Tuesday, November 29, 2011

The Thing About Handicapped Parking


If you've been a follower of this fascinating weblog then you know that the MAFW is an observer of many situations and problems that would otherwise go unnoticed. One such problem is handicapped parking.

Everyone knows that handicapped parking is a good idea and helps millions of folks patronize businesses that they normally wouldn't. The handicapped parking spot is great because it allows the disabled to get as close as possible to a business without actually driving inside.

But, here's the problem: Once they have finished their shopping and returned to their vehicles there isn't any place for them to return the shopping cart. I'm talking about large parking lots. Most cart returns begin at least six parking spaces down from the handicapped spots. The person is forced to choose between a spot close to the door and a spot close to the cart return.

Ever wonder why there are so many shopping carts at the beginning of a row and not in the return area? That might be the reason.

Wouldn't it be more helpful if they built a cart return area before the handicapped spaces?

Anyhow, the next time you're out in one of those large parking lots, check it out and see how close the cart return area is to the disabled parking spots. And if you notice someone trying to decide which way to go with the cart, offer to take it inside for them. You'll make their day and probably yours, too!

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Cold Turkey

Happy Thanksgiving!

Five years ago today I smoked my last cigarette. At the time, I never dreamt that I would be able to do it, and on the first try. I did cheat twice: I smoked two cigarettes on day four because I thought I was stressed. The next and last time was at the holiday party at work which was day 11. I inhaled about two puffs before I gagged and almost threw up. All of my fellow coworkers got a kick out of that.

That was it; I was done with it.

I did use the drug Chantix for about a month and did have some wacky dreams, but it was only temporary.

One thing that hasn't been so temporary was the weight gain. Wanna know how I became a middle-aged fat woman? I stopped smoking and gained almost a hundred pounds.

Holy crap! is right. I've heard all of the fat jokes, and it's why a lot people won't quit smoking. However, to all of you smokers out there, I may be overweight but I can outrun, outlast and out breathe most of you.

Think about this: You can buy larger clothes but you can't buy new lungs!

It's been five years for me and I have lost nearly half of the weight I gained. (I know, high fives for me.)

I went cold turkey the day after turkey day. I did it and so can you!

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Looking For That Perfect Bathroom Reader






Wow!

It's the perfect reader to keep you laughing while you're ...um...you know!

Show 'em how much you care: It's the Reflections On A Middle-Aged Fat Woman book.

Just click on any of the links and it will take you straight to the Amazon ordering page!

It's just the perfect size to slip into your purse or carry along in your man bag or backpack! It makes the perfect gift!

The Holidays are here, the MAFW's new book is the perfect gift for that hard-to-buy for person in your life. This is the book for them!

Need a gag gift for the office party? Is there a better way to show someone how much fun you like to have by giving a book titled Reflections On a Middle-Aged Fat Woman?

Show mom she's not the only middle-aged fat woman in the world and it is OKAY to laugh about it by presenting her with this funny book.

Makes a great stocking stuffer!


Hurry, get your copy today!

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Seens From The New Restaurant In Town...Part II

...Somewhere between "oompa loompa doompadee doo" and an encore of "Swingin'" the waitress brought out our order. I had ordered an entree-size Cheddar and BBQ overstuffed baked potato and Friend had the Fettuccine Alfredo. The waitress gave me another look and said, "Are you related to Don that works at the bank?" she asked.

"Nope, but I know who he is," I replied. "Man, you sure look familiar!"

"Well, the only other place you might know me is from Weight Watchers. I gave it up about three years ago when my kids started growing. Can't you tell? My ass is bigger than the buffet over at the Chinese place across town."

That comment left me slightly rattled and the only thing I could think of was how many points did my super stuffed potato have. (I was a Weight Watcher dropout too) "How many points do you think this potato has?" I asked.

"All of 'em, I'd say. But it doesn't matter because no one is watching. You enjoy your meal."

After a few minutes of silence (the DVD player stopped working and the country singer had ended his gig) we had eaten most of our food when we heard another round of music coming from elsewhere in the restaurant. Suddenly, I heard a banjo, then a fiddle. Next, was a bass and then something like a mandolin and before you knew it they took off on the "Foggy Mountain Breakdown." It was Bluegrass music and they were good, really good.

