I bet you didn't know that Donald J. Trump has a side he has yet to reveal to the American voters. According to several sources that I interviewed and recorded secretly without their consent, the side that the Donald has been trying desperately to keep under wraps, wait for it----is his more feminine side.
I know it's astonishing to think that there could be more information out there that the voters needed to hear to make their decision on election day, but I feel it is my duty to pass along to my faithful readers all I have learned.
So without further delay, here are the top ten thoughts from the Donald's feminine side:
10. Does this suit make me look bloated?
9. I'm feeling a little hormonal today.
8. Does this foundation make me look like a pumpkin?
7. I hope I don't start my period today.
6. This humidity is just wrecking my hair. Is this flip okay or should I just pull it back?
5. I love how the sleeves of my jacket make my hands look so petite.
4. I can't believe I started my period today.
3. I really do have a headache.
2. I'm taking some time for "me" when this damn election is over.
1. (On seeing a picture of himself) I've got to remember to stay at least an arm's length away from that guy.
There you have it. These thoughts are not helpful to anyone in any way but I've sent the Clinton campaign an email telling them of my findings. I'm sure they'll know what to do with them.
One last thing before I go. Please don't complain if your candidate doesn't win. Haven't you wondered how much better our lives could be if we stopped being so negative about everything? I know I have and I'm going to do my best to do my part.
And remember to vote on November 8!