Wednesday, December 30, 2009

I'm On Vacation

I'm up in Pigeon Forge, TN, along with every teenager this side of the Mississippi enjoying a few days off. You'd think that teens and the MA Fat Woman wouldn't get along very well, but when they realize that I'm better at the arcade games than they are it's like, Wow, Cool, Where'd you learn that?(Yes, I was a kid once)

Anyhow, hope you had a great Christmas and I hope you have a terrific New Year's Eve. Have some fun and make time to have a laugh.


I'll be back next year!


MA Fat Woman

Friday, December 25, 2009

Rudd's Christmas Farm

***Enjoy this classic holiday post***

A holiday tradition that many people in southern Ohio enjoyed throughout the years was a visit to see the lights. Actually, it was called Rudd Christmas Farm and it featured almost a million lights by the time it closed in 1999. The light display was nestled in the hills of southern Ohio near the Shawnee National Forest in a town called Blue Creek.

I knew Blue Creek because that's where my Granny and Uncle Tommy lived. Each year after Thanksgiving Mr. Rudd would flip the switch and the twinkling lights would fill the nighttime sky with a dazzling display of electric sunshine. If you were looking for plastic Santa Clauses or mechanized Frosty the Snowmans then this light display wasn't for you. Rudd Christmas Farm celebrated the true meaning of Christmas, which was the birth of Jesus. Some years he would have live animals on display and a manger scene was usually set up in the barn.

We usually went to see the lights on Christmas night. We had spent the day at Granny's house--eating and running down all of the batteries in our new toys. As darkness began to close in it was time to load up in her truck and drive over to see this year's display. I don't know how we managed but we always seemed to fit 23 people in Granny's truck, plus a wheelchair.

The drive to see the lights was an adventure by itself. It was a couple miles back a curvy road with a large stream on one side and a big drop off down into a gully on the other. Throw in some icy weather and a couple tour buses and you got yourself a happening situation.

Once we unloaded and made our way through the display it was time to meet Mr. Rudd. Both Mr Rudd and my Granny had had large families. He didn't know who you specifically belonged to, but he knew you were one of Margaret's kids' kids. Greetings were exchanged and Christmas carols were sang with full-bellied gusto. It was a good time.

I guess the event that stands out the most about my visits to Rudd's Christmas Farm was the year he did something special for my family. Due to horrible weather and a death in the family we were unable to view the lights on Christmas night. We had several family members that didn't make it to Granny's house until well up into January. Granny placed a phone call and asked if Mr Rudd might turn on the lights for a few minutes so we could witness the majesty of his display. Not a problem, he told my grandmother, come on over.

Now, that's the true meaning of Christmas.

Merry Christmas from my family to yours!

MA Fat Woman

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Christmas Eve Dinner

Some of my fondest memories around the holidays occurred on Christmas Eve. It wasn’t the actual event that was so much fun but the preparations up to that special day.

My Dad would always help in the decorating of the living room. There are certain decorations that had to go in a specific spot each year. We always had red and green crepe paper chains that ran across the ceiling of the living room. We would take branches from the bottom of the Christmas tree and place them on the mantel above the fireplace. We had a fabulously colored gold and shiny tinsel looking thing that hung from one of the doorways.

My job on Christmas Eve was to always set out the different food-laden bowls in the living room. We always had a bowl with various nuts, mainly walnuts. We had a specific bowl for the fruit, mainly navel oranges that we ordered from the FFA each year. And you can’t forget about the cheese plate. (Which was my favorite)

Both sets of my grandparents would come to my house each year for Christmas Eve dinner. My dad’s mom and my step-grandfather, both affectionately known as Mamaw and Papaw, as well as my mom’s mother and her brother, also known affectionately as Granny and Uncle Tommy. You needed to make sure you called Mamaw “mamaw” and Granny “granny”, or they’d let you know about it.

We would have a very big meal and then get to open our presents from our grandparents. I always knew what I was getting. Mamaw gave up buying us presents when we were really young. Instead, we were given money to go buy ourselves a present, which you had to wrap and then open in front of Mamaw.

Granny had so many grandchildren that all she could afford was usually a dollar bill and a pair of socks. I didn’t mind because I always knew that I would get a new pair of dress socks for Christmas.

Christmas Eve also meant something else too. That night the furnace got turned up to almost 80. Both grandparents were extremely cold-natured and we would have the fireplace going full blast and the furnace wide open. I loved it! I swear that was the coldest house I have ever lived in. The furnace had two vents—one into the living room and the other into mom and dad’s bedroom. There was an exhaust pipe that ran up through the ceiling and on out to the outside. The pipe was right beside my bed and I would hug it (it was warm) before I burrowed into my bed covered with about 15 quilts and blankets.

It seemed we were in bed relatively early and we tried to stay awake so we could monitor the comings and goings of the busy bees downstairs as they readied the living room for Christmas morning. I’m not sure what time they got to bed but everything was always perfect.

Our Christmas Eve dinners were always a lot of fun and something that we looked forward to. Sadly, several of the key players are no longer with us and they are deeply missed. We have a new tradition for Christmas Eve that we started after we lost Dad. I’m not sure why, but now we always go out for Chinese food.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Fine, If They Won't Play It, I Will

I guess some folks have been offended by this song. I don't really understand why. I guess we wouldn't be Americans if someone (everyone) somewhere (everywhere) wasn't complaining about something (everything).

I've heard every Christmas song about 50 times this year, including that Dan Fogelberg one, well, I've heard it 100 times.

But, my favorite holiday classic? Not once, nada, zip, zilch, zero times I've heard it.

So, taking matters into my own hands. If they won't play it, I will.

Click the play button and sing along as loud as you can. I know you know all the words!




Merry Christmas from the MA Fat Woman!

Monday, December 21, 2009

Caption This Winner



It was a tough decision but Anonymous came out on top with the caption of "Come on, pull my finger".

Have you ever pulled that gag on someone? Priceless, I say, just priceless!

Congratulations Anonymous, you're the topic of the day! However, I'll let you keep your anonymity and remain a mystery.

Thanks to everyone that participated.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Caption This Wednesday



Everyone else does it, so, why not me? Go ahead! Take a look at this lovely photo I plucked from somewhere and give it your best shot. Caption this!

The one that I like the best will be rewarded with a post of the day. What is that? It's a post for you, all about you and anything you want me to tell about you. If I don't know anything about you, I'll just make some stuff up. But still, you'll be the topic of the day.

Caption this!

I'll pick a winner on 12/20/2009.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Another Holiday Conversation

If you missed the original Holiday Conversations post you can check it out here. The following are actual conversations from the 2009 holiday season.

Sister: I know what you can get me for Christmas this year. But, you'll have to order it online.
MA Fat Woman: Well, what is it?
Sister: It's an insulated cup. They cost 10 bucks each.
MAFW: Whoa, that's a lot!

Mom: Want to see what I want for Christmas?
MAFW: Sure, what is it?
Mom: It's called a napsack. It's right here in the ABC catalog.
MAFW: Why do you need a backpack? Are you going camping or back to school?
Mom: NO! It's not a backpack, it's a napsack. You take it with you when you are travelling and lay it on the bed or wherever you are sleeping. It even has room for a pillow. That way you don't have to touch the blankets or bed spreads; they can be really gross, you know.

Brother: What are you getting mom for Christmas?
MAFW: Not sure. She showed me something in the ABC catalog...
Brother: Oh God! Not the ABC catalog again.

MAFW: I found out what mom wanted for Christmas?
Sister: What?
MAFW: It's something like a backpack, but they call it a napsack.
Sister: Oh Lord! It's not from the ABC catalog, is it?

MAFW: Sister wants some kind of insulated cup for Christmas. It costs ten bucks.
Mom: Whoa, that's a lot! Insulated cup, huh? You three kids are nuts about your drinking cups.
MAFW: I looked, but couldn't find it anywhere. It must be in one of those specialty shops at the mall; although she said she saw it online.
Mom: Hmmm, did you check the ABC catalog...?

Saturday, December 12, 2009

The Twelve Days Of Dieting...Day XII

On my twelfth day of dieting my body said to me:

12 disappointing weigh ins

11 yucky carrot sticks

10 minutes of walking

9 times I've cheated

8 glasses of water

7 slimey salads

6 sugarfree Jello cups

YOU LOST 5 POUNDS (all water weight)

4 protein shakes

3 low-carb bars

2 hunger pains...

...and a

Thank goodness, that's over! There's always next year! Now, let's eat!

