What I Did For Brown

I'm not big on housecoats, especially this time of year when it is so hot. I don't have central air, I have three window units but only two can be turned on at a time. You can't have the microwave, hair dryer or coffee pot on while more than one unit is running either because that will result in flipping the breaker, which is a bad thing. The breaker box is in the basement which wouldn't be a bad thing if you didn't have to go outside, down the steps, move the pole that holds the two basement doors closed, grope your way through numerous cobwebs, try not to step on the big toad that lives there, work your way past the riding mower that won't budge and hold your breath because of the worm farm that Janie Bell kept down there back in the 50s. (It's a really old house and Janie Bell was one of the characters that used to live here over 50 years ago.) All of this results in taking certain liberties within my own home. Namely, I like to air dry myself when I get out of the shower. Since there is no air conditioning in the bathroom I usually go into the kitchen and stand in front of that unit--which is right beside the door--and which also has another window with a curtain but no shade. The shade on the door is usually open; I like to look outside and watch the seens. Recently, I had an unexpected visitor, the UPS man. He and I have become friendly this past year. He had been admiring my mini greenhouses that I raised over a 100 tomato plants from seed in since March of this year that I took and sold at the flea market. He usually backs the truck down the driveway because there isn't anywhere to turn around out back. I usually hear the truck because they are pretty loud. I don't know if it was the radio blasting, or the window unit roaring, or I just had my head up my ass because I heard a knock at the door and then everything seemed to go in slow motion. I jumped, looked through the shade on the door, saw him, screamed and crossed my arms across my chest. Brown's eyes shot straight up, he stumbled backward and nearly lost his balance and dumped my packages on the chair outside. "Nothing to sign," he said. "Have a nice day." I didn't move, I was too mortified to budge. I had just flashed the UPS guy. Goodness, with my luck, the Jehovah Witnesses will be pulling in next. After the shock wore off, the worry set in: What was his reaction? Will it make things weird between us? Maybe, I do need to wear a housecoat? Later in the evening I was sitting out on the porch when I was surprised to see another UPS truck pull into the driveway. Yep, it was him and he had a package in his hand. Oh crap, what am I going to say to this guy? Before I could say anything this is what he said: "In all of the excitement this morning, I forgot this one, and by the way, nice package."

Was That The Phone?

I don't get that many phone calls. It could be because that I'm on the Do Not Call List or that when asked to give my phone number on a registration form or something I generally give the wrong number. My number isn't unlisted...I'm too cheap to pay the extra fee. I have a cell phone (who doesn't) but I don't really like to talk on it. I'm always paranoid of going over my minutes. I got a friend who talks on the phone so much that she sometimes goes over her monthly plan which has unlimited minutes. I know! It seems that whenever I do get a call I'm always in the shower. When I was younger and more svelte if I heard the phone ringing while in the shower I would slip, drip and slide all the way to the phone to get there in time to hear a dial tone. These days...not so much! If I think I hear the phone I'll turn the shower off, turn my head and listen intently. Was that the phone? I always think I hear a ringing of some kind, or worse, I think it might be somebody knocking at the door. In my younger days I might've slipped, dripped and slid to get to the door wearing only what the good Lord gave me. These days....not so much...well, maybe? It could be the UPS guy! Yummy! What things do you think you hear in the shower? Tune in next time for Seens From the New Porch!