Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Cock-A-Doodle.....Dead...Part I...Reissued

***I wanted you to re familiarize yourselves with the rooster story. It seems that there have been some key developments to the story...Stay tuned.*****



I've mentioned before that my mom lives way up a holler halfway up the side of a mountain. It's kinda out in the boonies if you know what I mean. Anyhow, the men in my family have always had chickens and Mom has hated every one of them. She likes having fresh eggs but not the messes that they leave behind. Invariably, one always seems to get out of the hen house, scratch around in her perfectly manicured flower beds and leave her a present on the front porch that she always steps in.

Damn chickens!

Over the past few years all of the chickens had either died or disappeared. Or, maybe, they just flew the coop. Mom no longer had any chickens, and she was glad.

One morning the next door neighbor that shares part of a driveway with her came over for a chat and mentioned that his Grandma that lived up the next holler had too many chickens and he was going to take a few and start him up an egg business. Dad had always shared his eggs with the neighbors and this fellow missed eating fresh eggs for breakfast. Before you knew it, those chickens had multiplied faster than ants at a summer picnic.

All of this would have been fine if he had built a chicken coop to keep those nasty things locked up, but he didn't. They were everywhere. In Mom's flower beds, leaving messes on both the front and back porches, crowing and clucking at all hours of the day and night. There's nothing worse than chickens that work on the third shift--up all night and sleep all day.

"Fire, Fire! My house is on fire," screamed the neighbor. "Call 911..."

Sunday, April 26, 2009

What Would Jesus Tweet? (WWJT)

As you have probably heard by now, everybody and their brother is now on Twitter. Athletes, movie stars, politicians, and even Oprah are now on Twitter, as well as everyday Americans like my friend Crotchety from Crotchety Old Man Yells at Cars and Kathy from the Junk Drawer Blog. They've been pestering me as to when I was going to get signed up so they could follow me during my day and see what's it like to be the MA Fat Woman.

I mean who doesn't want to know when I'm washing myself and a load of clothes? The World Wide Web is anxiously waiting for the Tweet that says "I shouldn't of had that extra helping of beans or broccoli" or "My mom announcing that we are going to have another yard sale." (Which we had this weekend, BTW.)

All of this leads me to the biggest question of all: What would Jesus Tweet? (WWJT)

Would he tell us to straighten up and fly right?

Would he tell us to stop being so mean to one another?

Would he tell us to stop spending so much money?

Would he tell us to spend more money?

Would he tell us to help out someone in need without wondering what was in it for them?

Or?

Would he tell us that he just fed the starving masses around the world with a break through new technology?

Would he tell us to start preserving our resources better?

Would he tell us to pay more attention to the elderly people because they have lots to share?

Would he tell us that he's amazed at the technology behind Twitter but wonders why people are so desperate, desolate and down and out?

What would Jesus Tweet? I don't think it could be summed up in 140 characters or less, do you?

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Keep The Change

I ran through the drive-thru the other day at one of the fast food restaurants here in town and something happened to me that has happened before and I'm not really sure how to react to it. (I know, very long sentence)

The pimply-faced young man that handed me change back from my twenty dollar bill dropped three coins that totaled 36 cents on the ground instead of in my hand.

Now.

What?

There was no way I could pick the change up because my car was too close to the side of the building. I couldn't pull up or back up because I had cars on both ends.

The kid in the window shrugs his shoulders and says "Oops", but doesn't offer to replace my change that he didn't place securely in my hand. I mean, wouldn't it be easier for them to send someone out and pick up the dropped coins and then drop them back in the register?

I know it was only 36 cents, but it all adds up, I didn't tell the kid he could keep the change.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Discounts Are Hard To Come By

I bought the Sunday paper on Tuesday last week. It seems that as a cost cutting measure the Atlanta Journal and Constitution won't deliver to my county any longer.

If I want to look at the Sunday paper on Sunday I have to drive 14 miles to get it. I have done this 4 times so far, and they have already sold out of the paper 3 times.

I know you're probably thinking, "Well, MA Fat Woman, why don't you just subscribe?" The paper has stopped all delivery to my county. No more paper routes, no more chasing the neighborhood dog, and no more chasing my crazy neighbor who thinks that the paper belongs to her.

Anyhow, I like to get the paper for the coupons. So, I had to run to the next county and stopped in at a convenience store. Wouldn't you know it, they had one copy of the Sunday paper left. I thought I'll snatch that paper right up and took it up to the counter. I still had to pay full price for the dang thing. (At least it still had the coupons in it.)

That night as I sat relaxing with the cat I started thumbing through the sales fliers. I hoped there might be a sale on the cat's cat food this week. I had finally made it through all the ads and there wasn't a coupon in sight. (Unless you count the free trial prescription for Cialis, which I don't need.)

