Monday, January 31, 2011

Sad Sack

Several months ago, Friend and I had went to a local antique auction in the neighboring town. Nothing really interested me until a large box of old, dusty burlap sacks came up for bid. I had the winning bid and became the proud owner of 25 vintage burlap sacks.

After sitting around a few weeks gathering more dust, I had come up with the idea that I would make market bags and art pieces out of half of them and take them to the flea market to sell. I thought it was a good idea but no one wanted to buy any. I put the bags up on eBay and still no bites. The market bag that I am giving away for the gift card guessing contest is one that we had made. Mom and I were beginning to wonder if the bags weren't cursed or something. The only burlap pieces I sold was the plain, boring sacks that hadn't been altered in any way. I think I sold about 3 of them.

Anyhow, all of that background info brings me back to this past weekend. The month of January in the North Georgia Mountains has been cloudy, cold, icy and snowy, as has most of the Eastern United States. Definitely, not what we're used to. So, when temps in the mid 60s was forecast under sunny skies, you could bet that a lot of folks were going to try and get rid of their cabin fever. And what better way to do that than to go walk around the flea market and buy some junk.

I decided that I would throw some stuff into the car and see if I could sell something. At the last minute, I grabbed up the remaining plain burlap sacks, roughly 12, I believe and threw them in too. The flea market that I normally sell at hasn't opened up for the year yet, but there is a new one that I have been wanting to check out a few miles down the road.

I set my wares out next to a nice lady that was excited to be there. Her daughter, son-in-law, and three kids had been staying with them along with a husband that drank, five dogs, three cats and a pot-bellied pig. Her drunkard husband had gotten into a fight with the daughter and said if they didn't start bringing in some money soon, they might have to butcher and eat the pot-bellied pig which they called Fluffy. Needless to say, this made everybody mad and no one was talking, so the lady got the hell (her words) out of there and came to the flea market.

About 10 o'clock or so, somebody must have opened the gate because that place filled up fast. You would have thought I was giving away money the way folks was swarming around my table. And best of all, they were actually buying.

As usual, no one was paying attention to the burlap sacks until a guy walked over that was dressed in boots, bib overalls and a John Deere hat. "Where'd ya get them sacks at?" he asked. "These are find to in this good of shape."

"I got 'em at an auction," I said, and proceeded to tell him what I wanted for them.

"Sounds fair. I'll take all of them."

"You will!" I was so surprised you could have pushed me over with one finger. "What are you going to do with them?"

"Oh, we use 'em to kill hogs."


Oh. My.

Oh. My. Goodness.

I really didn't need to know that. "Well, okay. You have a nice day," I replied.

About that time, a small group of people walked up to my new friend's table which turned out to be her family. After a short discussion, she walked over and asked if I had any more burlap sacks.

"Nope, I might have one more at home. What'd you need one for?" I asked.

After a few moments, and with a look of resignation, she said one word: "Fluffy."

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Potty Mouth Of The South

Last weekend, Mom and I went up to Harrah's Casino in Cherokee, NC, for a night on the town. I had procured last row seats for us to watch a live cooking demonstration by the charming and butter loving Queen of Southern Cuisine, Miss Paula Deen. Mom and I weren't totally in the back row (3rd from the back)but we were far enough away that you had to watch one of the large projection screens to see what was happening on the stage.

I'm not really sure what I was expecting, but I was definitely surprised at what I got. Somewhere between calling a few ladies in the audience "Bitches" to discussing "things" that she blew with her son, I began to squirm and feel uncomfortable in my seat. Mom noticed I was uneasy after another colorful off the cuff remark and said, "Ain't she funny. I heard she was raunchy."

Raunchy. My mother just said the word raunchy. I'm no prude by any means but is raunchy really the word you want to hear your mother say? What about funny? What about What's she cooking next? Maybe even I love it when she says, Hey Ya'll? But, definitely not raunchy.

And so the show must go on. Me, in a state of total disbelief that my favorite TV chef was no longer the Queen of Southern Cuisine but had morphed into the Potty Mouth of the South. Mom, sitting upright, erect with nose peeled to her binoculars totally transfixed by the sights and sounds emanating from her hero, Paula Deen.

Paula didn't do any cooking. One of the chefs that work for her prepared the meal while Paula paced the stage and took questions from the audience in a Carol Burnett Show fashion. It was a three-course meal prepared for a few lucky folks that got to sit up on the stage. Several of her family members were there including her Aunt Peggy; brother, Bubba; husband, Michael and son, Bobby, and they all sat on the stage shaking their heads as the TV chef peppered the audience with as much fire that is found in her signature hot crab dip.

One of the highlights of the show was when Bobby spoke about a couple that he had met the night before in the new Paula Deen Kitchen restaurant. The man, having been injured in an accident was now wheelchair bound and relied heavily on his girlfriend of many years as he continued his recovery. Paula asked the couple, who were seated in the row right behind us to come down to the stage. Once there, the man proposed to his girlfriend (she accepted) and they got to sit at the table with the other guests. It really was an awesome moment!

