Still Wearing The Same Suit

I'll be on vacation for the next week down along the Georgia Coast. I'm still wearing last year's swimsuit so I thought I would let you revisit this story. Enjoy! Beachgoers beware!! The middle-aged fat woman is coming soon to a beach near you with a brand new bathing suit. Cover your children's eyes. What was that flash of white?(my pearly white skin) I don't care what anyone says, this year I'm going to the beach for a whole week and I am going to enjoy every minute of it. So I bought myself a new swimsuit. I didn't try it on 'cause I know what size I am. Plus, I don't like to use dressing rooms.(I always think someone is watching through those mirrors) And if you're at one of those big stores where the dressing room is out in the middle with no ceiling, they can look right down and check out your stuff.(Makes me shiver and cringe) I hate to admit it but I spent over $18.00 on my new swimsuit. Seems like an awful lot of money for a little piece of string. I picked out a nice brown jungle pattern that matched the splotchiness in my complexion and was the color of my new sandals. Once I got home I thought I would try it on and see how it looks. I began to remove all of the tags including the price tag,(paid too much) the security tag,(it only cost 18 bucks) the designer label,(yeah, right) and lastly, that other thing called a panty shield. (Gross) Ok, I'm ready to take that first step. One leg goes in, then the other. I begin to pull the one-piece upwards toward my hips and am met with a slight resistance.(Not a problem, happens all the time) I tug harder and up it snaps(OW). I insert each arm into the proper slot and begin to pull, stretch, twist and contort myself into my new suit. I begin to adjust everything and put it where it normally sags, but darn it, if the shoulder straps don't keep slipping off my shoulders.(I hate that) My chest is heaving, sweat is dripping off my brow, I think I might have pulled a muscle in my back trying to get the stupid thing on. Now, comes the moment of truth. I turn around and look in the full-length mirror to check myself out. My head turns to the left, then the right, I turn around and look at the back....I shake my head and say to myself, "Aren't you glad you bought the matching coverup?"

Fat Feet, The Flu And Hemorrhoids...Part III

...back to what I was saying. I had gotten on a casino's address list somehow and they kept sending me offers for free rooms and free food so I decided that I would take them up on their offer. I mentioned to the gathered crowd of fourteen that I would be leaving the beach house for a few days for a little adult entertainment and was wondering if anyone wanted to tag along. I was somewhat surprised when every hand in the room shot straight up including the youngest child there, and she was only seven. Good heavens! I was trying to get away from the crowd (and sleeping on the short U-shaped couch which everyone said they wouldn't have a problem sleeping on (nobody volunteered) and sleeping on the blow up air mattress that threatened to envelop me like a hot dog every time I moved a muscle) and the crowd wanted to come with me. Most peculiar of all was the fact that Sister seemed to be the most animated of the group. She was straining in her chair and was bouncing up and down saying, "ooh, ooh, take me. I wanna go!" I didn't think that she would want to go? She likes having everyone around and had already secured the east wing of the beach house as her own. I mean it's really Sister's vacation, the rest of us just tag along to keep her company. I'm not sure my Sister likes the beach so much. She has a very light complexion, freckles and red hair. She spends approximately two minutes on the beach each year and that's only when the sun is completely down and there's no moon. She will occasionally glance out the window and check out the ocean for dolphins. She has never been confused for a sun worshipper and even wears a wide-brimmed hat when she's inside. Just in case, she says. Anyhow, I couldn't simply decide who was going to accompany me to Biloxi so the family decided that they would draw straws and Mom was the lucky winner. Another one of my friends went the first night and then we swapped people and Mom stayed the last two nights. Sister decided that she didn't want to go after all, she might miss one of the sunny days at the beach. (I didn't really understand that statement, but somehow, I guess it made sense...)