Bingo tournament and one Salsa music dance lesson.

I spent four nights at her house. I have finally worn my sister down complaining over the last few family gatherings and I get to sleep upstairs in the really big bed. (I spent many sleepless nights on the couch and on the foam thing that turns into a bed.)

I had received word from the landlord that it was safe to return to my domicile. Although, they would be in contact with me soon to finish the work on the inside. (We'll see about that.)

My house wasn't where I left it. It seems that they have put new white siding on the front to go with the puke green siding that is on the rest of the house. They had removed all of the shrubbery the day before Thanksgiving which I never mentioned because it made me madder than hell. Now, I have a new front porch that goes along the entire front of the house and a new tin roof.

Somebody moved my house!

It has rained steadily since I got home and I haven't been able to get any sleep because of the pounding of the rain on the new tin roof. The cat looks like someone has stepped on his tail, bless his heart, he ain't used to all that noise.

I'm just waiting for a call from the landlord. Somebody has to pay for all of these snazzy upgrades and I'm sure it will be me.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Home Away From Home

As you can tell from my photo to the right over there I'm a gal that likes to have fun. That picture was taken of me when I went 4-wheeling in the Grand Canyon a few years ago. So, imagine my surprise yesterday morning when I was awakened by pounding, hammering, and muffled curses outside my house. WTH? I staggered down the stairs and saw four men with all different kinds of equipment attacking my house. It seems that owners of the residence where the cat and I live in relative harmony wants to put new siding on the house, and maybe, a new roof too! Talk about FUN!!

WELL YE HAW!

Did anyone call the MA Fat Woman and tell her that this was supposed to happen?

No.

I called the cops on them.

A few hours later my landlord called and said they were going to be doing some remodeling and would need to be in an out of the house for a few days. I said I wasn't going to be home and have moved in with my Mom for the next few days.

That'll teach them a lesson, I'm sure. Don't they know they're supposed to call first.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Age Related Questions

I've spent a lot of time in front of the mirror lately. No, I don't consider myself vain, but I do like to present a pleasant exterior for the outside world to see. I don't do the "mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all" saying every time I glance at my reflection. After all, if you've been paying attention you'll remember that my sister (Big Red) is the fair-skinned member of our close knit family.

I don't comb my hair a lot either. If I comb it too much it starts to fall out. Mostly, I do the Arthur Fonzarelli (The Fonz) when it comes to my hair. I'll saunter up to the mirror, cock my head from one side to the other, give myself a thumbs up and an "Aaaayyyy" and out the door I'll go.

Whether you're male or female as you age certain issues begin to arise. Here are a few of the questions that I have when I search my reflection and wonder exactly who it is that is staring back at me.

1. Will I ever outgrow pimples, bumps and zits?

2. Will my hairline recede any slower if I start doing the comb over?

3. Is Grecian Formula just for men? (I'm going gray at the temples.)

4. Should I be offended if I get the Senior discount at Kroger? (I'm years away from that, officially anyway.)

5. Why do all of the young people keep calling me "Ma'am?"

6. Why do I have to spend as much time plucking black hairs on my chin than shaving my legs?

7. Why can't I figure out these new video games? (Nobody, and I mean nobody, can beat me at Galaga or Tempest.)

8. Why can't I find a career that's both rewarding and interesting?

9. At what age can I begin to have my midlife crisis?

10. Why do I consider cartoons goofy and boring?

11. Why is the President only 6 years older than me?

12. Will kids ever pull up their pants?

13. Will Steve Perry ever go back to Journey?

14. Why is gravity harder on women than on men? (A man that ages has character and ruggedness, a woman just looks like an old hag)

Lastly, how can I get some of that bailout money? At my age, I've already lost half of my 401K and got laid off from one of my jobs. You can send my stimulus check in care of the MA Fat Woman. I'll be waiting, because I need some stimulation too.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

I Made The Switch

I don’t usually get upset about things—it really doesn’t help the situation. However, I am highly annoyed at the Obama Administration for extending the time that folks have to make the switch to digital cable.

No, this isn’t a paid endorsement from the cable company. It isn’t a PSA from DTV.gov. It’s an honest to goodness irate citizen that is sick and tired of hearing my local news announcers count down the days until the February 17, 2009 deadline.

Well, guess what? It’s February 17, 2009 and now the US of A has to wait an additional 4 months before the grand switch can be made. Do you think that will make any difference? Do you think that the folks who didn’t switch before this deadline will make the switch before the next deadline. Me neither.

This was such an important day for me that I broke all of my previous rules. My blog isn't a picture blog, there are no bells and whistles. Just the text ma'am, just the text. I wanted to prove to myself and others that I could make the switch. I could make my blog digital. I even uploaded the how-to-video on how to install the digital converter box.





