Wham, Bam And Thank You, Ma'am

Mom and I had to go to Atlanta the other day to get a minor medical procedure taken care of and we found ourselves back at the same hospital where Dad was back at the turn of the Millennium. Not much has changed in the ten years since we spent almost every waking hour at the hospital, going to the hospital or coming home from the hospital: We still make a wrong turn and end up going into the wrong parking garage. The traffic is absolutely terrible. The food is even worse and the little bistro that we used to sneak away to for a bit of quiet time folded up during the recession. Something else that hasn't changed is the quality of the care received there: if you're sick and need to go into the hospital then that is the place to be; the medical staff rocks! Anyhow, once Mom got called into the back I decided to go look for a pop machine; I was told that I had at least 30 minutes before I needed to be back in the waiting room. I walked back in the waiting room with Diet Coke in hand and the older lady sitting there with her even older mother looked straight at me and gave me the most quizzical look. I was surprised and a bit taken back but I asked, "Did you want me to get you a Coke too? I can run right back and get you one?" "Oh, no!" they said in unison. "We've got water." I had just settled back into my chair when Mom walked back into the room. Not from the back of the office but from the hall that I had just come from. "Where ya been?" she asked. I don't know how long I was gone but it was nowhere close to 30 minutes. "How long have you been waiting? I just walked next door and now I know why these ladies were looking at me funny: we were chasing each other!" "Oh, I don't know. I got the main Doc and he knows what he's doing. He said, 'Wham, and a bam and a aren't you glad you came, otherwise, you wouldn't get to see me.'" "He really said that?" "Yep! That wham, bam stuff I'm not sure of; I think he's French or something. You know what they say about those French guys...HeHe."

On A First Name Basis

Since I've joined the Social Media Revolution and started using sites like Twitter and Facebook I have reconnected with a lot of people from my past such as childhood friends, past coworkers and even a few of my teachers. At first, I thought it was a bit odd receiving likes and comments from folks that used to give me a grade for conduct on a daily basis. I mean I was a pretty good student and such but I still felt self-conscious about posting commentary about "swamp ass" and "hemorrhoids." Recently, I wished one of my former teachers a happy birthday. My teacher said you can drop the mister because everyone just calls me Ron. Well, I was a bit reluctant to do this but in further email exchanges I dropped the mister and called him Ron. A few weeks later I was telling Mom what had happened and she stopped what she was doing, looked at me and said in a serious tone, "That is something that you don't do. Your teachers taught you very well and you still need to show them respect. Ron will always be Mr. Smart to you and don't you forget it." Well, when L.M. Palmer speaks, I listen. So, listed below are my former teachers and what they learned me... Mrs. Jones - (Art) I still have my hand print from kindergarten and my silhouette portrait from second grade. Mr. Smart - (Science & Basketball Coach) Don't be afraid to take the shot. Mr. Whitford - (Band) He switched me from trumpet to baritone and it took me all the way to Europe. Mr. Breeze - (History) Tidbits of useless information did indeed pay off in later life; not too many people can beat me at Trivial Pursuit. Mrs. Gray - (Math) It's been 25 years but I can still do Algebra. Maybe not take the equation all the way down to X=O, but pretty darn close. Mrs. Smith - (English) The Outsiders is still one of my favorite stories. So I say thank you to all of you; you taught me very well!

Famous Quotes That Ring True Today

On describing the current status of Congress and the President as they try to fix yet another looming crisis...i.e...the National Debt crisis: "Mama always said stupid is as stupid does." Forrest Gump On describing yet another Republican female presidential hopefuls attempt at discussing an event from America's past: "Excuse me a minute, what are you babbling about?" The Breakfast Club On describing the unbelievable acquittal of Casey Anthony by a jury of her peers: "...a date that will live in infamy." President Roosevelt On describing the scandal of Rupert Murdoch and his evil media empire: "Hey bud, what's your problem?" Fast Times at Ridgemont High On describing the current lockouts in the NFL and the NBA: "Greed, for lack of a better word, is good. Greed is right. Greed works. Greed clarifies, cuts through and captures the essence of the evolutionary spirit." Wall Street On describing the current unemployment situation that continues to drag on and on: "Show me the money!" Jerry Maguire On describing the extramarital affairs that are plaguing America: "Luke, I am your father." Star Wars On describing the current dearth of quality daytime television programs since Oprah went off the air. "I led you here sir, for I am Spartacus." Spartacus On describing the continued coverage of an old, old news story by the Nancy Grace show: "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn." Gone With the Wind On describing the totally gut-wrenching loss suffered by the National Women's Soccer Team in the World Cup: "I'll be back..." Terminator

What Will They Think Of Next?

Maybe, it's just me but I have a problem with a product I saw advertised on television the other day. Can you read what the label says? It says: Washing machine cleaner. Why. In. The. World. Do. We. Need. To. Wash. Our. Washer? If anyone knows the answer to that question, please let me know!

