My Niece's Birthday

Happy Birthday to my niece who turns 17 today! I hope you have a good day!

Top Ten Things To Do During The Latest Heat Wave

Here's another top ten list for your enjoyment: What are the top ten things to do during the second heat wave of the season? 10. Complain to all your friends on Facebook about how hot it is? 9. Step outside to get a closer look at the thermometer to be sure it actually says 102 degrees at 11:00 AM---in the shade. 8. Confirm that it actually is 102 degrees in the shade with 75% humidity and begin the day with another nasty case of swamp ass. (Sweating of the loins.) (Thanks, Marilynn!) 7. Stay indoors! (Nope, can't do that. It's hotter inside than it is outside.) 6. Plan a road trip to audition for a television game show. (I'll let you know how that turns out.) 5. Change clothes for the 5th time because it's too hot to do anything inside either; those chores will just have to wait. 4. Stare at window air conditioning units and wonder just how high the power bill is going to be this summer. 3. Sit and sweat as you look at the window air conditioning units that are now turned off since the power bill was over $300. 2. Have some ice cream while typing out a top ten list about things to do during the first heat wave of the season. 1. Move to your mother's house for a few days; she has central air! Stay cool!

More Neck Pimples

****In case you missed it the first time around.**** My next door elderly neighbor, Ms. Merlethem Shatz, cornered me up at the mailbox the other day and decided to tell me how she had been feeling recently. I normally try to avoid these conversations with her because whatever she tells me usually makes my skin crawl. This time was no exception. Neck pimples. That's what was ailing her this week; she had a big icky pimple on the back of her neck and she couldn't get it to pop. It was making her whole head hurt like she had a migraine or something. She asked me if I wanted to have a go at it (she's British) and I started to look at it before I caught myself. Sometimes, your curiosity can get the better of you and Merlethem realized that she had piqued my interest and started in on one of her stories. She's kind of like Rose from the Golden Girls and her stories about life back in St Olaf. "Back when I was a girl I had the worst time with pimples...or I think you call them zits now...blah, blah, blah" Goodness! I had to get out of there, and fast. "You don't have any Preparation H do you?" she asked. "What for?" I replied. "Well, I had a pimple on my bum a few years back and all I had was some Preparation H and I put it on the bump and it went right away." "No, luckily I haven't had a need for Preparation H. I don't have any hemorrhoids and I don't have pimples on my butt. I think they sell it at the drug store." "Okay, I better get down there before they close. Damn, my head hurts. You got any Goody Powders?" "No!" "What about Tylenol?" "No!" "Bayer?" "Excedrin?" "Aleve?" "I know you got some Doan's pills for your back that is always out when I ask you to carry something for me. Can I have one of them?" At that point she had followed me down my driveway and onto the new porch. "Merlethem, this is my house," I said. "Yours is over there." "How'd I get here?" she asked. "I told you that neck pimple was bothering me. I can't even find my own house. Are you sure you don't want to have a go at this thing?" Rrrrrrriiiinnnggggg. "Gotta go, someone is calling," I said. "Hello?" "Hi, this is Felicia from Proactive..."

I'm A Late Bloomer

Well, whoopty do, hot damn and cool beans are the best expressions that I could come up with to describe how I'm feeling right now. Why am I so excited? I get to go on a business trip. I've never been on an overnight company paid trip before. Either I've been in the wrong professions or I'm a very late bloomer. Have I mentioned that I got a new job? For the next few weeks, posting will be a bit sporadic, so I'm gonna reissue some of my favorites from the past. I also want you to know that I have a very BIG announcement coming up soon; something that I have been working really hard on. Until then, stay cool!