All of this talk about switching and converting and countdowns has turned me into a nervous wreck. Four more months of countdowns. Four more months of "if you receive your television signal through an antenna it won't work after such and such date."

I'm sick of it! No more delays.

P.S. I'm counting down the days when I won't have to hear that silly announcement anymore, aren't you?

Monday, February 16, 2009

No Explanation Needed

I've been having some problems with my right knee and decided to pay a visit to my general practitioner to see what was going on. After the usual poking and prodding I was instructed to lift my sweat pants up above my knee.

And that's where the trouble started.

If you're new to this adventure or if you might have forgotten about the contest that my mother and I are having you can check it out here.

My doctor took both hands and started pulling on my knee. He turned it this way and turned it that way. All the while keeping a straight face as my prickly hairs stabbed him with each grasp. You see it's been almost a month since the Lady Bic touched the MA Fat Woman, and I'm telling you straight, it ain't a pretty sight.

I was in such pain that I just had to tell the truth: "I'm sorry I haven't shaved my legs but my mom and I are having a contest to see who can lose ten pounds the fastest and we can't shave our legs until we both do."

He just looked at me and smiled, "No explanation needed, I've seen way hairier legs than yours, mostly on men, but, still hairier than you."

Saturday, February 14, 2009

My Funny Valentine

Roses are red and violets are blue
From the MA Fat Woman
Happy Valentine's Day to You !

I know it's kinda lame but it's the thought that counts, right? I was going to send you a box of chocolate but I ate them instead. And they were good.

What did one strawberry say to the other strawberry?
If you weren't so fresh we wouldn't be in this jam.

Knock, Knock,
Who's there?
Chesterfield
Chesterfield who?
Chesterfield my leg so I slapped him.

Knock, knock
Who's there?
Butch, Jimmy and Joe
Butch, Jimmy and Joe who?
Butch your arms around me, Jimmy a kiss, or I'll Joe home.

XOXOXO Happy Valentine's Day!

MA Fat Woman

Friday, February 13, 2009

How Superstitious Are You?

In one way or another I bet every person out there has a superstition that makes them be just a bit more careful on specific days, especially Friday the 13th. I've come up with a list of the things that I try to or try not to do to keep the bad juju away. See how many you know about or list your own in the comments section.

1. Don't leave your house on Friday 13th or even look out the window.

2. Don't walk under a ladder.

3. Don't let a black cat cross your path. (This one doesn't bother me too much because my cat is black.)

4. Step on a crack and you'll break your mamma's back.

5. Crossing your fingers for luck.

6. Crossing your legs for luck.

7. Crossing every part of your body for luck.

8. Saying "break a leg" to someone in the theatre.

9. Carrying around an item you consider lucky such as a rabbit's foot, lucky charms, or your children's baby teeth.

10. Keeping to the same routine no matter what happens. (That could be OCD!)

11. I always put my left leg in first when I put my pants on.

12. I used to always have to talk to one of my friends before I played in a basketball game.

14. Tossing salt over your shoulder when you spill it.

15. Kissing someone for luck.

16. Think positive thoughts.

17. And my personal favorite: Keep telling everyone that will listen, that one day, your luck is going to change, that proverbial ship is going to come in. You're doing all of those things that I just mentioned. You've crossed yourself until you resemble a pretzel. You've done the same thing for the last ten years. Your mom's back isn't broken and there's no way possible that the MA Fat Woman is getting anywhere close to a ladder.

So, I'm doing all the right things, I'm staying positive, my luck is about to change, right?

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Random Conversations

The Seen- The parking lot of a grocery store in a small southern town on a mid February sunny day.

Me: "Nice weather we're having today?"

Elderly Lady Sitting in Car: "Boy, it sure is. I'm jest sitting here recovering. I had all my theeth pulled out."

Me: "Excuse me?"

Elderly Lady in Car: "I got bad theeth and had have to those things pulled right outta my mouth. Hurt me so bad, that I started screaming for my 'ate dead 'usband to come git me."

Me: "Did you get any pain medicines?"

Elderly lady: "Nahh, 'entist said that I 'ad brittle bones and it might cause me to slip and fall and break a 'ip. Don't wanna do that. You been to the doctor lately?"

Me: "Well, acutally, I just spent three hours there today."

Elderly lady: "Oh, you poor chil'. It 'ust pains me to see you young folks 'aving so many problems. Ouch, that 'urt--wind must've got in there. Well, 'ere comes my dauther, we're going to someplace where they supposed to fit me for some 'alse theeth. 'ope you 'eel better. Bye, Bye!

Saturday, February 7, 2009

A Trip To The Mall

I had several undercover assignments this week that necessitated me visiting one of the largest malls in Georgia and I asked Mom if she wanted to tag along.

