Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Here's The Story

Here's the story of a middle aged fat lady

who was busy blogging her life away.

There were seens from the porch

Seens from the recliner

Seens from the new porch.

Trips wrongly made to the men's room.

Yet she was all alone.

Until one day the MA Fat Lady

saw her doctor

and was advised to get back to her presmoking weight.

It's been three years she said

no longer an excuse

But, I'm the MA Fat Woman, I said.

I don't care, become the MA Not So Fat Woman

So, there you have it. It kind of makes sense if you read the words like you would sing the Brady Bunch theme.

The dreaded D word!


I'd rather have diarrhea than be on a diet. And don't tell me it's for my own health, or it will make me feel better. Don't call me Fatty or Fatass! I poke enough fun at my own self. I already know all of that.

Now, anyone got a light?

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Another Mother, Daughter Conversation

The following conversation took place on a recent morning when Mom called me at home in a panic. It's 28 miles to my mom's house...

Me: Hello?

Mom: Emergency! I gotta emergency. I need you to come right away and carry Brother to his eye surgery. I locked the keys in the car.

Me: But, Mom? It's gonna take me at least 30 minutes to get there if I run out the door right now and then another 45 minutes to cross over the mountain.

Mom: You can make it. You know you drive that Mustang like someone is chasing you all the time. Can you come right now?

Me: I haven't even had a shower yet. Why don't you call that guy up the road? He can be there in 15 minutes.

Mom: I need you to come now. Can't you come as you are?

Me: Okay!

Mom: Hurry! He's gotta be there by 12:30. Click! (It was 11:15 at that point)

Now, there was no way in hell that I was walking out the door the way I was dressed. My hair was sweaty and matted and my legs were green. I had on mismatched socks, an old bleached out T-shirt, no bra, cut off sweats and combat boots. I'd been weed eating and had only come inside because I needed a drink.

I took the fastest shower imaginable and was out the door in 8 minutes. Record time! I took the backway to Mom's house, doing 70 in a 45 mph zone the whole way. I got stuck at a traffic light about 3 miles from her house when my cell rang.

Me: Hello?

Mom: Never mind. I got it unlocked, where are you?

Me: I'm near the Dairy Queen.

Mom: Well, never mind. I don't need you now. At least you didn't have to come the whole way...

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Be Very Very Afraid

The cat outside guarding the porch.

At least he isn't asleep drooling all over everything like he normally does.

The next time you're in my neck of the woods watch out for my attack cat, he's vicious.

Friday, September 25, 2009

More Mother, Daughter Conversations

Mom and I have been speaking a little more than once a week on the phone. I'm not sure why we bother. The following is how the conversation usually takes place after I call her:

Mom: Hello?

Me: Hey


...more silence...

...followed by still more silence...

Me: Hello?

Mom: What?

Me: Aren't you gonna say anything?

Mom: I said hello! You're the one that called me, aren't you? I'm just waiting on you to tell me why you called...

...see what I mean.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Seens From The Salad Bar

I've been really busy lately and hadn't seen much of Mom so I was tickled when she called and wanted to know if I wanted to take her out to eat. She had a 2-for-1 coupon on select dishes at Ruby Tuesday and if we both drank water we should be able to keep the tab under 20 bucks.

I met her at the restaurant and it seemed like everyone wanted to use their coupon that night--the place was packed. As we were waiting to be seated I noticed a woman behind us that was totally perturbed that she was having to wait. She was fussing about the line, she was fussing about the wait time, she was fussing because she had to wait outside, she was fussing because she didn't have a 2-for-1 coupon.

We were seated after a short wait and we were both glad to be away from that lady. She was trying to ruin our dinner. Mom, who was in charge of the coupon kept waving it around like it was a 1000 dollar bill or something. I told her to drop it but she said she didn't want to forget about it. The waitress took our drink orders, she ordered a sweet tea and I got a Diet Coke. (We forgot to get water)

I needed to excuse myself for a moment and passed the grumpy lady being led to her table as I was walking to the ladies room. I muttered to myself that I hoped that lady didn't end up sitting beside us.

