Can You Guess Again?

What is red, burnt, and has spots all over? Me! I've got a red nose, a sun burned back and more freckles than I can count. I'm still on vacation having a great time! Wish you were here...not really, well, maybe? Let me think on it and I'll get back to you...next week some time! Cheers! MA Fat Woman

Fat Feet, The Flu And Hemorrhoids...Part II

...like I was saying, I was the adult in the car and I was doing most of the complaining. In fact, I kept asking if we were there yet so many times that I put them girls to sleep or they pretended to be anyways. To answer a few questions about the previous post. It seems that a few of my readers didn't understand my paragraph about putting on for my city...eastside...blah, blah, blah and no alcohol. The first item was a reference to a song by 'Lilwayne or John Wayne, maybe even Tpain, I'm not sure, and the second song was by Jamie Foxx. I can tell you that both of those songs were in HEAVY rotation at every radio station between here and Pensacola. The next item in question was a car game that my family used to play in the car when we were traveling. One person says "my father owns a grocery store and in this store he sells something that begins with ?" and it's usually some obscure food like tomatilloes or the such. The other occupants have to guess what it is and whoever guesses correctly gets to have a turn.. If you hadn't heard of that car game now you have a new game to play in your car. It's all good! We had changed locations this year and decided to go south to Florida instead of east to the Outer Banks. Brother decided that he would be accompanying us on vacation this year and that threw a whole other wrench into the fire. My sister is a lot like Mom used to be in the fact that she believes in the more, the merrier where vacation is concerned. Me, not so much. I'm more along the lines of two's a party and three's a crowd, and fourteen people, well, you can forget that, I'm going to Biloxi...

Can You Guess?

What is red, burnt, and has spots all over? Me! I've got a red nose, a sun burned back and more freckles than I can count. I'm still on vacation having a great time! Wish you were here...not really, well, maybe? Let me think on it and I'll get back to you...next week some time! Cheers! MA Fat Woman

Fishing Elbow

I don't know if Fishing Elbow exists or not, but I have it. I cannot fully extend my left arm, so, I am using my right arm to compensate. Let's face it, I'm not a switch-hitter. I'm not Chipper Jones. (Go Braves) I think my condition started when I went fishing with my niece. It was the first fishing trip of the year and I was a bit rusty with the cast. Have you ever tried to cast a line and forget to depress the button that lets the line go out? The result is something that sounds like PLOOMMPPPHH. Not only have you strained your arm and almost thrown yourself into the lake, you also look quite silly when you realize what just happened.(I usually look around to see if anyone saw what happened)(Someone usually has) I think the condition was aggravated even further when I went fishing on vacation. I was fishing from the pier which requires a heavier weight(sinker) and a more violent cast to keep the line from entangling with the pylons of the pier. You don't want to hear that Ploomph sound when you're fishing from the pier. More than likely, that weight will bounce back and hit you in the head, knock you out, or send you flying over the edge to go swimming with the sharks. I haven't even mentioned trying to fish from the surf in a 30 mph wind. (That's another story) All I know is my elbow hurts and is making life difficult. I am doing things(use your imagination here), unsuccessfully I might add, with my right hand that I never dreamed possible. Fishing Elbow is a real medical condition and should be studied further. I think I'll go practice being right-handed. Hey Chipper, can you help me out?"

Letting The Worms Go

I just recently got back from vacation and am just now getting back into the swing of things. I opened the refrigerator door to check out what was needed from the grocery store(Groan)and was met with an unusual looking container. It was a small round blue plastic container with holes punched in the lid. (Hu oh!!) It was the worm container left over from my recent fishing trip with my niece. I had thought that I had taken care of that before I left. I guess in all of the excitement in planning for the trip to the OBX, something(Do I dare?) or someone got left out. I don't particularly have an affinity for worms. We're not on a first name basis. We don't go to the mall together. I've never been invited over for tea. We've never hidden from the paparazzi together. I didn't invite them to go see Sex and the City with me. I did take them fishing with me, but, I don't think that counts. I opened the lid on the blue container and gave it a little shake. Nothing. It didn't smell bad, no mold or other stuff growing. I shook it again, and things started to slither.(EEWWW) My arm jerked up, I jumped back, and black dirt, worm poo and worms that had been in cold storage for ten days went flying everywhere.(OMG)(OMG) I yelled hysterically, scared the cat and sent him sliding across the linoleum. My nervous tic began ticcing. My heart was beating a mile a minute. My nerves were a little shaky. What in the world had just happened? I gathered myself and stepped back to assess the damage. On the floor were approximately 6-7 worms in various forms of slither. Black dirt was scattered in a 5 ft radius. The blue container had rolled across the room and the lid was nowhere to be found. My cat poked his head around the corner and asked, "Uh, Whatcha gonna do now?"(What was I gonna do?) I sprung into action. I went to the pantry, got the broom and dust pan, and in the blink of an eye had swept everything back into its container.(Without touching anything)I opened the door, walked over to my garden area and dumped the worms. I let them go. Later that day, I walked over to check out the garden area where I had let them go and I couldn't find any remnants of the dirt or the worms.(HHMMMM) As I was walking away, I thought I heard someone whisper something. I looked closer and a worm was motioning towards me, I inched closer and the worm says, "Hey, middle-aged fat woman, wanna go fishing?"

The Shortest Week

After all the planning, preparing, packing and driving I was expecting it to last longer. There are really only two ways to get to the Outer Banks or OBX for short. As the old saying goes: 'One if by land, two if by sea'. My sister and her crew comes from the north(Yankees) down from Virginia on Hwy 12 through Nags Head until she reaches Avon, NC.(I don't know if they have an Avon lady there or not.) Meanwhile, Mom is steadfast in her resolution that the only way to get there is to take the ferry. Two of them. (I'm against this) Somehow, during the two days of driving along the back roads of North Carolina relearning my multiplication tables,(I still can't remember what 11 x 11 equals) practicing my German(Nein) and wondering Why I ever liked Social Studies, (my niece's school work)she had managed to talk me into it. That's what moms do. It's day 3 of our vacation and we had finally made it to the coast. Its later than we wanted it to be because Mom had wanted to sleep in this morning. I had succumbed to Mom's subtle pressure to go ahead and make a reservation to get on the ferry. The first two time slots were completely booked so we had to settle for the 2:00 PM crossing. Ferry crossing #1 lasts over 2 hours and the last crossing is about 45 minutes. As we reach the outskirts of Avon, the time is now 6:00 PM, we're exhausted and the middle-aged fat woman is yet to put her toes in the sand. Day 4--Rain, rain and more rain. No sand yet. Days 5,6 & 7--Perfect. Sun, sand, sunburns, heartburn, upset stomaches, flounder bites, swollen ankles, feet and sisters. No towels, out of toilet paper,(again) I'm bored,(go play, go read a book, go outside). Cookouts on the beach. (that's another story) Now, we're on vacation!! Day 8--Mom tells me she wants to leave early tomorrow so we can catch the early ferry. Time to start packing. Days 9 & 10--Another 48 hours of ferries, back roads, searching for bathrooms, and reading gas price signs ($4.39 a gallon)(Holy Crap!!) should have left me wanting to get back home as quickly as possible. (Nein, I can't wait until next year!)