There was an extended silence on the phone as she shuffled through the pages of her day planner trying to see if she could work me in. (I'm the one who is supposed to have a full day planner, not my mom.) "I guess I'm available Friday. But, we need to get back early--I got something going on Friday night," she said.

Mom had gotten me one of those GPS gadgets for Christmas and she was convinced that I wasn't using it. I tried to explain to her that I really didn't need to use it when I am just walking around the house. Hmmphh-I knew where the fridge was. Anyhow, we had decided to take it along with us and Mom was oohing and aahing over the silky smooth voice that told me to make a left turn and head in the opposite direction of where we were going. The voice and I didn't quite agree on the correct way to our destination. I told Mom to turn it off because it kept yelling at me to make a U-turn when possible.

We drove for the next thirty minutes and then it was time to turn back on the voice. It wouldn't work. It kept telling me to make a left turn, make a left turn! The GPS voice by this time was practically a high-pitched squeal "WILL YOU MAKE A LEFT TURN, FOR PETE'S SAKE!"

"I don't like this thing," said Mom.

"Me neither," I replied. With that we unplugged the screaming banshee, banished her to the back seat and stopped and ask for directions.

Later that night after I dropped Mom off at her Friday night soiree' I fished the GPS from the back seat thinking I was going to figure out why it had stopped working. It wasn't hard to figure out. It seems that when we had turned it off, we had turned it to the Reset mode, not the Off position.

It had lost all of its programming.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

A Growing Trend

You'll have to excuse me for a second, but, I'm a bit confused about something.

I thought taxes were supposed to be paid.

How many people are in the President's Cabinet?

How many are being investigated for tax problems?

Do you think because they are public officials that they think they can get away with it?

Tax fraud, tax evasion, tax liens, back taxes--these are now the words that the American public is being subjected to; instead of, yes, we can.

It's a growing trend, and I don't like it.

Do you?

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Discarded

I like to keep things. Too many things, actually. I'm not really a pack rat like you've seen on TV. Most of the stuff is in boxes and labeled properly. I don't have pathways in my house that lead to other piles of stuff, junk, and more crap. I don't keep the Styrofoam containers that are used to hold meats purchased at the grocery store. (If you do that, well, you might need to rethink why it is specifically that you do that.)

I like to keep......cards. Yep, I'm a sucker for a Hallmark moment. I like all kinds of greetings, especially American. It's been said that the best way to somebody's heart is through their stomach--that's true, the MA Fat Woman does like a good pan of homemade macaroni and cheese. But, if somebody thinks enough of me to peruse the aisles searching for just the right card, I'm going to keep that card, probably forever.

So, therein lies the problem.

During my days working the counter at the post office I met a lot of folks and had lots of conversations. One such conversation stuck out in my mind as I contemplated my growing number of used greeting cards. A customer had mentioned donating used greeting cards, so, I did some research.

St. Jude's Ranch for Children has a 40 year history of healing and caring for abused, abandoned and neglected children. St. Judes provides healing and nurturing in a safe home-like environment where children can learn life skills to start new lives with new chances, new choices and new hope.

Of course, they take monetary donations, but they also take donations of used greeting cards. The used cards will have the backs of the cards (normally, where all of the mushy and handwritten stuff is located) removed and replaced with a new and recycled backing. The new cards are then offered for sale to the public at a reasonable price. What a great way to get rid of some stuff, help the environment and help out abused children.

I am including St. Judes link http://www.stjudesranch.org/help_card.php so you can get their address and all of the particulars. Please hurry, because they are only accepting donations of used cards until February 28, 2009 for this year.

BTW, this is my 150th post! If you'd like to send me a card for any reason just shoot me an email and I'll send you my virtual address.

Sunday, February 1, 2009

Super Bowl Predictions

I'm having a Super Bowl party......for myself. I was going to invite the only friend left that still talks to me but I can't remember her phone number and I don't have her email. Besides, she would rather watch reruns of House or NCIS instead of watching the Big Game.

Mom told me that I could come up to her house (and bring some snacks) and watch HGTV or the Food Network during the game if I wanted too. I think I'll stay home.

I took the time this week to knit the cat an Arizona Cardinals sweater because it has been such a long time since they played in the Championship game. By doing so, I broke all of the rules in the MA Fat Woman's house: The only teams that we're allowed to root for are the ones from Cincinnati. Who dey! Who dey! Who dey think gonna beat those Bengals. Well, everybody, actually!

I'm not even going to mention the other team that is playing because they regularly beat up on my beloved Bengals.

So, enjoy the commercials, have a few beers. Don't flush at halftime because you might cause the oceans to dry up.

Pray for no wardrobe malfunctions and don't double dip!


My prediction:

Arizona Cardinals 35
Other team 17

Enjoy the game.

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