Later, as we stalked Paula around the casino (she was hanging out in the high roller section) and were waiting in line to eat, we overheard a group of seniorly, cackling old bitties complaining about the fact that she hadn't cooked and had used such salty language. Mom, who had removed her Walkman to listen just shook her head in disgust. "I don't understand what was so bad about it," she said. "Them women been blowing stuff probably their whole married lives. Friggin' prudes!"

Whatever you say, Mom!

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Revised Contest Post

Well, it seems like I have stumped the readers of MA Fat Woman. Only one brave reader tried to venture a guess of what gift cards I received for Christmas. I gave you a very good clue that one of the cards was from a new place that opened up in my town last August. To give you another clue, almost every county seat in America probably has one. Easy, if you ask me.

To also encourage audience participation, I am going to remove the Longhorn and Home Depot answers so you will only have to guess 5 out of 8 which should help.

1. Amazon

2. EBay

3. Walmart

4. Kohl's

5. iTunes

6. Starbucks

7. Sears

8. Visa

Leave your guesses in the comment section and the winner will receive the handmade burlap bag that we made last fall. The contest is open to international readers and family as well so give it your best shot.

The winner will be announced in a few weeks!

Happy Guessing!

Friday, January 21, 2011

Let's Have A Contest

In honor of the blog's 500th post which is rapidly approaching, I've decided it's time to have another CONTEST!

I thought about it for a few days and came up with something that I hope is a bit challenging and fun: It's a game about gift cards.

I also had to come up with the perfect prize and I could think of nothing better than one of the recycled burlap totes that Mom and I made last Fall.

Okay, here are the details:

For Christmas this past year, I received five (5) gift cards for various places and things. The cards can be used in person and online. You could walk into any store that has a gift card section and buy these same five gift cards. It's not something obscure like Modene's Beauty and Bait Shop.

You're challenge, if you choose to accept it is to guess where the gift cards are from. I am going to list ten (10) places that utilize gift cards and you have to choose the correct five (5). Simple enough!

1. Amazon

2. EBay

3. Walmart

4. Longhorn

5. iTunes

6. Home Depot

7. Sears

8. Visa

9. Starbucks

10. Kohl's

Pick the five that you think I received this year and leave it in the comments section. The winner will get the burlap tote pictured above. If there are multiple correct guesses then we'll draw the winner out of a hat.

The winner will be announced on the 500th post which is about two weeks away. Guess as many times as you want.

I'm going to give you a hint to get you started. One card I received is from a new store that opened in my town that I wrote about back in the summer. Be sure and check in regularly because you never know when I'll be dropping a hint.

Have fun and good luck!

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Hey Ya'll! Guess Where We're Going?

Mom called me up a few months ago wanting to know when we were going to have another adventure. Being as how the economy is still slower than slow, the Thanksgiving holiday, Christmas, New Years and trying to plan something around her Zumba and Belly dancing classes, we either haven't had the money or the time to get anything planned.

Until now.

A few weeks ago I received a flyer from one of the casinos that I used to go to back when I had a disposable income. I must have forged a very special relationship with them because they are the only folks that I ever receive any mail from. It's all addressed specifically to me and they always says how much they've missed me. When was the last time anyone sent you a letter that said that?

Anyhow, the casino, which is Harrah's Cherokee located in Cherokee, NC, has been undergoing a major facelift. New hotel towers. New parking garages. New, totally huge auditorium with seating for 3000. And, seemingly the best of all, according to them, a new restaurant designed by the Queen of Southern Cuisine and whose favorite food is butter, Miss Paula Deen. Hey Ya'll!

The flyer said the Grand Opening of the restaurant will be January 22, 2011, and Paula will be there to do a show and presentation and will officially open the eatery which supposedly resembles her home down in Savannah. I was so excited that I was drooling all over the flyer. Have you ever had Paula's macaroni and cheese? DDDDDDrrrrrrrooooooooooooolllllll. (In my best Homer J Simpson voice.)

Mom loves, loves, loves Paula Deen.

Did I mention that Mom loves Paula Deen? I wonder if she would like to go? Wouldn't it be a nice surprise if we went away for the weekend and Mom got to see Paula and I got to eat her macaroni and cheese? Do you think it will snow again? Cherokee is located in the Smokey Mountains, you know? Valentine's Day is coming up, too!

Okay! I just talked myself into it. I got the tickets and am going to surprise mom with them. Her computer got eaten by a virus so she hasn't been reading the blog lately. The Geek Squad isn't coming until next week. Brother and Sister won't say a word.

NO family members are to call mom until next week. It's a surprise, people!

So anyway, that's what I'll be doing this weekend. Losing money, eating mac and cheese and laughing with mom.

Wish you were here!

Best dishes!

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Monday, January 17, 2011

Winter's Icy Grip

The house sits quiet,
stunned into silence.
Whiteness, shone forth like a blinding ray.
Rareness, for a Southern day.

The coldness doth come.
On occasions so rare
Never lingering
Gone into thin air

Beautiful to some, the perfect colored balls
Frozen in time

Where is the warmth,
Where is the breeze
It's pretty, we know
But we're beginning to freeze

Southern snowfall, unusual to see
Unusual still, to stay past day three
Ol' man winter, please take a trip
Loosen, your hold, and release your icy grip.