I sat through that song but when they broke out another fiddle and started playing "The Devil Went Down To Georgia" I couldn't stay in my seat any longer; I wanted to see them. It was a young, family group and they each took turns playing the different instruments and singing the lead and harmonizing.

I had a hard time not busting a move when they played "Cotton-Eyed Joe;" I didn't think the whole restaurant wanted to see me clog. However, it did cross my mind that if I clogged, I could gain a few activity points. (Weight Watcher lingo)

I walked back to the table, sat down and looked at Friend, who was crying. "What's wrong with you? Bite your tongue?"

"No," she sniffed.

"Well, what's wrong?"

"It's the music, Bluegrass music makes me cry..."

"Why?"

"I don't know, it just does. Parades, too!"

"What about parades?"

"They make me cry, too."

"Good heavens! (Oompa Loompa Doompadee Doo, if you are wise...) "You ready? I don't think I can take anymore."

Somehow, when we stood up to leave, the party of seven were ready to go too. They had remained pretty quiet after the first musician had left and didn't seem interested in the Bluegrass. As we followed them outside somebody's phone rang.

Guess what the ring tone was?

Yep, it was "Swingin'!"

And off they went again. Singing "Swingin'" as loud as they could...

Next thing I knew, the whole bunch started clogging. Well, slap my knee and yell yeehaw, this damn place is nuts I thought to myself as I got in the truck. The next thing you knew, there goes Friend, a stomp here and a shuffle there; she was clogging.

Friend, who is normally quite reserved, now red-faced and flushed from her short outburst jumped into the truck and before I could say anything, said "I don't know. I just felt like it. I'm having an off-beat kinda day."

Me, too!

Monday, November 21, 2011

Seens From The New Restaurant In Town...Part I

I was having an off-beat kinda day when Friend called and suggested we try out the new restaurant in town. Never one to turn down an invitation to dinner, or anything that involves food for that matter, I gladly accepted. The new place was actually a new family restaurant in a building that has housed several previous establishments, none of which lasted very long. I hoped this one would be different because I had heard folks say they had good food.

They say you can tell a lot about a place when you first walk in the door. Holy crap! I opened the door to the new restaurant and closed it just as quickly. They had live entertainment and they were set up right beside the door and had the amps maxed out; it was way too loud for my dining pleasure. I like live music but not at 3:00 p.m. in the afternoon.

Friend had the same annoyed look that I had and we both suggested other options. That conversation took about two seconds because in my podunk town it's either fast food, Mexican, if its a Wednesday, Chinese or Fatz restaurant. That's it! No Red Lobster, no Ryan's, no nothing. With a mutual shrug of the shoulders, we opened the door, clasped our hands to our ears as we walked past the speaker and were led to a table around the corner and away from the music.

Thankfully, it was a bit quieter until the table of seven that we were seated behind started singing along as the musician belted out the classic John Anderson tune "Swingin'." "There is a little girl in our neighborhood, her name is Charlotte Johnson and she's really looking good. I had to go and see her, so I called her on the phone, I walked over to her house and this was going on"...and on...and on. They knew all of the words to the song. Luckily, their food arrived and they stopped singing.

The next thing that seemed strange was the waitress; she kept staring at me and I stared right back. I knew I had seen that lady somewhere and vice versa. While perusing the menus, another family that consisted of a mom, dad, female child and a portable DVD player were seated two tables behind us. Yep, they brought the player inside the restaurant and guess what the movie of choice was: Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.

Hooray! More music...

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Searching For That Perfect Gift?






Wow!

Show 'em how much you care: It's the Reflections On A Middle-Aged Fat Woman book.

Just click on any of the links and it will take you straight to the Amazon ordering page!

It's just the perfect size to slip into your purse or carry along in your man bag or backpack! It makes the perfect gift!

The Holidays are here, the MAFW's new book is the perfect gift for that hard-to-buy for person in your life. This is the book for them!

Need a gag gift for the office party? Is there a better way to show someone how much fun you like to have by giving a book titled Reflections On a Middle-Aged Fat Woman?

Show mom she's not the only middle-aged fat woman in the world and it is OKAY to laugh about it by presenting her with this funny book.

Makes a great stocking stuffer!


Hurry, get your copy today!

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

In Case You Missed It

I've been enjoying a little break from the blog; been working on promoting my new book and all. But, I couldn't let this issue pass by without a comment or two from the MA Fat Woman.