Full price for the Sunday paper on Tuesday and I didn't even get any coupons. Some days, you just can't catch a break!

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Waiting On A Storm

I've always had an interest in storms. In fact, one of my favorite movies of all time is Twister. I used to be on the radio a few years back, the funnest job I ever had. It didn't pay much, but I was "The Voice" of bad weather for the local radio station.

(In my best radio voice)

"The National Weather Service in Peachtree City has just issued a Tornado Warning for ____ County until 10:45 PM. The storm was located 8 miles South Southwest moving North Northeast at 55 mph. The towns in the path of this storm are Katmandu, Nirwanda, Your uncle's buttcrack, and of course, the person with the worst teeth and worst vocabulary in a ten mile radius that will get their 10 seconds of on-air time."

Reporter: "What'd you see?"

Scary looking local: "Ahhh, I ain't seen nothin'. But, I heared a train comin' up the road. I grabbed up my kids, my mamma, 4 of my cats and little Clem here. Ain't she precious? I left my cigarettes outsides somewheres. The tornady must've sucked 'em right on up in the sky. You ain't got a smoke on ya, do ya? I needs something to calm my nerves down."

"Please go to the lowest point of your house, preferably a basement. If you do not have a basement, go to an interior room, a hallway, a closet or a bathroom. Stay away from doors and windows."

"If you see damage, large hail, or significant flooding, wait until the storm is over and call the National Weather Service at 1-555-Blowed-Away." 9 7 4 5 4 3 5 8 5

The National Weather Service has just issued a tornado warning...gotta go now, the cat and I will in the pantry under the stairs for the next thirty minutes or so.

Friday, April 17, 2009

Introducing The Cat




I'm happy to announce that my eyes aren't swollen shut any longer because of the yellow pollen that has permeated every orifice of my body.

My red mustang is now yellow!

I'm happy for you to meet the cat that has kept me company for the past three days.


His allergies are as bad as mine. We make a good pair.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Cock-A-Doodle.....Dead...Part I

I've mentioned before that my mom lives way up a holler halfway up the side of a mountain. It's kinda out in the boonies if you know what I mean. Anyhow, the men in my family have always had chickens and Mom has hated every one of them. She likes having fresh eggs but not the messes that they leave behind. Invariably, one always seems to get out of the hen house, scratch around in her perfectly manicured flower beds and leave her a present on the front porch that she always steps in.

Damn chickens!

Over the past few years all of the chickens had either died or disappeared. Or, maybe, they just flew the coop. Mom no longer had any chickens, and she was glad.

One morning the next door neighbor that shares part of a driveway with her came over for a chat and mentioned that his Grandma that lived up the next holler had too many chickens and he was going to take a few and start him up an egg business. Dad had always shared his eggs with the neighbors and this fellow missed eating fresh eggs for breakfast. Before you knew it, those chickens had multiplied faster than ants at a summer picnic.

All of this would have been fine if he had built a chicken coop to keep those nasty things locked up, but he didn't. They were everywhere. In Mom's flower beds, leaving messes on both the front and back porches, crowing and clucking at all hours of the day and night. There's nothing worse than chickens that work on the third shift--up all night and sleep all day.

"Fire, Fire! My house is on fire," screamed the neighbor. "Call 911..."

Friday, April 10, 2009

I Thought He'd Be Taller...Part II

...I thought "Wow, that guys looks the part all the time." I watched him as he jumped into that cool truck and hoped he would drive past me so I could check out his license plate. The front plate, lo and behold, said 'Alan Jackson' on it. Hmmmm!
As he drove past I was wanting to get his tag number and try to find him on the Internet. I got friends that can do that sort of stuff. I was a little disappointed to see that his plate wasn't one of those vanity plates that said "Chattahoochee" or "Summertime". Actually, it was just a generic plate and I forgot to get the number.

Anyhow, I looked back into the store and around the parking lot and folks were gesturing towards the truck--was that really him? I immediately got on my phone and called Mom because she is a big Alan Jackson fan. I got her voice mail once again because she was at her Sunday evening bingo tournament.

Not to be deterred I called my sister to let her in on the details. She's a REALLY BIG Alan Jackson fan. I went on and on about how I held the door for him. How he nodded in my direction. I mentioned his hat and his white cowboy boots, the fabulous truck and the ripped jeans.

The one factor that made me question whether it was him or not was his height. I'm 5'7" and this guy was barely taller than me. My sister agreed that she thought he was a long drink of water and was about 6'4". No way was this guy that tall.

It sure did look like him. My sister was so excited. Did you get his autograph? Did he have his daughters with him? Don't you live near the Chattahoochee? As we continued to go back and forth about possible conversations that we would've had with Alan had he been able to stay and chat I received a text message from Mom. Check the TV, it said. My sister and I both flipped on the television and there sat the real Alan Jackson at a country music awards show being aired lived from Las Vegas.