Friday, December 11, 2009

The Twelve Days Of Dieting...Day XI

On my eleventh day of dieting my body said to me:

11 yucky carrot sticks

10 minutes of walking

9 times I've cheated

8 glasses of water

7 slimey salads

6 sugarfree Jello cups

YOU LOST 5 POUNDS (all water weight)

4 protein shakes

3 low-carb bars

2 hunger pains...

...and a

Boy, howdy! You can do it! Just think how much better you'll feel.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

The Twelve Days Of Dieting...Day X

On my tenth day of dieting my body said to me:

10 minutes of walking

9 times I've cheated

8 glasses of water

7 slimey salads

6 sugarfree Jello cups

YOU LOST 5 POUNDS (all water weight)

4 protein shakes

3 low-carb bars

2 hunger pains...

...and a

Boy, howdy! You can do it! Just think how much better you'll feel.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

The Twelve Days Of Dieting...Day IX

On my ninth day of dieting my body said to me:

9 times I've cheated

8 glasses of water

7 slimey salads

6 sugarfree Jello cups

YOU LOST 5 POUNDS (all water weight)

4 protein shakes

3 low-carb bars

2 hunger pains...

...and a

Boy, howdy! You can do it! Just think how much better you'll feel.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

The Twelve Days Of Dieting...Day VIII

On my eighth day of dieting my body said to me:

8 glasses of water

7 slimey salads

6 sugarfree Jello cups

YOU LOST 5 POUNDS (all water weight)

4 protein shakes

3 low-carb bars

2 hunger pains...

...and a

Boy, howdy! You can do it! Just think how much better you'll feel.

Monday, December 7, 2009

The Twelve Days Of Dieting...Day VII

On my seventh day of dieting my body said to me:

7 slimey salads

6 sugarfree Jello cups

YOU LOST 5 POUNDS (all water weight)

4 protein shakes

3 low-carb bars

2 hunger pains...

...and a

Boy, howdy! You can do it! Just think how much better you'll feel.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

The Twelve Days Of Dieting...Day VI

On my sixth day of dieting my body said to me:

6 sugarfree Jello cups

YOU LOST 5 POUNDS (all water weight)

4 protein shakes

3 low-carb bars

2 hunger pains...

...and a

Boy, howdy! You can do it! Just think how much better you'll feel.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

The Twelve Days Of Dieting...Day V

On my fifth day of dieting my body said to me:

YOU LOST 5 POUNDS (all water weight)

4 protein shakes

3 low-carb bars

2 hunger pains...

...and a

Boy, howdy! You can do it! Just think how much better you'll feel.

Friday, December 4, 2009

The Twelve Days Of Dieting...Day IV

On my fourth day of dieting my body said to me:

4 protein shakes

3 low-carb bars

2 hunger pains...

...and a

Boy, howdy! You can do it! Just think how much better you'll feel.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

The Twelve Days Of Dieting...Day III

On my third day of dieting my body said to me:

3 low-carb bars

2 hunger pains...

...and

You can do it! Just think how much better you'll feel.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

The Twelve Days Of Dieting...Day II

On the second day of dieting my body said to me:


2 hunger pains...

...and

You're gonna do great! Just think how much better you'll feel.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

The Twelve Days Of Dieting...Day I

Please join me as I begin my quest to become the MA not so Fat Woman. I'm sure you've heard this holiday classic The Twelve days of Christmas, well, my version is The Twelve Days of Dieting.

Check back for added days and don't hesitate to sing along!

On my first day of dieting my body said to me, "You can do it, just think how much better you'll feel..."

Saturday, November 28, 2009

It Worked Once

Three years ago about this time of year I decided to quit smoking. I'm happy to say that it worked.

BUT!

As a result of not being able to suck on a cancer stick any longer I needed another outlet to help me calm my ass (sorry) down. That's where food came in. As the name of the blog implies, I am a Middle-Aged Fat Woman, and it's time to do something about it.

I won't bore you with all of the blah, blah, blahs and how I plan on doing it and all but I will be a little grouchy and sharp of the tongue so don't take it personally.

Officially, if you're keeping score at home, I've gained 81 lbs since I stopped smoking.

I know, that's a whole person!

Anyhow, I stopped smoking the day after Thanksgiving, and that worked out really well. So, I'll start sometime this weekend once we finish the leftovers. (Sister makes really good Mac & Cheese, Brother makes pumpkin bread, I make deviled eggs, and Mom makes everything else)

Wish me luck!

MA Fat Woman

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Happy Thanksgiving

***Enjoy this classic Thanksgiving post***

It's a few hours before the meal and I'm already stuffed. No, I'm not the turkey. I almost had a major meltdown earlier over the deviled eggs. You wouldn't think that it would be that hard to boil eggs and then peel the shells but somewhere there was a major breakdown in this process. The shells would not come off the eggs and I had to take a butter knife and chip the shells off. This process resulted in four different opinions as to why the shells would not come off more easily.

Mom says that the eggs were too fresh and that was the reason the shells were difficult to remove.

Sister says the eggs needed to be at room temperature before they were boiled.

Niece says the eggs probably came from the chickens outside and have been buried out behind the outhouse for the last few years.

The MA Fat Woman didn't say anything but just kept swearing under her breath.

Brother says the eggs weren't boiled long enough and the shells needed to be removed promptly after boiling.

After this discussion which took almost an hour it was time to make the deviled egg mixture. Again, an hour to discuss how to make the mixture and four differing opinions.

If we're having this much trouble with the eggs I can hardly wait until it's time to mash the potatoes.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Cleo, Mister and Sissy...Part III

"...Hey, Sissy! Don't you think you better slow down." Cleo turned to me and said, "Sissy, has a real problem. That TV channel called and wanted to put her on the air. What's it called, Boarders, or Hoarders, something liked that. We told them 'bout all the stuff she has, but they said we'd be better off calling Goodwill or the Salvation Army. They have a lot of extra manpower this time of year due to the holidays and all. She's got a bad problem about keeping and holding onto stuff. Like that man of hers, beating up on her like that. You gonna come to the singin?"

"I'm kind of tired. This yard sale stuff has worn me out," I replied. I was beginning to get concerned about how I was going to wiggle out of going to this singin'. These folks were a few cards shy of playing with a full deck and their elevators didn't quite make it to the top floor if you know what I mean. Bless their hearts, I know they was just being friendly, but all I wanted to do was go sit in my recliner.

A few moments passed and they were all gathered around Sissy when they called me over. "What's the total?" Cleo asked.

I had no idea what I had told Sissy so I just said ten bucks. She had a mountain of junk and it was stuff that I didn't have to look at any more. It took all three of them four trips to carry it to the car.

"Now, the singin' starts at 7 PM, but I want you to come a little early; there's a man I want you to meet," said Cleo. "I hear he's loose and likes to swing from the bedposts."

"CLEO! Shut up and get in the car. Leave that lady alone," shouted Mister. With that, Cleo and Sissy nodded at me and got in the car. Mister was lingering behind and started fishing for something in his overalls. "You ain't got a pencil, do you? I wanted to write that fella's number down for ya, in case you want to do some swinging from the bed posts, he he. I'll be seeing ya. When you gonna have another yard sale?"

Monday, November 23, 2009

Crack Is Whack, Whitney's Back


I just finished watching the American Music Awards and was particularly interested in seeing Whitney Houston. It was her first television performance in five years.

If you've forgotten or never knew what happened to Whitney, it can be summed up briefly with just one word: Drugs. She and her husband, Bobby Brown, allegedly, had quite a fondness for Crack. In fact, in one of her interviews, she was quoted as saying, "Crack is whack", whatever that means.

When she lived in Atlanta, the local radio stations would do reports on Whitney sightings around town. These reports weren't very flattering. Usually, it involved Whitney in her house slippers, seemingly high, and locked out of her gated community hissing and cursing at the amused onlookers.

Happily, with tonight's performance, it seems like Whitney is back! I sat through three hours of performances and only one artist sent shivers down my spine and gave me goosebumps, and that was Whitney Houston.

Congratulations Whitney! We're glad you sacked and whacked the Crack out of your life, and with this performance, you indeed, are back.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Cleo, Mister and Sissy...Part II

...Mister turned around slowly and headed back toward the car presumably to get his spit cup grumbling under his breath the whole way.

"Lordy, that man is got the manners of a orange katan, what's it called, you know, one of them monkeys," Cleo said.

"Orangutan," I volunteered.

"Yea, that's it! Clyde. Right turn Clyde. Wasn't that Mr. Clint Eastwood's monkey that starred in all of those any which man I can movies."

"Um, I don't think it was his monkey. And the movies were called Any Which Way But Loose, I think," I said.

"Well, I don't know 'bout you, but I'll take my man loose, monkey like swinging from the bed posts or any which way I can, he he. Mister don't swing like he used too!"

