Another Mother, Daughter Conversation

I haven't written about any conversations with my mom lately but this one really takes the cake. The following is a conversation that took place a few evenings ago: I called mom. Mom: "Hello?" Me: "Hey?" Silence... "Mom?" Mom: "Yep?" Me: "What are you doing?" Mom: "It's 7:15 p.m. What'cha think I'm doing?" Me: "Watching Wheel of Fortune?" Mom: "Yep. Eating too! HIT ME WITH YOUR BEST SHOT?" Me: "Huh?" Mom: "Hit Me With Your Best Shot." Me: "Are you listening to Pat Benetar? I didn't know you were a fan. I just got through eating too." Mom: "No, I answered the puzzle on TV. What did you eat for dinner? No, don't tell me; let me guess. Fried chicken, mashed potatoes, mac & cheese, biscuits, sweet tea and chocolate cake, am I close?" Me: "Uh, not really." Mom: "Okay. Pizza, hot wings and real Coke, I know that's one of your favorites." Me: "Nope. I made Asian stir fry. It had boneless, skinless chicken, sugar snap peas, red peppers, soy sauce and I topped it off with an egg. I also had slices of fresh tomatoes from my garden and sauteed asparagus. It was incredible!" Silence. Me: "Hello?" More silence. Me: "Mom?" Mom: "Since when have you started eating like that? I don't think you've ever eaten a pepper or a pea pod?" Me: "I told you I was trying to eat better. I'm eating all sorts of new things." Mom: "Good for you. Does that mean we can't go to Dairy Queen when you come up tomorrow?" Me: "We can go, but I'm gonna watch you eat. I'm serious this time." Mom: "I guess you must be serious. CHANGING YOUR WAYS? You never turn down ice cream." Me: "What?" Mom: "Changing your ways--that was the last puzzle on the show. I guess it must be a sign. Well, I'm rootin' for ya. Gotta go! Click!" A sign? Maybe? Check back in a few months. I'll let you know how it's going...

Summertime Conversations

***The following conversation took place between my mother and me a few days ago. We hadn't spoken in over a week which is unusual for us. Riiiiinnnnngggggg Me: Hello? Mom: What'cha doing? Me: Sweatin'! Mom: Oh! What'cha been doing? Me: Sweating. Mom: I see. Me: How was your trip? Mom: Warm. Me: Did you do any sight-seeing? Mom: Well, we started to get out of the car once, but it was too hot. Me: I see. When did you get back? Mom: A few days ago. Did you do anything for Friend's birthday? Me: We were gonna go fishing, but it was too humid. Went to the casino instead. Mom: Oh, my! How much did you lose? Me: None! I came out ahead for a change. Mom: Wow! Good for you. What about Friend? Me: Well...it wasn't her day. She did get to keep her birthday cake, though. Mom: Hahahahaha. Lololololololol. Hehehehhe... Me: You shouldn't laugh at that... Mom: I can't help it; it's funny to me. Me: I'm going to cook a birthday dinner, do you want to come eat? Mom: Come to your house? In this heat? Heavens, no! It would be fun to watch you play musical air conditioners, though. Well, gotta go, Wheel of Fortune is on. Bye. Click!

Another Mother, Daughter Conversation

The following conversation took place on a recent morning when Mom called me at home in a panic. It's 28 miles to my mom's house... Me: Hello? Mom: Emergency! I gotta emergency. I need you to come right away and carry Brother to his eye surgery. I locked the keys in the car. Me: But, Mom? It's gonna take me at least 30 minutes to get there if I run out the door right now and then another 45 minutes to cross over the mountain. Mom: You can make it. You know you drive that Mustang like someone is chasing you all the time. Can you come right now? Me: I haven't even had a shower yet. Why don't you call that guy up the road? He can be there in 15 minutes. Mom: I need you to come now. Can't you come as you are? Me: Okay! Mom: Hurry! He's gotta be there by 12:30. Click! (It was 11:15 at that point) Now, there was no way in hell that I was walking out the door the way I was dressed. My hair was sweaty and matted and my legs were green. I had on mismatched socks, an old bleached out T-shirt, no bra, cut off sweats and combat boots. I'd been weed eating and had only come inside because I needed a drink. I took the fastest shower imaginable and was out the door in 8 minutes. Record time! I took the backway to Mom's house, doing 70 in a 45 mph zone the whole way. I got stuck at a traffic light about 3 miles from her house when my cell rang. Me: Hello? Mom: Never mind. I got it unlocked, where are you? Me: I'm near the Dairy Queen. Mom: Well, never mind. I don't need you now. At least you didn't have to come the whole way...

More Mother, Daughter Conversations

Mom and I have been speaking a little more than once a week on the phone. I'm not sure why we bother. The following is how the conversation usually takes place after I call her: Mom: Hello? Me: Hey Silence... ...more silence... ...followed by still more silence... Me: Hello? Mom: What? Me: Aren't you gonna say anything? Mom: I said hello! You're the one that called me, aren't you? I'm just waiting on you to tell me why you called... ...see what I mean.