Friday, January 14, 2011

More Words To Live By

This is another forwarded email that I received. It has some good information and I have added a few of my own. Feel free to list your own words to live by!

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Brother's Birthday...Year III

Now, it's time for another birthday. My big brother is celebrating his birthday today. His nickname is Boy, sometimes called Big Boy.

Boy is a fan of WW II and can give you all the information ever needed if you are building a house since he has a background in construction.

He taught me how to play football, throw a baseball for a perfect strike (complete with a full wind up) and how to play chess.

He also taught me how to chew tobacco, scratch my butt, cuss a blue streak, burp the alphabet, throw cow patties, use the tractor and manure spreader to drive to town for hot dogs and Sour Cream Doritos when Mom and Dad were working, castrate a hog and spit and catch loogies.

Most of these tricks I have since out grown! (Most)

However, it is good knowledge to have. You never know when you might need to do some castrating.

So here's to you! Happy Birthday!

Monday, January 10, 2011

Snow Day Adventures

Old Glory waving in the snow.

Christmas decorations yet to be put away.

Birds are all snowed in.

Holly bush and berries straining under the weight of the snow.

Old barn.

Another shot of the barn.
Wind chime.

Hard at work!
Stove pipe fell down from the falling snow from the roof.
Where it used to be attached to the house.
Just missed Friend's truck.

How the new cat spent the day!

I think I'll hang out with the new cat tomorrow; he had the best day of all!

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Birthday Wishes...Year III

Today is my sister's birthday. In case anyone wants to know, her nickname is Big Red. Yep, she's got red hair and a fierceness to go along with it.

She resides in the frigid north where it snows all the time. Yuck!

I won't tell you how old she is (39) because that wouldn't be sisterly. She is older than me though.

Happy Birthday Sister! May you have many more and continue to do things that make me laugh.


P.S. Your present is still on my counter waiting to be mailed.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Are Wii Ready To Play...Part II

...So anyway, I'm not quite sure how it happened. Either I saved a whole bunch of money this year buying my gifts at the flea market and yard sales or returned all of the clothing that I had supposedly grown back into and was no where close to fitting me yet (Sorry, Mom and Sister) that I am now the proud owner of my very own Wii gaming system.

Of course, I couldn't figure out how to set it up; I had to call Friend over to do that. I was somewhat helpful; I did get to clean under the television stand and hold the flashlight.

The first thing I noticed about the controller was that there was only two or three buttons that had to be mashed. And most games that I have played so far you just have to swing your arm in the direction you want the ball/object to go.

Talk about easy.

Talk about realistic.

I'm so hooked on the bowling game that I threw my back out and had to spend two days on the heating pad with my feet propped up.

Personally, I think the damn thing is too realistic. Do you know why? I'm left-handed and I have a hook on my ball that even Earl Weaver would be proud of. So much so that when I do venture out to a bowling alley I bowl right-handed.

One can only stand so many gutter balls.

Would you believe the Wii copies my hook? Exactly. The ball starts on the left side of the lane and by the time it reaches the pins has crossed to the right side and rolls into the gutter.


After time.

After time.

I guess once my back gets better, I'll switch to something else. Maybe something that won't result in bodily injury or bedrest.

Golf, anyone?

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Are Wii Ready To Play...Part I


I've always liked arcade games. At least I used to until they put so many different buttons and knobs that you have to push simultaneously, or singularly, or randomly, or intermittently or whatever while constantly pumping quarters or tokens into the slot.

Back in the day, or the mid 80s, games like Galaga, Centipede, Pacman, Qubert, Space Invaders, and my favorite, Tempest, had basically one or two movements: A left-right (controller) motion with one hand and an up-down (trigger)with the other. Quite simple, yes, but I bet there are a lot of folks out there that can remember how sore their wrists became and developed a callus or two from spending hours playing those crazy games.

My neighbors, the Alexander's, had an Atari system and we spent many sleepless nights during sleepovers playing Pitfall, Frogger and Asteroids. I loved spending the night there.

As I've blossomed into middle age I have tried to keep up with the gaming industry. (Without much luck) I have a Nintendo 64 gathering dust in a closet somewhere. I have the newer Atari gaming system that came out a few years ago stuck underneath the guest room bed.

I just had to have the Xbox when it came out a few years ago and I don't even know where it is at the moment. To me, there was just too many buttons to push, and even though the vibrating controller was exciting, I was so unskilled at the games and I got tired of playing at the same level, that I chucked it somewhere.

Lately, all of the attention seems to be about the Wii. The what? I know, when I first heard about it, I was like what's a Wii? And the first commercials didn't help either. Two Asian men showing up in folks' living rooms with outer space looking gadgets. What are we? The Jetsons?


Saturday, January 1, 2011

Happy New Year

Happy New Year

Happy New Year from all of us at Reflections On A Middle-Aged Fat Woman!

We hope you have a safe and prosperous year!

Do something kind for your self and others and take the time to have a laugh!




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