"Cleo, stop talking! That lady don't need to be hearing things like that. You said you was gonna watch yourself," said Mister.

Meanwhile, Sissy was looking over the goods left out on the tables and holding up one item after the other asking how much I wanted for it. I'd name a price and she'd nod her head in agreement and put it aside. Cleo and Mister were fussing at each other and occasionally looking over at Sissy and the pile growing steadily beside her. I stopped putting away stuff, because the way things were looking, Sissy was gonna buy everything I had left.

"What are you doing tonight?" Cleo asked. "You wanna come go with us to the singing? It's out there on the four lane and you turn right on Upper Dowdy Doo Lane and turn right at the big red bird house. You can't miss it."

"Well, it's probably going to be after dark before I get finished putting all of this stuff up," I replied.

"Why, pshaw!" Cleo said. "We'd be glad to help you put it away. 'Side's, when Sissy gets through shopping, there ain't going to be much left..."

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Are You Paying Attention?

Someone or something has been trying to get my attention.

Today, when I was in Walmart I was checking out the coffee makers and when I was finished I had to walk past the toaster ovens. No big deal, right? What if I told you that as I walked past a bell went off. It went DING! I went WTH? I stopped, and looked around, there wasn't anyone around and it certainly wasn't cooking me a snack.

Over the weekend when I was putting away the yard sale leftovers I heard music start playing from one of the dolls I was selling. I wasn't anywhere near it and I didn't even know it was musical.

Last week I was sitting in my recliner when there was a loud thump or creak in the ceiling above my light and then the light blinked on and off.

And don't get me started on what happens at about 1:28 AM every night. Almost, without fail, give or take five minutes, there will be a very loud creak at the bottom of my steps. It sounds like a heavy footstep. I just call it Alice, which by the way, was the name of the woman that lived in the house about sixty years ago. (I just found that out a few months ago) The noises on the steps have been happening for years.

Probably all just coincidence. If not, whomever, or whatever, you've got my attention.

Check back for Part II of Cleo, Mister and Sissy in the next few days.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Cleo, Mister and Sissy...Part I

It was late Saturday afternoon and I was beginning to pack up the remnants from my weekend yard sale when an old beat up station wagon pulled slowly down the driveway. I glanced in their direction and was met with three hands stuck out the window all waving in unison at me. "Hey! Are you closed? Do we have time to pick through your leftovers? I told Mister here that we needed to get our butts, pardon my French, in gear or we was gonna miss all the sales and be late for the Singing," the elderly woman said.

"Nope, you're not too late. Have a look around, you might find something that you can't live without and it'll be less for me to pack up," I answered.

The car stopped and out climbed the old woman who was wearing orange lounging pants, a deep purple moo moo and black Chuck Taylor running shoes. Her wig sat perched slightly askew on her head and her straw hat sat off center the other way giving her a slightly lopsided look. She approached me immediately, extended her hand and said, "I'm Cleo, that's Mister, who I been shacked up with since '76, when my husband up and died on me. Ain't got no strings on him, he's free to come and go as he pleases, s'long as he pleases me. He He!"

I shook her hand and she continued.

"That lady there is his daughter, Sissy. She stays with us sometimes, usually when her old man goes on a drunk and starts beating up on her. I, swan, for the likes of me can't fathom the way some women put up with them goings on. I told Mister here if he ever laid a hand on me I'd cut it off as fast as I could pull my knife out. You're old man ever do that to you? Get yourself a knife, that'll keep him in line. Look at me, going off at the mouth like that. Let me get here and see what you got for sale. I'm proud to say I don't ever buy nothin' new, I get all my stuff at yard sales. Hey Mister, you got any more of that snuff with you? Let me get some, this little lady might want some. You like my outfit? I got it last week over at the community thrift store."

Mister, wearing bib overalls, a Grateful Dead t-shirt and a John Deere cap, walked over to us and offered the aforementioned can of snuff. I declined politely and so did Cleo. Mister shrugged his shoulders, drew his head back, and spat out a big ole drop of brown gooey tobacco juice that left a trail from is chin halfway down to his boots. "Wipe yourself Mister! This lady don't want to see your spit. Go get your cup..."

Friday, November 13, 2009

Is That For Sale?

So, I was crazy enough to have another yard sale before winter set in, by myself. I asked mom if she wanted to come help but she thought I was nuts for trying to have a sale this late in the year and she wasn't participating. (I guess it didn't matter that I was selling some of her stuff)

Anyhow, midway between my umpteenth visit to the basement, attic, and storage building, my back gave out. I backed into the metal part on my utility trailer and gave myself a six inch long bruise and then I sprained my ankle when I doubled over in pain from bumping the trailer.

Needless to say, it was after 10:30 AM this morning before I had put my signs up by the road, and by yard sale standards, that was extremely late if I hoped to make any money.

Since I live at the bottom of a hill I get a lot of folks that slow down and then realize that I am at the bottom of a hill and keep on going. Fine! If you're too lazy to get out and look then you probably want to complain about the prices of everything and want me to sell you a twenty-five dollar item for twenty-five cents. Keep going, I don't want your business anyway.

The third guy that pulled up wanted to buy my utility trailer.

The fourth guy that pulled up wanted to know if I had any mowers I wanted to get rid of. Now, that's a loaded question. I've discussed before about my piece of crap mower and what you don't know is that the danged thing broke down again earlier this year. I took the guy to the basement and showed him the mower and he started asking if my tools, my fishing poles, and my Christmas decorations were for sale. He made me a tad nervous so I hightailed it back up front. Weirdo.

Later, someone wanted to buy my leaf rake. Another wanted to by a bistro table (which I don't have) and someone else wanted to buy a microwave.

Mom called early afternoon and asked how things were going. I was bellyaching about my bruised butt (which was the part that ran into the trailer), my ankle that I had wrapped in an ace bandage that was horribly swollen and how everyone wanted to buy everything that wasn't for sale.

Mom's response: "I didn't know you was selling your trailer. How much you want for it?"

Monday, November 9, 2009

You Made Mom Cry

Recently, I asked readers of MA Fat Woman if they might be interested in acquiring one of mom's finely crafted hand/dish towels than can be hung from a drawer handle or the stove, anywhere actually. I asked readers to leave a comment and I would give them the information.

Now, I don't get a whole lot of comments. I'm not sure why; it could be that I'm not a big responder like some folks do. Or, the story was so funny or moving that it left you speechless. (I like that one) I'm not one that has to have the last word, so mainly, I just let the story speak for itself. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE comments, and that's why I was surprised that the dish towels didn't receive any comments, not one.

Goodness! You would have thought I was knocking on doors for donations or ringing the bell for the Salvation Army the way everyone avoided that post.

Of course, mom saw the lack of comments in a totally different light than I did. I could hears tears in her voice as she began the rant with, "I thought you said people read that blog of yours. I worked really hard on crocheting those towels. You'd think that someone, anyone, would at least say they were pretty."

If you have the time, check out Mom's towels and tell her how pretty they are. Trust me, it'll make life easier for everyone.

Friday, November 6, 2009

The Second Best One Liner...Ever

If you missed the best one liner ever you can check it out here.

Sister: "How's the weight loss going?"

MA Fat Woman: "Gaining every day...Thanks for asking"

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

If You're Interested...Wishful Wednesday





Mom's been doing some crocheting and she wishes she can sell a few of these beautiful hand towels. Yes, they are handmade. And yes, she made them. If you're interested just leave me a comment.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

An Open Letter

Dear Mom,




Please get your flu shots!!




Signed,

Your daughter
MA Fat Woman

Monday, November 2, 2009

New Used Car Tactics

I was visiting with Friend the other day when she told me about an unusual phone call she got. We both thought it was pretty funny and decided to share it with you. I'm going to tell the story from Friend's perspective.

Phone ringing...

Hello?

Caller: Is this Mary?

Yes, it is.

Caller: Well, this is Sam from your local Ford dealer and I was inquiring about your 2002 Ford Explorer.

What about it?

Caller: Do you still have it?

Yes, I do.

Caller: Well, we'd like to buy it.

Who would?

Caller: Your local Ford dealer...

Why?

Caller: Well, we are looking for quality pre-owned vehicles to fill our inventory.

What are you going to give me for it?

Caller: Well, you would have to bring it in and we would do a thorough check of everything to make sure it runs okay...

What do you mean do a thorough check of everything? You should know every sound that it makes since you had it for two months and had to put four transmissions in it and a power train to boot. It cost me over four thousand bucks and hours and hours of my time and now you're telling me that ...

Caller: Ma'am?

