Thursday, March 11, 2010

Using Big Words

I’m sure you know one. There’s one in every crowd, at every function, standing in line for the restroom and talking wildly with their hands while others around them try to nod politely and act slightly interested. It’s the person that has a comment for everything, an answer for every question and always has to have the last word. They are the know-it-all, the so-called and self-proclaimed Einstein of the group that admittedly draws you in with an intriguing word and has your full and immediate attention. Then you begin to listen, really listen, and with a sardonic chuckle to yourself, you realize that they are actually full of crap.


Are you that person? Maybe, you’ve been a victim of that person? Recently, I was a party involved with one of these people and am still unsure about what actually transpired. My know-it-all was discussing recent celebrity events as if they were an actual participant in the happenings. This is what actually, undeniably, purportedly, seemingly and really did happen, they said. They knew exactly, the who, what, when, and the where, the whole life story and even some of the past life stories. They were large, and in charge, until Charles walked in. You see, they were talking about Charles.


Charles had somehow stumbled into the area where the know-it-all was holding court, lambasting Charles for things that were totally untrue—questioning what was the point of Charles even being in the news. Charles never told where they were from, what they did for a living, or held the hand of every person that wanted to be a celebrity too. Charles isn’t your mentor, your friend, or your wet nurse for that matter. If you had gone a little below the surface, and not just back through the last five events, all of your questions would have been answered. Instead, you chose to spew half-truths, lies and declarations using big words that have absolutely the wrong and incorrect meaning in the context for which you were trying to use them.


Get a dictionary, get a thesaurus, get a life, and get the entire Book of Knowledge, sold on Amazon for $19.99. But whatever you do, get your facts straight. If you are going to be the know-it-all, at least make sure you can back it up.
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Monday, March 8, 2010

Going To A Concert

I'm going to see Eric Clapton in concert tomorrow night. I should be whohooing, singing zippity do da day, and hey, Layla, you got me on my knees, Layla, all crazy and excited about it.

I'm not. You know why?

The seats.

No, I'm not talking about where the seats are located, I'm talking about the actual width of the seat. For some reason, the more I eat, the wider my ass gets and the seating on airplanes, in movie theatres, and at ball parks keeps getting smaller and smaller. Why is that?

I mean, really, who wants to sit beside the fat person on an airplane, a bus, or at a ball game. I know the fat person doesn't want to sit beside someone else that is fat. We also don't want to sit beside the idiot that talks on their cell phone, puts too many onions on their dog, laughs at the wrong time or can't handle their liquor.

According to research, most seat widths today are based on the same guidelines that have been in place since 1950. That's right, 1950! In a world where everything is now one size fits all, and homogenized into neat, tidy packages, the joy of seeing your idol takes a backseat to the realization that you're going to have to slather your thighs in Parkay (butter) so you can slide into your seat. Not to mention the bruises that you get from trying to stuff a 2010 butt into a 1950s seat.


Actual size

So, what are you going to do about it? You could write your Congressman. (I know, why bother) You could write a letter to the editor. (Oh, that's right, newspapers don't exist anymore) You could lose some weight. (Been working on that your whole life) You could stay at home and mope all night. (Are you kidding? Those tickets were expensive)

Well, big butt or not, I'm going, thunder thighs and all. Just remember this, there may be tears in heaven, but there are also tears in my eyes every time I try to fit into one of those antiquated wooden seats. It ain't easy being a middle-aged fat woman...
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Saturday, March 6, 2010

Updates

I recently had some free time and went back through the blog archives and realized that I have several unfinished projects. This post will hopefully get everything up to date and help me regain my focus. I'm not making any promises though, I can be a little scatterbrained sometimes.

How you doin' update--I haven't totally forgotten about my New Year resolutions. I'm actually doing really well on all of them except one. Can you guess? All I'm gonna say is I have a fondness for Cadbury Eggs. It's really hard this year because my birthday and Easter are on the same day. If you want my address to send me a birthday/Easter/Cadbury Egg gift just send me an email.

The next update is about the new look of this site. It's a work in progress (I hope) and will be finished at a point somewhere in the future. (Hopefully, sooner, not later)

I am working on my blog roll and if you would like to be included just leave your info in the comments section. It will be added when the new blog makes an appearance.

The last update is the Caption These contest. The winner is Karen from WillOaks Studio with the caption: Yes, I know. I'm beautiful from any and all angles. Why do you doubt that?

Karen will receive the 2010 cat calendar and thanks to everyone that participated.



Meow, take a look at me.



I'm totally cute!



Hope everyone is beginning to thaw out from all of the frozen stuff. We have actually had sunshine and warm temperatures for three days in a row. I better shut up, I don't want to jinx anything.

MA Fat Woman
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Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Wordless Wednesday...March Snow Seens














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