The headline screamed: Some Kotex Tampons Recalled Due To Infection Risk.

The Kimberly-Clark Corp. says it has ordered a limited recall of 1,400 cases of tampons contaminated with a bacterium that could cause serious infections and, according to the FDA, could be life threatening.

"We have so far recovered 98% of the product -- Kotex Natural Balance Security Unscented Tampons Regular Absorbency," Kimberly-Clark spokesman Bob Brand tells WebMD. "We are looking for about 300 boxes, each containing 36 tampons."


All I can say is that I hope none of the MAFW's peeps is in possession of one of these recalled tampons. Really.

I mean, really.

Just the thought of it makes me want to throw up. Could you imagine the conversation: "MAFW? This is Jon Dough calling from the USDA. It has come to our attention, that you are in possession of a box of tainted tampons. These items have been recalled and you must surrender any remaining product whether unused or in use. Please forward to the proper authorities."

Like I said before, really! We're usually already stressed out enough during this time of the month, now we have to worry about tainted feminine products....Really!

Don't forget to get my new book!

Thursday, November 10, 2011

May I Have Your Attention Please?...Again






Wow!

After three and a half years, it's finally here: It's the Reflections On A Middle-Aged Fat Woman book.

Just click on any of the links and it will take you straight to the Amazon ordering page!

It's just the perfect size to slip into your purse or carry along in your man bag or backpack! It makes the perfect gift!

The Holidays are here, the MAFW's new book is the perfect gift for that hard-to-buy for person in your life. This is the book for them!

Need a gag gift for the office party? Is there a better way to show someone how much fun you like to have by giving a book titled Reflections On a Middle-Aged Fat Woman?

Show mom she's not the only middle-aged fat woman in the world and it is OKAY to laugh about it by presenting her with this funny book.

Makes a great stocking stuffer!


Hurry, get your copy today!


Makes a great gift!

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Up On Grandfather Mountain

Recently, Mom and I were able to get away for a few days and headed up into North Carolina on the Blue Ridge Parkway. If you are unfamiliar with the road, construction began in 1935 during the FDR administration and wasn't completed until the Reagan years in 1987. I know, that's what I was thinking, "Just exactly how long is that road?"

Well, it is 456 miles to be exact and travels through North Carolina, Tennessee and Virginia through the Blue Ridge Mountains which are a part of the Appalachian Mountains. It's a two-lane road, mostly, that has a posted speed limit of 45 mph, numerous places to pull over and check out the views and different tourist attractions along the way.

One such attraction was Grandfather Mountain. The mountain features wildlife habitats, walking and hiking trails, picturesque views from the top of the mountain, and something I was particularly interested in, the mile-high swinging bridge. Here are a few of my favorite photos from the trip:


Wind swept tree up on the mountain


Nice view from the top


Warning sign for the bear sanctuary


Flower, the bear, held us captive for several moments as we watched her clown around.


My first closeup look at the swinging bridge.

Mom and I saying cheese and smiling broadly at the entrance to the bridge. Notice my windswept hairdo and mom's chattering teeth; it was cold.

My first step onto the bridge. No problems here. Never mind that the wind was gusting over 50 mph and I have a slight fear of heights. No worries at all....until I made it about halfway across and got nailed by a wind gust that was so big and loud that it took my scream away. I started to gasp, my head started spinning and then I started to hyperventilate. I took one look down and then I started to RUN. I made it across...barely.

Mom, who was slightly out of breath when I finally noticed her standing beside me, took one look at me and said, "Are you sick? You look green. Maybe, you need to sit down."

I agreed with her and sat down on a rock to get my senses back. The only thing I could thing of was how in the world was I ever going to get back across the mile-high swinging bridge. You'll notice there are no snapshots of either one of us midway across the bridge. I was surprised by my reaction. I'm not sure if it was the wind, the altitude or my Spam sandwich, but something about this experience wasn't agreeing with me.

After a few minutes I started to calm down. "I didn't think the height would bother me so bad," I told mom.

"I don't know about the height, but that wind gust 'bout blew me over the side. Did you take any pictures coming across?"

"No, I had my eyes closed for most of the way. That's what I'm going to do on the way back across, too, or they're going to have to take me outta here by helicopter."



This is the last picture that I took up on Grandfather Mountain. It was located halfway across the swinging bridge. Not too bad for having my eyes closed, huh?

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