Don't cut me off! What kind of racket are you people running anyway? Used car salesmen calling folks at home wanting to buy their cars. It's all just a scam, isn't it? Get someone in there, harass and haggle them to death on the pretext of wanting to buy their cars and then try and sell them a new car. I don't think so Mister! And, by the way, I'm on the Do Not Call List!

Caller: Ma'am, if you would like to set up an...

Click!

Saturday, October 31, 2009

Happy Halloween

Have a spooky and safe day!




Friday, October 30, 2009

Why Are You So Jumpy

Press play...



Thursday, October 29, 2009

I'm A Fall Person



I was visiting with Mom the other day and we were lamenting the fact that it hasn't been a very good year for leaf watching. Can you say rain? I wrote about our trip recently where we went further up into the mountains and had a nice dinner. The picture above was taken at Bald Mountain Lake and you can see the fog up on the mountain. Hopefully, we'll have time for another drive before the leaves are all gone. Mom told me she was a fall person; I never knew that.

I guess I'll make time. Hey Mom? I'm available Monday! Are you up for it? No Bingo? No Salsa dancing lessons scheduled? What time you wanna leave? Anyone else want to go? I'll try and remember to take some more pictures...

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Three Little Pigs

Cute.


Cuter!



Not so cute...




Will you be vaccinated?

Monday, October 26, 2009

Why?


Why are gas prices approaching 3 bucks again?

Why have gas prices risen almost 50 cents a gallon in the last three weeks?

Am I the only one wondering why?

Does anyone know the answers to my questions?

I bet you're wondering why I am wondering?

I'm not sure, I was just wondering!

Anyone?

Friday, October 23, 2009

We Thought You Were A Hot Guy


Recently, I went to an estate sale in my neighborhood. Nobody was sitting outside as I pulled into the driveway but I noticed movement behind one of the curtained windows. I was just ready to get out of the car when my cell rang, so I closed my car door and took the call.

I was still at the end of the driveway but had pulled to the side in case someone else came along. While I was sitting in my car talking on the phone I kept noticing movement behind the curtain. And it had spread! Now, three windows were occupied and they all were staring at me.

I finished up my call and got out of the car and headed up to the carport where some of the estate items were set out. I was looking over the table when the door to the carport opened and three heads were staring straight at me!

"See, I told you," one of them said with obvious disappointment.

"Well, I wasn't sure," said the other.

The third one looked at me and saw my quizzical look and said this: "When you pulled up in that red Mustang we thought you were a hot guy!"

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Have A Good One



Have a good one!

What exactly does that mean?

Have a good what...

Have a good dinner!

Have a good time!

Have a good flight!

Have a good birthday!

Anyone of those would fit perfectly.

Or!

It could go something like this...

Have a good bowel movement.

Have a good trip to the dentist.

Have a good time changing that poopy diaper.

Have a good hemorrhoid operation.

Have a good time filing your taxes on April 15.

See what I mean. I really don't care for that line. So, I'll just leave you with this last little statement:

Have

A

Good

Day!

Monday, October 19, 2009

What'd The Wedderman Say

"Lord, it's colder than a witch's titty, ain't it?" I heard somebody behind me say.

Oh no, I knew that voice anywhere, it was my elderly neighbor, Merlethem Shatz. I've mentioned before that I usually try to avoid her because it's really hard to get away from her once she gets her claws into you. Today, was really not the day to be caught up in conversation because the weatherman said that we might get some frozen precipitation. In the south, that can only mean one thing: It's off to the store for bread and milk.

I turned around to face Ms. Merlethem before I could stop myself. It's nothing personal but I didn't have time or didn't want to hear about her neck pimples or any other ailments she might have; but, it was too late. She'd seen my eyes, so off she went.

"Back in the winter of '52, when I was a lass back in New Staffordshire, we didn't have all of the luxuries that you spoiled Yanks take for granted. We certainly didn't run off to the market whenever there was a hint that old Jack Frost might be dropping in for a visit."

"Really, what'd you do?" I asked.

"Well! For starters, we made our own bread and had a cow for our milk. None of this fancy bread like Whole Wheat, Potato Bread, or Honey Butter Bread that everyone is so fond of today. We used to call it hardtack or something; you could bounce it off the dirt floor and it would bounce right back to you. That's right, my house had a dirt floor, what do you think of that?"

During Ms. Merlethem's rambling story I had picked up my gallon of milk and had worked my way over to the bread aisle with her following me the whole way. "You wanna know what I think of that? I think you talk too much and I've just got the last loaf of bread. Now, whatcha think about that?"

Friday, October 16, 2009

But, I thought...?

Excuse me while I sit here hitting myself with my rolling pin, but I'm still shaking my head about something that happened the other day. I had whisked Mom away from her square dancing and poker tournaments for an exciting day trip into the northeastern corner of Georgia to go leaf looking.

Of course, there were no leaves to be found or seen because we are experiencing our third consecutive year of rain, drizzle and fog. Which means you can barely see your hand in front of your face, let alone, a beautiful mountaintop bursting with splendid oranges, yellows, and reds.

We soon grew tired of squinting through the fog and listening to my wipers SCREECH across the windshield and decided it was time to stop for lunch. I had done some research on restaurants in the area and had settled on a seafood place called Rumor Hazeit.

We ordered lunch and began to look around the dining area and took notice of the other customers. One table was obviously local business people enjoying a leisurely lunch, another table possibly a young couple in love because they were suck facing constantly. (Get a room!) Other tables were filled with other tourists out enjoying the fog and rain, and the last table, well, it was filled with senior citizens.

I counted at least ten gray, purple, and silver haired beauties sitting together. I'm not sure if they were local or not; just out for the day. Could have been a church group, who knows. But they were the quietest bunch of ladies I'd ever seen. Almost made me nervous.

We had finished eating and were letting our food settle while watching the server that had been handling the seniors try to settle up their bills. I could sense she was getting a little frustrated because they couldn't remember who ordered what and didn't agree with the amounts on the bill.

One of the ladies began talking privately to her and for some reason the waitress announced that it was her birthday. Dead silence ensued and what happened next is what had me asking, "But, I thought..."

Everyone of those ladies stood up and began singing Happy Birthday...to...the... waitress.

Mom and I looked at each other with the same WTH face. I thought the waitress was supposed to sing to the customer. Whatever! We didn't want to be party poopers so we joined in and before the song ended the whole restaurant had stood up and sang Happy Birthday.

The waitress smiled and thanked everybody and said we had really made her day. I'm sure that's one birthday that will never be forgotten.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Wishful Wednesday

This is someplace I would like to be.





Wishing I was here too!






Where do you wish you were?

Monday, October 12, 2009

The Wrong Number Always Rings Twice

I was gone for most of the day and was surprised to find three messages on my phone when I got home the other day. I knew it wasn't a family member because I had been with my family all day. As I pushed the play button on my answering machine I wondered vaguely if it wasn't Doug calling for Helen again.

"Hi, this is Audry from Mountain Physical Therapy and I was calling to set Ms. Higginbottom up for for PT visits. Here's what you need to do. Call this number and talk to Florence who will then call and talk to Mr. Taylor over in the accounting department who will then okay the payment plan and then contact Tonya at the Satellite office to set up the visits three weeks from that point because Heidi is still out on maternity leave. You'll be her first patient back from leave which will be good because she will want to do a lot of extra work to help her lose some of that baby fat. She said she gained like 50 pounds while she was pregnant and has at least 40 pounds to lose. I'm not sure if that means that she had a 10 pound baby. Oh, man! That's big! Okay, well, if you have any questions just give us a call." Click!

That was call number one.

Here's call number two:

"Hell0, this is Audry calling from Mountain Physical Therapy and I just wanted to tell you that I realized that I called the wrong number and disregard everything that I just said. Tonya would be really mad at me if she knew I was telling everyone her business. She doesn't work her patients out that hard but she really does need to lose that baby weight. Okay, well forget everything I just said now and on the previous call. Bye!"

And last but certainly not least, call number three:

"Hi Helen, it's me Doug from Automotive Excellence again..."

Friday, October 9, 2009

Take Your Sister With You

Growing up the youngest on Cherry Fork Road presented a few problems from time to time. Namely, getting left behind. Brother is older than me by five years and Sister has three years on me. It seemed like they were always going to one function or another and I was to young to go.

Brother took me and some of my friends to the movies a few times but that was nothing compared to what my sister had to put up with. Sister and her best friend liked to go cruising in town. Trust me, there was nothing else to do, but cruise up and down the road. The route consisted of going through town and turning around at Solomon's doctor's office, going back through town and driving around Sam's tastee freeze and then go up and cruise around the car wash and head back through town.