Things I have Learned Living In The South

****This was forwarded to me in an email; too funny not to share**** Ya don't start the car; ya crank it. A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road. There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in the South. There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in the South, plus a couple no one's seen before. If it grows, it'll stick ya. If it crawls, it'll bite cha. Onced and Twiced are words. It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy! Jawl-P? means Did y'all go to the bathroom? People actually grow, eat and like okra. Fixinto is one word. It means I'm fixing to do that. There is no such thing as lunch. There is only dinner and then there is supper. Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar. It is referred to as the Wine of the South. Backwards and forwards means I know everything about you. The word jeet is actually a phrase meaning 'Did you eat?' You don't have to wear a watch, because it doesn't matter what time it is, you work until you're done or it's too dark to see. You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH em. Ya'll is singular; All ya'll is plural. You measure distance in minutes. You switch from heat to A/C in the same day. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect, or animal. You know what a DAWG is. You carry jumper cables in your car - for your OWN car. You only own five spices: salt, pepper, mustard, Tabasco and ketchup. The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local high school sports and motor sports, and gossip. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday. You find 100 degrees Fahrenheit a bit warm. You know what a hissy fit is. Going to Wal-Mart is a favorite pastime known as goin Wal-Martin' or off to Wally World. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good beef stew or chili weather. Fried catfish is the other white meat. We don't need no dang Driver's Ed. If our mama says we can drive, we can drive!!! You understand these jokes and forward them to your Southern friends and those who just wish they were from the SOUTH.

Paging, Georgia Power. Come In Georgia Power...

Can you think of a better way to spend a 100° afternoon in the Deep South than sitting in the cool, refreshing breeze that is emanating from one of your window air conditioners that makes the whole house vibrate when it is running? I couldn't either until somebody told the transformer down the road to heat up and explode. Ummm, paging, Georgia Power. Come in, Georgia Power. I'm not one to complain or anything but ever since Georgia Power raised the rates nearly 20% back in January my power has flickered or gone off almost every week. I'm sure it is just coincidental and I know we had a major ice storm and major thunderstorms for several months in a row but losing power on a day like today is just ridiculous. It's gotten so bad that I have now memorized the customer service number to report outages. I don't live in a third world country or out in the West where rolling blackouts are a common occurrence; I'm used to electric whenever and wherever I want it. I know, I'm a spoiled American. But to every middle-aged fat woman out there that is just one hot flash away from suffering total heat exhaustion, I need my power back on and I mean Now! I'm sure ya'll will agree with me on that one...

Whatcha' Mean, You Don't Like Collard Greens?

During my recent overnight business trip, I was excited to get to stay in a really nice hotel that offered room service. It was late by the time I finished up my tasks for the day that I didn't really want to venture out anywhere so I ordered room service. The book that was in my room that told the specifics about the hotel and listed the room service menu seemed to be missing a page or two. Somewhere I had read that they offered breakfast as an option but couldn't find any breakfast items listed. I called the front desk and was transferred to a nice lady that worked in the restaurant. The following is our conversation: Me: I'd like to order room service... Lady: Okay, what'll ya have? What'll ya have? Me: I'm sorry. Could you repeat that? Lady: Yes, Ma'am, I said, what'll ya have, what'll ya have? Me: I'm not sure. Is this room service, or have I called the Varsity? Lady: Oh, you must live around here, don'tcha? I like to say that to the traveling folks. Makes 'em think they is at the Varsity, though. Since you is from around here, I'll rephrase my question and ask what would you like to have for dinner? Me: I'm not sure. My hotel book only lists options for lunch and late-night dining. It does list a Filet Mignon for $52, but I don't think I'll order that. You got any seafood plates? Lady: Yep, we sure do. We got a fried shrimp, french fries and cole slaw plate for $16, and it's good too. Me: Okay, I'll get that. (It was good.) I had called the front desk in the morning and mentioned that my hotel book was missing a few pages, so when I got back into the room the next night I was hoping to see what other options might be available. They hadn't provided me with the missing menu so I had to call again without knowing what I wanted. Lady: Room service. What'll ya have, what'll ya have? Me: I'd like to order room service, please. Lady: Sure thing, what'll ya have, what'll ya have? Me: I'm not sure. I don't have a complete menu in my room... Lady: Lordy, is this the same lady from last night? Me: Yep, sure is. Lady: I told them room cleaners to put you a new book in there, but I guess they didn't. It figures. Well, what'll ya have then, what'll ya in the mood for? Me: You got any fried chicken? Lady: Fried chicken? Honey, this ain't the Big Chicken, but we do have a three-piece platter with smashed taters and a vegetable. Me: Sounds goods. What's the vegetable? Lady: Why, collard greens, of course. That's the only thing that goes good with chicken. Me: Hmmm, I don't really like collard greens, you got anything else? Lady: Harump! Whacha' mean, you don't like collard greens? Are ya crazy or somethin'? I thought you said you was from around here? Me: I live up in the mountains, but I'm originally from Ohio. Lady: Oh, I see. You from north of the sweet tea line, (that's my favorite line to describe someone from the north) ain't ya? Well, we ain't got any other vegetables, so I'll send you a double order of taters, okay? It worked for me since mashed potatoes are my favorite food. The next day during our lunch break we were standing in line at the small cafeteria in the building where our training was taking place. Listed on the daily lunch special were fried chicken, mashed potatoes and a vegetable for only $5.99. "What's the vegetable?" I asked. You know I already knew the answer to that before the lady answered in a familiar voice. "What'll ya have, what'll ya have? It's my first day on the job here and the vegetable of the day is collard greens. Could you believe someone ordered the fried chicken at the hotel last night and said they didn't like collard greens?"....