Or was it? Maybe, the guy on TV was the impostor?

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

I Thought He'd Be Taller...Part I

I ran up to the local gas station the other evening to pick up a couple of snacks and was on my way out the door and held the door for a gentleman who was on the way in. Nice of me, huh?

Anyhow, the guy was kinda slump shouldered and was wearing a plaid looking western shirt and a white hat. He had blond curly hair and a bushy mustache. I took one look at him and said, "Hey, you're Alan Jackson!" He nodded at me as I held the door for him and walked on inside. (Was that who I thought it was?)

I put my purchases in the Mustang and looked over at the vehicle he was driving. I'm not sure what I was expecting but it turned out to be a dual cab black pickup truck with steer horns across the front. I immediately appreciated the beauty of that truck. It wasn't a new truck but probably around 1995. It had tinted windows but I was able to see one other person inside.

I watched as he nodded to several other people, made his purchases and strode back through the door. I was watching him the whole way. I wanted to be sure that that was really him. I noticed that he was wearing white cowboy boots and ripped jeans...

Monday, April 6, 2009

That's A Wrap

I had another really great birthday this year. Instead of going out for a steak dinner that is the normal tradition. We decided to have a picnic and do some fishing. If you've been a regular reader of the MA Fat Woman then you know that my family likes fishing and picnics. If you're new you can check out some of our adventures here and here.

Anyhow, it seems that Mother Nature is trying to play catch up on about 7 years of drought by dumping 60 inches of rain in the last few weeks. (Not really, but close.) We haven't seen any sunshine since the last time the sun shined, go figure. Well, the sun came out in full force on my birthday and it was about 75 degrees. Beeyootifull!

I had made bbq'd ribs, baked beans, deviled eggs, tater salad (which Brother actually liked this time) and my friend had made me a homemade birthday cake decorated up all fancy and everything. We ate good.

After lunch we thought we would try our hand at some fishing. We didn't catch anything but a sunburn and, maybe, just a touch of indigestion from the eggs and beans. (I heard quite a few fish calls too, mainly from Brother.)

All in all, it was a really nice day. I'd also like to say thanks to everyone that dropped me birthday wishes and also thanks for reading my stories. I'm trying to compile my stories into book form so one day in the future there might be a hardcover version of Reflections on a Middle-Aged Fat Woman. Wouldn't that be exciting?

Saturday, April 4, 2009

It's My Birthday



It sure is going to take a lot of hot air to blow out all these candles.


Having problems deciding on what to get me for my birthday? Just leave me a comment and that will be just fine. (Except, of course, my family members and inner circle of friends. I'm sure you have spent weeks looking for just the perfect gift!)


MA Fat Woman

Friday, April 3, 2009

Remodeled Apartments

One of my friends that I went to college with called me from the New York area the other day complaining about the troubles that she was having finding new items for her recently remodeled apartment. I thought that was unusual because she spends so much time on the computer that she could probably just buy everything online.

Well, it seems she likes to buy larger items in person. One day, when I was doing some surfing of my own I came across a store Direct Buy Queens that was located near her that she might try. Since she had just moved to the area she wasn't familiar with them but would check them out.

I hope she gets her apartment filled with bright and shiny new fixtures soon because then she said I could come visit. Can you imagine? The MA Fat Woman in New York City (New York City). Watch out Broadway! Here I come!

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Judge For Yourself


This was my first catch of the year. Was is it a keeper? Judge for yourself.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

The Nerve Of That Woman...Part IV

...I really didn't want to go to jail. I know they provide three hots and a cot but I got this thing about confined places. They make me a little edgy. I was surveying the parking lot and there putting the last of her bags into the trunk of her 2008 Cadillac SRX was that nice old lady that was trying to stick me with her grocery bill. The nerve of that woman--telling me such a sob story about her finances, her retarded son and being swindled by the Fat cats up on Wall E street.

I pointed to her car and all of us went running over to where she was parked. "Lady, what are you doing? What are you trying to pull? You almost got me arrested for shoplifting. I've never seen you before today. I didn't want you to think I was being rude, so, I listened while you went on and on about all of your troubles, and here you are driving a Cadillac. About how you lost all of your money to that Milhoff guy, and, by the way, it's not Milhoff, it's Madoff. So, would you kindly tell me and the others here what kind of scam you are trying to pull?"

At that, the lady took one look at the cashier, the manager and the security guard and her shoulders just slumped in surrender. She looked past them and began to shuffle her feet as she fought for the words to explain this situation. "I bet you're wondering what this is all about," she said.

We all nodded our heads in unison and waited patiently for the answer. "All of that stuff I told you in the store...about my finances, raising my kids, losing everything I had to that Hillmoff guy...Well, I was just pulling your leg just like I'm pulling yours now.

Happy April's Fool Day!

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