This was done repeatedly until everyone went home or about 10:00 PM. Whenever Big Red would ask to go with Cindy she was usually allowed to go as long as she took her sister with her. I'm sure it drove her crazy.

I'm not sure how Cindy felt about it but we always seemed to have a good time. It was especially fun when we went to the rival town and trying scoping out their guys. I think my sister and her best friend had the hots for a couple of them fellas that played for the rival Indians.

I always sat in the back seat and was basically ignored by all the boys that we came into contact with. Until one night one fellow stuck his head in the window and wanted to know who was in the back seat. I can't remember his name but I was tickled to death that a boy had finally noticed me. "That's my kid sister," my sister said.

"Well, she's cute," the boy said. Lord, you would've thought Shawn Cassidy had just said hello. I was over the moon for at least six months.

I had fun cruising with my sister and her best friend and today is her birthday. Happy Birthday Cindy! Thanks for letting me tag along.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Random Acts Of Kindness

I try to do my part to help folks out when I can. I'll never belong up there in the echelon of philanthropists like Bill Gates or Oprah but I feel that even the smallest act of kindness these days can go a long way.

Here's something easy and relatively inexpensive that you can do the next time you go through a drive thru window at your favorite fast food joint. When you get to the cash window tell the worker that you want to pay for the order behind you if there is one. I usually try and check out the folks behind me because I can't afford to pay for a baseball team's victory dinner at McDonald's.

If it's one or two people it's probably going to be less than ten bucks and that's something I can do every once in awhile. Give it a try, not only will you make somebody else's day, you'll be surprised at how good it makes you feel.

If enough people do it don't be surprised to learn one day that somebody has bestowed a random act of kindness on you and given you a free lunch.

Monday, October 5, 2009

The Kitten In The Basement

My house has an earthen basement. It's accessible by opening two large doors, a normal outside entrance and several windows. It's possible for things to get in there that don't belong by crawling under one of the big doors or going through a broken window. I don't go down there very often; it's kinda creepy.

Last weekend I heard the unmistakable cries of baby kittens coming from the basement. They were very loud and wouldn't stop meowing so I went to investigate. It was only one kitten and he was very small. He barely had his eyes open but when he saw me he started toward me without any hesitation. This was trouble and I knew it.

Without going into long detail which I have done in the past I can tell you that there are feral cats in my neighborhood. My neighbor lady that died recently was the main caretaker for these cats. She fed them regularly and they would only come to my house when she was out of town.

I've shown pictures of my cat and he is an inside cat. We do like to sit on the porch and he will take a walk around the property sometimes, usually to pee in the woods, but he is never unattended. And he never gets close to any of the wild cats because I don't want him to catch anything. He had a girlfriend but she died in 2005, he's been the top cat since then.

Periodically, over the next two days I would go back to the basement to check on the kitten. I never saw his mother. I had picked him up and he would crawl all over me; he was trying to nurse. One night he crawled out of the basement and up three steps. I heard him crying and took him back to the basement. Still no sign of a mother cat.

It's a very difficult decision whether to bring a new life into your household. The cat and I have our routine and we are pretty much stuck in our ways, but there was something about this baby, this kitten in the basement.

The next morning I went to check on Little Max as I had begun to call him and he wasn't in very good shape. In fact, I thought he had died. I picked him up and he moved just a little. Over the next several hours I fed him through an eyedropper and decided that I would bring him into the house and would keep him separated from the cat. He made a remarkable turnaround and I continued to feed him every three hours over the next two days.

My cat was becoming accustomed to all the noise that Little Max was making and had even stopped growling whenever I went into the other room where I was keeping them apart. He was becoming curious and wanted to sniff every part of me whenever I came back into the room after a visit with Max. There's something about being around a new life that just seems to make you happy; it did me anyway.

I had to go away for several hours and when I got home I went straight in to check on Max. He wasn't doing very well. I was surprised. I was mad. I was pissed. How could this be happening? I started crying and begging for the life of this little kitten. This little baby that was trying to work his way into my calm and boring life. My tears and prayers didn't work. Little Max died right there, right in my hands.

Could it have been prevented? Did I not feed him enough? Could the Vet have saved him? Did he have something wrong with him from birth and that's why his mom abandoned him? Why are you so upset, you only had him for two days? These are some of the questions that I have been asking myself for the last few days. I don't know the answer to any of them and probably never will...

...it's been three days, shouldn't I be able to stop crying by now?

Thursday, October 1, 2009

When You Gotta Go

Did you hear the one about the guy on a plane who didn't follow instructions and remain in his seat as requested to do so? Instead, he jumped out of his seat and ran into the bathroom.

They thought he had a bomb...

...and they evacuated the whole plane.

Now, I'm all for safety and everything. But, sometimes you need to have a little common sense. That guy might've dropped a bomb in the lavatory but I don't think he had anything strapped to his chest or in his shoe.

I know exactly how that man feels. In the MA Fat Woman's family we call it the trick stomach. I inherited it from my father. There are many places I'm sad to say that I have went and left my mark...if you know what I mean.

I can't help it and I usually can't stop it. I don't know if it's nerves, irritable bowel, or just my metabolism. It really puts you in a panic, when your stomach starts to make noises and hurt, you start to sweat some, and there's no facility within site. What's even worse is when you see one and you can't use it.

What would you do?

I think that man made the right choice. He could've stayed in his seat, crapped his pants and stunk up the whole plane. Either way the plane would have been evacuated. Would you have wanted to sit beside him?

Me neither.

When you gotta go...well, you gotta go!

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Here's The Story

Here's the story of a middle aged fat lady

who was busy blogging her life away.

There were seens from the porch

Seens from the recliner

Seens from the new porch.

Trips wrongly made to the men's room.

Yet she was all alone.

Until one day the MA Fat Lady

saw her doctor

and was advised to get back to her presmoking weight.

It's been three years she said

no longer an excuse

But, I'm the MA Fat Woman, I said.

I don't care, become the MA Not So Fat Woman

So, there you have it. It kind of makes sense if you read the words like you would sing the Brady Bunch theme.

The dreaded D word!

Diet!

I'd rather have diarrhea than be on a diet. And don't tell me it's for my own health, or it will make me feel better. Don't call me Fatty or Fatass! I poke enough fun at my own self. I already know all of that.

Now, anyone got a light?

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Another Mother, Daughter Conversation

The following conversation took place on a recent morning when Mom called me at home in a panic. It's 28 miles to my mom's house...

Me: Hello?

Mom: Emergency! I gotta emergency. I need you to come right away and carry Brother to his eye surgery. I locked the keys in the car.

Me: But, Mom? It's gonna take me at least 30 minutes to get there if I run out the door right now and then another 45 minutes to cross over the mountain.

Mom: You can make it. You know you drive that Mustang like someone is chasing you all the time. Can you come right now?

Me: I haven't even had a shower yet. Why don't you call that guy up the road? He can be there in 15 minutes.

Mom: I need you to come now. Can't you come as you are?

Me: Okay!

Mom: Hurry! He's gotta be there by 12:30. Click! (It was 11:15 at that point)

Now, there was no way in hell that I was walking out the door the way I was dressed. My hair was sweaty and matted and my legs were green. I had on mismatched socks, an old bleached out T-shirt, no bra, cut off sweats and combat boots. I'd been weed eating and had only come inside because I needed a drink.

I took the fastest shower imaginable and was out the door in 8 minutes. Record time! I took the backway to Mom's house, doing 70 in a 45 mph zone the whole way. I got stuck at a traffic light about 3 miles from her house when my cell rang.

Me: Hello?

Mom: Never mind. I got it unlocked, where are you?

Me: I'm near the Dairy Queen.

Mom: Well, never mind. I don't need you now. At least you didn't have to come the whole way...

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Be Very Very Afraid

The cat outside guarding the porch.




At least he isn't asleep drooling all over everything like he normally does.





The next time you're in my neck of the woods watch out for my attack cat, he's vicious.

Friday, September 25, 2009

More Mother, Daughter Conversations

Mom and I have been speaking a little more than once a week on the phone. I'm not sure why we bother. The following is how the conversation usually takes place after I call her:

Mom: Hello?

Me: Hey

Silence...

...more silence...

...followed by still more silence...

Me: Hello?

Mom: What?

Me: Aren't you gonna say anything?

Mom: I said hello! You're the one that called me, aren't you? I'm just waiting on you to tell me why you called...

...see what I mean.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Seens From The Salad Bar

I've been really busy lately and hadn't seen much of Mom so I was tickled when she called and wanted to know if I wanted to take her out to eat. She had a 2-for-1 coupon on select dishes at Ruby Tuesday and if we both drank water we should be able to keep the tab under 20 bucks.

