I'll Make A Donation

I was up at the mailbox this morning when my eccentric neighbor, Merlethem Shatz, spotted me and came rushing over. For obvious reasons that I've chronicled before I try to avoid her whenever possible. However, I'm usually not successful and end up with an earful; today was no exception. "Hey! Middle-Aged Fat Lady! Where you been? You ain't been setting out on the porch lately?" "It's been too hot," I replied. "Whew! I know what you mean. I've been chafed in more places than I care to mention. I been through a whole bottle of Goldbond Medicated Powder. Tell your sister I said thanks for those coupons; they really came in handy. Did you watch the Stand Up To Cancer Telethon the other night?" "I watched most of it. I was amazed that they got all three of the network news anchors to be together on the same channel," I said. "Well, I wasn't too concerned about that. I've been saving my change and I wanted to make a donation," Merlethem said. "That's terrific. Did you make one?" "I did, but it took me all night!" "Why? Was the line busy?" I asked. "No. I kept hanging up on them," she said. "What did you do that for?" I asked. "I kept getting people I've never heard of before," she said. "I don't understand..." "Every time I called I got a volunteer or someone that I've never heard of. I got that Kathy Griffin woman three times. Ain't she on the B list or something?" "Well, I don't think it's very nice to hang up on people. Those folks are volunteering their time and energy." "That may be true. But, I'm volunteering my money and if I'm going to make a donation. I want to talk to a celebrity. A real one."

For Whom The Bell Tolls

I’ve been hiding lately. I’ve been doing a lot of running around tending to errands, going to the grocery stores, going Christmas shopping, and eating out. All of those things that you do this time of year. Everywhere I go it seems the bell follows me. I know times are tough everywhere and I give as much as I can. But, I have put money in the fireman’s boot. I have given to the men in the funny hats. I have taken an ornament off the tree at the library. I sent a check to the children’s hospital. I gave at the office. Enough already! Do you feel guilty when you walk past the bell ringer and don’t put anything in the bucket? Do you slide your eyes that way to see if they are watching you. What if you have to keep going out to your car and then going back inside? Do you think they counted how many times you walked past the bucket? In my town they are set up on every corner and doing errands on Saturday morning can cause an anxiety attack. One way takes you to the post office. The other way takes you to the bank, and, still another takes you to the grocery store. Different corners and they are all collecting for something. I dumped my change at the last corner. Why did the lady at this corner look at me and hold out her bucket? I shook my head no and she gave me a shrug and moved on to the next car. Not very friendly—just remember if I don’t put something in your bucket, it doesn’t mean I’m cheap…you just might not be on the right corner.