Parades, Again

I missed the Fourth of July parade again this year, but just barely. I wanted to go, but I have this thing about parades. They scare me a little and usually make me cry. I was in the marching band in high school so I got to march in several parades a year. I don't think they bothered me then because I was in the parade and didn't have to watch. From the tenth grade on I marched in the very front row on the left-hand side. I played a large brass instrument and it was a lot of fun. Maybe, it was from watching all of those Thanksgiving parades on TV that made me nervous around parades. All of those large inflated creatures that if there was just one wrong misstep could send their handlers floating off somewhere over the rainbow. As I drove into town yesterday, tractor pulled floats with balloons flapping in the breeze, pickup trucks with 'Vote-for-so-and-so' and gleaming red firetrucks passed me coming the other way. When I reached the center of town it looked like someone had set a bomb off(wonder if they had a permit?). Trash everywhere. Families were still milling around town clinging to their children's hands to keep them from running into the street to salvage any leftover thrown candy. I saw one child dart out into traffic, hit a pile of manure(EEWWW) left by a horse in the parade, pick up a piece of candy and slide across the road into the waiting arms of a very shocked parent. One parade judge was receiving medical attention because one of the parade participants had thrown an exceptionally large piece of hard candy at him and boinked him on the head.(I think they got last place) I heard a little girl sobbing inconsolably because she hadn't gotten any of the candy thrown in her direction.(See a pattern here?) As I was waiting to make a left hand turn in the center of town, I was startled when I heard something beside me go bleep, bleep. I looked at all of my mirrors and couldn't see a thing. Bleep, Bleep, BBBLLLLEEEEEEPP!! All of a sudden, six very large clowns(I'm scared of clowns too) jumped up out of the smallest motorized vehicle that I have ever seen and yelled, "Chinese Fire Drill". The light turned green but I stayed put. Clowns were running beside me, around me, one even tried to open my door(good thing I had it locked) all jumping up and waving, one tripped over his feet, one pulled a flower from his sleeve, one honked his nose at me and one handed me a balloon in the shape of a wiener dog. As the light turned back to red, they hopped back into that car, made a right turn and sped off. I had to wait for the light to turn green again and I was shocked to hear a bleep, bleep once again. I looked up and saw that little car heading my way again and thought, "I don't think so." I didn't care what color the light was, I slammed that Mustang down into first gear, hit that pile of manure, hit the emergency brake, squalled the tires, and laid down a piece of rubber that would've made Old Number 3 right proud. I left them clowns choking and gasping in my dust. I had to stop and get gas before I left town and was alittle uneasy when a guy in a clown suit pulled up at the next pump. He smiled at me and I just kind of looked away. I heard his cell phone ring and he began to talk to someone. I had finished pumping my gas and looked backed over at the clown.(He wasn't there) As I did so, I heard a 'honk', I jumped out of my skin, turned back around and there stood the clown. "My friends just called and said you really made their day with that manuever back at the light", he said. "They want to know if you want to go to the next town and be in the parade with them?"(Sign me up!)

Happy Fourth Of July

Orignally published July '08 The scene--Any small town in a state that doesn't allow fireworks, namely Georgia. A guy walks into his local courthouse and asks where he can get a permit. The guard sends him down to the permit office. There is a really long line and only one window open. He admits to himself that this permit thing must be a pretty good idea, 'cause everyone here seems to be getting one. After all, on July 4th, he always hears fireworks going off all over town, so, they must have a permit, right? The man finally reaches the counter after one lunch break, and two smoke breaks and asks the lady about applying for a permit. She pulls out the forms and said that the fee was going to be $500.00. He scratches his head and thought that that sounded like a lot of money. "Ma'am, why does it cost so much to get a permit to let off fireworks," he asked? "Let off fireworks," she said. "Don't you know that is illegal in this state?" The man scratched his head once again and then asked, "What are all of these people here for?" "Sir, this is the tag office," she said. The man, quite confused by this time, looks up and asks, "Where does the city get its permit to let off fireworks for the community each year?" The lady, quite at a loss for words looks up and says, "Wait right here, I'm gonna go get my supervisor." Enjoy your 4th of July wherever you are and remember this: Let the professionals shoot off the fireworks, because they have a permit. Just don't ask to see it.

More Summertime Conversations

I had just returned from my mini vacation and was enjoying the early summer heat (not) when Mom called. MAFW: Hello? Mom: Whatcha' doin'? MAFW: Whew! I'm sweating like a whore in church. Mom: Holy Crap! You swear worse than your dad did; you know that's not very ladylike and I taught you better than that. MAFW: Sometimes you can't use the nice words when a bad one fits so perfectly. Mom: What? Are you making up stuff again? It sure is hot, ain't it. I bet you were glad to be back in your own home playing musical air conditioners, aren't ya? Are you having another hot flash? *snort MAFW: Mom? Mom: What? MAFW: What did you want? Mom: I don't know. You called me blubbering about sweating in church or something. MAFW: I'm not a 'ho. Mom: Lord, you better not be. I'd pull you up by the hair on your head... MAFW: MOM! Mom: Listen here, MYMY...don't you get smart with me...if you're so hot why don't you go stick your head in the freezer like you did when you was a kid. I gotta go, Jeopardy is on. Click!