I met her at the restaurant and it seemed like everyone wanted to use their coupon that night--the place was packed. As we were waiting to be seated I noticed a woman behind us that was totally perturbed that she was having to wait. She was fussing about the line, she was fussing about the wait time, she was fussing because she had to wait outside, she was fussing because she didn't have a 2-for-1 coupon.

We were seated after a short wait and we were both glad to be away from that lady. She was trying to ruin our dinner. Mom, who was in charge of the coupon kept waving it around like it was a 1000 dollar bill or something. I told her to drop it but she said she didn't want to forget about it. The waitress took our drink orders, she ordered a sweet tea and I got a Diet Coke. (We forgot to get water)

I needed to excuse myself for a moment and passed the grumpy lady being led to her table as I was walking to the ladies room. I muttered to myself that I hoped that lady didn't end up sitting beside us.

Upon returning to my seat I wasn't too surprised to see the old windbag at the table right beside me and her chair was also right beside mine. Mom was grinning like she had just hit the jackpot at one of her weekly Bingo contests and had grabbed the coupon and started waving it around again. I struggled to get into my seat without bumping her because she had her chair pushed all the way back. I bumped her anyway which set her off about how close the tables were. We had just settled down when the server had taken our orders and said we could go help ourselves at the salad bar.

I went to the salad bar first and left Mom and her coupon guarding the purses. Several people were ahead of me and I waited patiently for my turn. I loaded my plate up with my usual combo which is lettuce, cheese, ham, if available, one small grape tomato, croutons, and ranch dressing. The line was moving smoothly until the lady in front of me said "Uh, oh, they're out of ranch dressing."

Uh, oh is right. "We'll wait," I said. I WAS NOT going back to my table without my ranch dressing. We snagged an employee that was walking by and informed her of the situation. As the moments lagged on and the backup at the salad bar continued to grow I could hear a familiar voice at the end of the line. Bitching, complaining, griping, she was wearing the whole restaurant out. What's the holdup? Why isn't the line moving? What's that big girl (me) up there doing? Why isn't she leaving the salad bar? Did she eat all the food?

Now, I'm not immune to such comments and I had just about had my fill of this woman. They filled the ranch dressing container up and I got mine and headed back to the table. The lady had turned around just as I was about to make a scene. Somebody needed to shut her up.

I was seated enjoying my salad and ranch dressing when she came back to her table. Of course, she bumped me as she sat down and that caused her to look my way. Her brows lifted in recognition and she asked what the holdup was at the salad bar.

"They were out of ranch dressing," I replied.

"Well, good heavens! It goes to figure they would run out as short staffed as these places are, they charge you an arm and a leg for a little bitty plate of food. And don't get me started on what they charge for a drink. Honey, you did the right thing by waiting up there even though you held up the line. Well, I better get to eating now, enjoy your meal."

Too late!

Friday, September 18, 2009

Leaving On A Jet Plane

I was saddened to hear about the passing of folk singer Mary Travers. At first, when I read about it on my homepage I didn't connect who this person was. Then I heard on the nightly news that it was Mary from Peter, Paul and Mary.

Oh.

How sad.

I loved to hear this trio sing. At some point in my life I have warbled along to Puff The Magic Dragon, This Land is Your Land, Lemon Tree, If I had a Hammer, Blowin' in the Wind, and my favorite, Leaving on a Jet Plane. My sister, Big Red, and myself loved to harmonize right along with them as they sang.

I have the group's Greatest Hits compilation which has all of the good songs in one place.

I have it as an album.

I have it as an eight track.

I have it on cassette.

I have it on CD.

I have downloaded it from ITunes.

I have it on my Ipod.

Her voice was genuine and real. I liked it because I could understand what she and the whole group was saying. I like to sing along.

Mary, you will be missed.




Rest in peace.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Another Birthday



Birthday wishes go out to Kathie!

May you enjoy your time at the beach with no worries, no children, and no hurricanes.



Happy Birthday!

Monday, September 14, 2009

MTV Video Awards


Am I getting old?

Music Television or MTV used to be something that I watched for hours. Back in the 80s when it came out we hadn't seen anything like it before. If you wanted to see your favorite artists perform you had to watch Johnny Carson or go see them in person. And my family certainly couldn't afford that.

But with the advent of MTV you could see Madonna, Prince, or my favorite, Michael Jackson, up close and personal. I would watch those videos for days.

I had known that Janet Jackson was going to perform a tribute to her brother to open the show so I decided to tune in. Honestly, I don't know why MTV is having an awards show anyway I haven't seen a video on there in about 10 years. They just have a bunch of quasi reality shows and they've even run out of cities to host the Real World. They even canceled Total Request Live. (TRL)

Janet didn't even open the show, Madonna did with a monologue about Michael being a person and all and everybody should have left him alone. I love Madge, but let's face it, she's in her 50s. She's middle aged just like me. I saw her in concert last year and was expecting cone bras and corsets and got classical guitars and Don't Cry For Me Argentina...Yuck!

I try to remain relevant with my knowledge of new music. I do subscribe to Rolling Stone and they will list the latest and the greatest artists that are releasing a single or ring tone on ITunes. I don't see myself jumping headfirst into a mosh pit anytime soon and the music nowadays just makes me want to shake my head, not bang my head...

...I guess I am getting old, but I still want my MTV.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

What Are The Odds Of That


Did you hear about the baby that was born on 09/09/09? He was born at 9:09 and weighed 9 lbs and 9 ozs.

What are the odds of that?

Do you think 9 will be his lucky number?

I tried to figure out the probability of all of those nines coming together at one time...but then I remembered that I failed Statistics in college...twice! No help there.

I tried to Google it but I couldn't really figure out the question and ended up on some raunchy web site advertising 9 inch prosthetic devices.

If there are any mathematically inclined folks out there or if you know someone that is ask them about the nines. I'm sure someone knows the answer...

Friday, September 11, 2009

A Silent Reminder


In memory of those who lost their lives on that tragic day and for the family and friends that continue to grieve for you, I silence my laughter on this day and fill my heart and soul instead with the prayers and songs of those who remember.

You will never be forgotten and we will never forget.

God Bless America.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Multi Meat Vegetable Soup


I'm hooked on something!

I like to try new recipes out. They aren't really recipes but more along the lines of concoctions that I dream up.

Usually, I'll find something that I like and make it so many times I'll get sick of it before to long. This hasn't happened so far, so, I thought I'd share the ingredients with you.

For lack of a better title, Multi Meat Vegetable Soup was the best that I could come up with. However, I am open to suggestions if you have a better name.

The first ingredient is a leftover meat of some kind. I have used turkey, chicken, pork, and beef so far. Just whatever you have left from a whole chicken, pork loin or even pot roast. I like to buy one of those rotisserie chickens from Krogritz and then use the remains for the soup, but you can use whatever you like.

Leftover meat goes in a 5 quart stock pot and then add the following items:

28oz can of tomato sauce
15oz can of green peas, drained
15oz can of diced potatoes, drained
15oz can of corn, drained
15oz can of wax beans, drained
15oz can of beef broth or bouillon
15oz can of chicken broth or bouillon
15oz can of pinto or mixed beans
half stick of butter or margarine

To get the second meat I have used canned beef, chicken, or pork. Let it simmer for awhile and it tastes pretty good.

The seasonings are what gives the soup a particular flavor. The taste will vary each time depending on what you have in the refrigerator and spice cabinet. My main seasonings used are:

meat tenderizer
garlic salt
Molly McButter
Mrs. Dash
pepper
worcestershire sauce
hot sauce

I give about 5 shakes of each container.

The other seasonings can be steak sauce, barbecue sauce, soy sauce, even mustard. From the spice cabinet you can grab thyme, basil, oregano, whatever you like and suitable to your tastes. Sometimes, I add everything into the pot just to see how it turns out. It's up to you!

Give all the ingredients a stir and let simmer for about 30 minutes.

The mix of vegetables gives the soup a nice texture...no slimy stuff. You'll notice no cabbage, onions, celery or carrots and there's a reason for that: I don't like them!

I serve the soup topped with Parmesan cheese, extra pepper, and garlic breadcrumbs, tortilla strips, or wontons!

Give it a try and let me know how it turns out!

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Seens At The Funeral Home

My neighbor died the other day. I can't really say anything about her because I didn't know her. We were neighbors for fifteen years (she was the wife of the banker that lived on the other side of me)and I had never been in their house. Sometimes, we would exchange waves if we saw each other out back or I might glimpse her at the mailbox as I drove past. I know she fed the stray cats that seemed to multiply like crazy every few months.

I saw her husband more often. He had a real nice riding lawn mower (Cub Cadet) and I couldn't help but watch him as he mowed. I have a thing about riding lawn mowers. He's come over to the house once or twice to offer assistance when I was trying to get out of the driveway after an ice storm. He thought I was nuts trying to drive 30 miles to work on a sheet of ice. But, you know the old post office motto: Neither through sleet, snow or blah, blah, blah shall deter us from our duty and I always arrived in one piece.

When I heard the news of her passing several thoughts passed through my mind. First, I was sorry for the family, and second, I was glad it wasn't someone in my family. Then I wondered if I should go to visitation, send flowers, or take over food. I'm not sure if I would even be recognized in dress clothes or not...not that it mattered.

After sleeping on it I decided I would go to the visitation. It seemed like the neighborly thing to do. When I pulled up to the facility for visitation I noticed my neighbor's name on the marquee. You see, when you utilize this particular funeral home they put your name up in lights outside on a large sign. I used to think this was strange but I've driven passed several times and wondered who they had and all I had to do was look at the sign.

I was a little apprehensive as I walked up the steps. What do I say? What if I say the wrong thing? What if everyone wonders who I am? What if everyone knows who I am and wonders why I came? Why didn't I just send some flowers? Maybe I shouldn't have worn pants? Does my hair look okay? Will I know anyone? I hope I don't know anybody. I'll just sign the book and leave.

I walked into Chapel D and immediately saw my neighbor. He was wearing a dark suit and was seated on a stool beside his wife's coffin. He looked beaten and haggard, had dark circles under his eyes and glanced at me with a look of surprise.

I was behind a lady who obviously was a family friend. I listened as they traded small talk about how long it had been since they had seen one another. How what a nice lady she was. How she loved crossword puzzles and loved to bake. He had tried to get her to go places at times but she always seemed content at home. She had a relatively new car and had only put 2500 miles on it in the last 3 years. She went to the Piggly Wiggly every Sunday after church and bought the week's groceries.

As the lady drifted away it was my turn to offer my condolences. He thanked me several times for coming and I commented on who was now going to feed the cats. He gave a small chuckle and said he didn't know but he had fed them this morning. My neighbor said his wife loved feeding those cats even though they were strays. It gave her great joy.

I had learned more about that nice lady in the last five minutes than I had known for the previous 15 years. Don't worry about your strays friend, I'll make sure they get fed. After all, it's the neighborly thing to do...

Friday, September 4, 2009

Holiday....Celebrate

I'm taking the weekend off for Labor Day. I'll be back next week!


Be safe!


MA Fat Woman

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Having Some Work Done

The blog and I are getting Botox and having some other work done. We'll be back soon with a new and improved look!

BTW, I'm now on Twitter! So, click that link near the upper right hand corner and sign on up to be a follower. I'm sure I'll be addicted to it soon.

Got Kindle? You can now subscribe to Reflections on a Middle Aged Fat Woman. Not sure what Kindle is? It's a thin wireless reading device that works through Amazon that allows you to purchase books, blogs and other content that download onto your device. It's pretty cool. So, click on the link in the upper right hand corner and subscribe today!

MA Fat Woman

Monday, August 31, 2009

I Gotta Get Me One Of Those



Legs feeling tired?




Do you like to feel that you're riding something all day?




Sometimes, you just need that extra boost to get you up that last flight of stairs.


This is the latest technological gadget to come from the Japanese. It's called an assisted walking device. Maybe, it's something that we couch potato Americans can use to help us get a little more exercise.

I can see it now: "Whatcha' ridin' there MA Fat Woman?" I'm asked as I take my laps around the local walking track. "You know there's no motorized vehicles allowed on here, right?"

I think I'll stick to the couch.

Friday, August 28, 2009

Senior Day At The Cinema

Mom called the other day and asked if I wanted to go see the new movie about Julia Child titled Julie and Julia. I agreed to go since I didn't have anything better to do. We decided to go to the afternoon matinee and went to Applebees for lunch. It was really a hard decision about lunch because we usually like to go to Red Lobster when we're in the neighboring town.

Anyhow, lunch was mostly uneventful. We got the Horatio Cane of waitresses. She tried having a conversation with us and wouldn't even look our way. She kept looking out the window and down at the floor. If you're not sure about what I'm referring to check out CSI Miami and watch Horatio. He's always looking down and has his head tilted funny. Weird!

We purchased our tickets, bitched about the price of the popcorn and walked inside the movie theater. I thought it was strange when the lady selling the tickets said that we had got the last two tickets and the movie was now sold out. It was a Wednesday afternoon, school had already started back and I didn't think that this movie was supposed to be a blockbuster or anything. I soon got my answer when we arrived in Theater 2; the place was packed.

It was filled with row upon row of old people, namely senior citizens. I was the youngest person in there by about 30 years. Even Mom, who ain't a spring chicken any longer looked at me strangely. What the heck's going on she seemed to be thinking. Did they get Senior price? Did they get a group discount? How can I get in this group? I knew that these thoughts were probably running through Mom's head.

We found two seats up in the very last row and after tripping over 2 walking canes, a walker on wheels and a prosthetic leg we settled into our seats. The movie started and we were about 30 minutes into it when the tape broke. Mom elbowed me and decided that she wanted popcorn after all and now would be a good time to get it. I agreed and had started down the steps when I heard someone ask me if I was going to the concession stand. I stopped and looked towards the voice and was startled to see the smallest little old lady imaginable. I said I was and she asked if I would get her something too. Her legs don't move so good especially when she's been sitting awhile. I nodded in agreement, collected her money and started back down the steps.

Another voice chimed in. And then another. Finally, once I reached the bottom of the stairs, I just asked the entire audience who wanted popcorn. Almost every hand in the theater wobbled upright. I looked a little scared I think because the lady on the bottom row said, "Come on honey, I'll help you."

It seems in the rush to get the Soothing Waters Assisted Living Home residents inside the theater before the movie started someone had neglected to ask the Seniors if they wanted any refreshments. And that's how for the next 30 minutes, myself and my helper, Genevieve, made about 25 trips to the concession stand. The manager of the theater noticed what we were doing and didn't restart the movie until we had finished. Everyone had popcorn and everyone had a drink!

Well, almost.

When I walked backed up the stairs totally exhausted to reclaim my seat Mom gave me a quizzical look. "Where's my popcorn?" she asked.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Back In Black

Yes, I'm back in black!


Thanks, everyone for offering opinions on the new colors. I tried to embrace the change...didn't work.

I'm going to go back to what I said originally about the basic black look. It's perfect...and it works for me. It may not win the prettiest, cutest, or snazziest looking blog contest.

And that's just fine! Because really, the old saying in this case rings true: You can't judge a book by its cover.

So, enjoy the "new" old look and let's quit wasting time on all this tomfoolery and get back to reflectin'.

MA Fat Woman

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Almost Wordless Wednesday

...titty pink

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Lighten Up

If you're a regular to this blog you might be a little startled by the new background. You could be wondering if you are even on the correct blog. What's up with the MA Fat Woman? What's she into now?

You see, I've changed my mind (isn't that just like a woman)about the oppressive black background, that I needed a change and I told myself to lighten up.

So, I did!

Out with the old, in with the new. I might be making some other changes too. Not right away, this new background is gonna take some gettin' used to.

If you're like me, a little change goes a long way. I've never quite figured out how I've become so set in my ways. One small change can open the door to a whole new way of reflecting on things.

Let me know what you think!


MA Fat Woman

Saturday, August 22, 2009

It's My Lucky Day...Year II

****This was what I posted last year on my lucky day. It didn't turn out as lucky as I would have wanted. So, I'm giving it another whirl. Maybe, better luck this year...year 2!


Today, August 22, is the luckiest day of the year for me. If something exciting is supposed to happen, it usually happens on this day. I can't remember the specific events (okay, maybe I can, but a girl has to have some secrets) but I do know that it was on this date. I do remember that I got my wisdom teeth pulled on this date in 1989. I know that wasn't lucky but I did get to eat mashed potatoes for every meal for a few days. And luckily, my favorite food is mashed potatoes.

I think I am going to try my lucky numbers on the lottery this evening. The problem is that I have to pick five numbers and I only have two: Eight for August and twenty-two for the twenty-second. That means that I will only get two out of five numbers and you don't win anything with just two correct. But, since it is my lucky day, I might get the other three numbers as well. I'm a winner and I didn't even know it. Now, what am I going to do with all that cash?

Friday, August 21, 2009

I Knew You...

...but, I don't know you.

It seems like everybody and their brother is now utilizing the new social networking sites such as MySpace and Facebook. I am on both of those sites and so is Brother; however, we are not friends.

And that's okay.

I have yet to jump into the world of Twitter. I'm not sure if fans of the MA Fat Woman really want to know when I walk into a men's room by mistake or get chased down my driveway by my crazy neighbor as it actually happens. That would take the fun and enjoyment away that I experience when I sit down and rehash the whole story as I pound away on my Commodore 360.

Since I have an addictive personality I'm sure that if I joined Twitter I would become obbessed. After all, who doesn't want to know when Ashton Kutcher or Big Daddy Shaq goes to take a dump. I know I do and I'm not joking. When I was a child and I would watch television I always wondered if Hollywood people went to the bathroom. Thanks to Twitter I now know the answer to that question! One less thing to worry about.

As for people from the past coming back into your life I'm not quite sure how I feel about that. I have approved and been approved by people that I knew when I was younger. I've read reports on Facebook etiquette that it's okay not to approve an Ex or someone that was detrimental to you in the past. Once a psycho, always a wacko, stay away from me is not a bad policy to live by.

As for those friends that somehow just drifted away over the years I can honestly say that I knew you...but, I don't know you now. It's great to hear from you and I'm glad you're still alive and kicking. I'll say hi and it would be nice if you said hi back. I don't want to know your waist size, your butt size or how many beers you can drink on a Friday night. Yes, we've both changed a lot since back then, no, I don't get home much, and I may or may not be going to the reunion.

Remember when we used to do this and you used to be skinny. Yes, I remember those days, and hopefully, one day, I will be again. I'll say it again. I knew you...

...but, I don't know you now.

Nor, do I want too!

Let's just leave things in the past, shall we?

Can we still be friends?

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Monday, August 17, 2009

Car Trouble...Part V

We drove about a mile up the road before hair guy pulled off to the side of the road. There, he put his foot on the brake and revved up the engine with the car in drive. Errrrrrrrrrkkkkkkkkkk! That's the sound my new tires made as he listened to the noises that the engine was making. "There ain't nothin' wrong with your transmission; it's the engine. Hear that? That sputtering? It's missing. When's the last time you had a tuneup?" he asked.

"I've never had a tuneup," I replied.

"All you need is some new spark plugs and wires, I'll clean out the fuel filter. It still could be the coil package (What's that?). I got this computer (he does) that will run all of the diagnostics and help narrow it down. It's gonna be a couple hours though, we got a lot of irons in the fire right now. You can wait in the office, but watch those stools, they lean a little...big girl like you might not be to comfortable."

Relieved once again that it wasn't the transmission I let the comment about the "big girl" slide. I didn't want to piss this man off. I needed him to fix my car.

Over the next few hours I watched and listened to the happenings in this place that was totally foreign to me. There were several men hanging around getting their vehicles worked on and they liked to talk. In fact, hair guy liked to talk too! I don't know how they got any work done, but between muffled guffaws and spits of chewing tobacco those vehicles being repaired were flying out of the place.

Hair guy had walked into the office one time and told me how things were going. Noticing all of the pictures and trophies of the old cars I asked him if he had ever been up to the Cruise in that Mom and I had went to a few weeks ago. Of course, I told him all the details and especially that these cars cruise up and down the road, not just set in a parking lot with the hoods up. "I might have to check it out," he said. "Write down the information for me."

A while later he came back in and told me that I was ready to go. My engine had in fact been missing. (Mom was right) He had installed new plugs and wires, cleaned the fuel throttle and replaced the air filter. He told me at first that it was going to be $275 but since I had tipped him off about the Cruise in up in Kentucky he would only charge me $250. (Worked for me.)

As I was getting ready to leave we started chit chatting about old cars. "What kind of car do you have?" I asked.

"I gotta '57 Chevy," he said. "You wanna see it?"

"Sure!"

"Follow me," he said. We walked back through the service area and through a door that I hadn't previously seen. In the room was car parts of all kinds and in the back corner, under a tarp, sat the Chevy. As he reached to pull off the cover he paused slightly, "I know what you're gonna say. What color is that? I don't want to offend you or anything but its got an unusual name."

Somehow, I already knew what the color of that car was going to be. Yep, it was titty pink!

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Car Trouble...Part IV

I called Mom on the way to let her know what was going on. "Didn't sound like the transmission to me," she said. It's missing, you ever had that thing tuned up?"

"It's not a thing, Mom. It's a Mustang!" I said.

"Whatever, I know what a car sounds like when it's missing. You better hope it's missing and not the transmission. That'll set you back at least 4 grand. Where you gonna get that kind of money? If you still worked at the Post Office, you might've had the money. I know you wanted to pursue your dream of being a writer and wanted something a little more interesting than selling stamps, but, I bet you didn't think that you was gonna need a new transmission. Well, I gotta go to Bingo. Call me if you need me to come get you while they work on your car." Click!

I pulled into the parking lot of the Ford transmission guy's shop and walked into a place that was straight out of a movie. No doubt about it, this place was a garage. The office, if you could call it that, had a torn, black leather couch and two bar stools that leaned slightly to the left. On the walls, was picture after picture of souped up cars and a cabinet filled with trophies and ribbons from various car shows.

As I peered into the service area, I could see various cars in differing stages of being worked on. I saw the usual Mac tool toolboxes, air hoses, and grease rags strewn about the place and a couple of girlie calendars placed in strategic locations, supposedly only visible to the mechanics.

As I was standing there, a man, small in stature, but big in hair (he looked like he was from an 80s hair band) (watch out, Def Leppard) walked up to me and said, "Can I hep ya with somethin'?"

"I hear you're the guy to see about a Ford Mustang transmission," I replied.

"What's the problem?"

I told him what was going on and how I had made my way to see him and finally he said, "Well, what we waitin' for? Let's take her for a spin and see what she'll do." And for the second time that day, my car laid rubber down as she was taken out for another spin...

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Car Trouble...Part III

I guess I made it about 5 miles before the Mustang started to shimmy and shake once again. Maybe, it needed to run for a bit so the fluid could work it's way down into the engine. That seemed like a really good idea so I kept going. I went another ten miles or so before I realized that it wasn't getting any better and I better head back to the service station.

Crap!

Dang it!

I pulled back into the service station and both Slim and Curly started shaking their heads. "It's doing the same thing," I said before they could ask.

"Mmmm, I don't think there's anything else we can do for you here," Slim said. The next part of the conversation dealt with every mechanic within a 50 mile radius of our small town. You don't want to go to so and so because of this, that, and the other or you could go to them but they'll charge you an arm and a leg. We all agreed that it would be better to take it to a small shop versus one of those big name places or to even the Ford Dealership because they charge way too much money.

They finally recommended a guy in the next town about 20 miles a way but I thought I would try a guy that Mom had used to fix her air conditioner for half the price of everyone else. I drove over to this fella's place and he listened intently as I told him what that problem was and what had been done so far.

"I'm gonna be honest with you," he said. "I'm not the man for the job. There's a guy in the next town who you need to go see. He's not only a Ford man, he's a Ford Mustang transmission man...

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Car Trouble...Part II

I got up early the next morning and headed on over to the service station. Slim, the tall, skinny guy sauntered over to me and asked what the problem was? I told him what it was doing and he asked to take it for a ride. I didn't mind and watched in slight disbelief as he got a wheel tearing out of the station parking lot. (I had just got new tires.)

I stood and waited for a few tense moments until he came roaring back into the station. "Sounds like the transmission," he said. (Uh, oh) "I'm just learning about Fords, I'm not a Ford man yet. Let me get Curly over here to take a look at her. He worked over at the Ford place until he got fired. Hey Curly! Come on over here and take a look at this."

Slim proceeded to inform Curly of everything that I had told him and what he had just experienced while driving my car. Curly turned his head to the side, stroked his beard and said, "Yep, sounds like the transmission to me. When was the last time you checked the transmission fluid?" he asked.

"Never," I said. "I thought you guys do that when you change the oil; you know, topping off the fluids and such." He ignored my statement and told Slim to check the level of the transmission fluid. Slim pulled out the stick and pushed it back in then withdrew it one more time. I became a little concerned as Slim had to squint closer and closer to the dipstick, shook his head and showed it to Curly who also had to squint to see if there was any moisture on the stick.

"Looks like you ain't got no fluid in there at all," Curly said. "That's your problem right there." Slim put in a quart of transmission fluid, slammed the hood down and tore out of the parking lot one more time. He pulled back into the station and with a nod of his head told me I was ready to go.

We walked into the office to settle up the bill and he said it would be 4 bucks just for the transmission fluid. Shoot, I was so ecstatic that it wasn't the transmission that I gave him a twenty and told him to keep the change. His face lit up and with a big grin told me to have a good one. I climbed back into the Mustang and started heading west; I had an undercover assignment about 30 miles away...

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