Upon returning to my seat I wasn't too surprised to see the old windbag at the table right beside me and her chair was also right beside mine. Mom was grinning like she had just hit the jackpot at one of her weekly Bingo contests and had grabbed the coupon and started waving it around again. I struggled to get into my seat without bumping her because she had her chair pushed all the way back. I bumped her anyway which set her off about how close the tables were. We had just settled down when the server had taken our orders and said we could go help ourselves at the salad bar.

I went to the salad bar first and left Mom and her coupon guarding the purses. Several people were ahead of me and I waited patiently for my turn. I loaded my plate up with my usual combo which is lettuce, cheese, ham, if available, one small grape tomato, croutons, and ranch dressing. The line was moving smoothly until the lady in front of me said "Uh, oh, they're out of ranch dressing."

Uh, oh is right. "We'll wait," I said. I WAS NOT going back to my table without my ranch dressing. We snagged an employee that was walking by and informed her of the situation. As the moments lagged on and the backup at the salad bar continued to grow I could hear a familiar voice at the end of the line. Bitching, complaining, griping, she was wearing the whole restaurant out. What's the holdup? Why isn't the line moving? What's that big girl (me) up there doing? Why isn't she leaving the salad bar? Did she eat all the food?

Now, I'm not immune to such comments and I had just about had my fill of this woman. They filled the ranch dressing container up and I got mine and headed back to the table. The lady had turned around just as I was about to make a scene. Somebody needed to shut her up.

I was seated enjoying my salad and ranch dressing when she came back to her table. Of course, she bumped me as she sat down and that caused her to look my way. Her brows lifted in recognition and she asked what the holdup was at the salad bar.

"They were out of ranch dressing," I replied.

"Well, good heavens! It goes to figure they would run out as short staffed as these places are, they charge you an arm and a leg for a little bitty plate of food. And don't get me started on what they charge for a drink. Honey, you did the right thing by waiting up there even though you held up the line. Well, I better get to eating now, enjoy your meal."

Too late!

Friday, September 18, 2009

Leaving On A Jet Plane

I was saddened to hear about the passing of folk singer Mary Travers. At first, when I read about it on my homepage I didn't connect who this person was. Then I heard on the nightly news that it was Mary from Peter, Paul and Mary.


How sad.

I loved to hear this trio sing. At some point in my life I have warbled along to Puff The Magic Dragon, This Land is Your Land, Lemon Tree, If I had a Hammer, Blowin' in the Wind, and my favorite, Leaving on a Jet Plane. My sister, Big Red, and myself loved to harmonize right along with them as they sang.

I have the group's Greatest Hits compilation which has all of the good songs in one place.

I have it as an album.

I have it as an eight track.

I have it on cassette.

I have it on CD.

I have downloaded it from ITunes.

I have it on my Ipod.

Her voice was genuine and real. I liked it because I could understand what she and the whole group was saying. I like to sing along.

Mary, you will be missed.

Rest in peace.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Another Birthday

Birthday wishes go out to Kathie!

May you enjoy your time at the beach with no worries, no children, and no hurricanes.

Happy Birthday!

Monday, September 14, 2009

MTV Video Awards

Am I getting old?

Music Television or MTV used to be something that I watched for hours. Back in the 80s when it came out we hadn't seen anything like it before. If you wanted to see your favorite artists perform you had to watch Johnny Carson or go see them in person. And my family certainly couldn't afford that.

But with the advent of MTV you could see Madonna, Prince, or my favorite, Michael Jackson, up close and personal. I would watch those videos for days.

I had known that Janet Jackson was going to perform a tribute to her brother to open the show so I decided to tune in. Honestly, I don't know why MTV is having an awards show anyway I haven't seen a video on there in about 10 years. They just have a bunch of quasi reality shows and they've even run out of cities to host the Real World. They even canceled Total Request Live. (TRL)

Janet didn't even open the show, Madonna did with a monologue about Michael being a person and all and everybody should have left him alone. I love Madge, but let's face it, she's in her 50s. She's middle aged just like me. I saw her in concert last year and was expecting cone bras and corsets and got classical guitars and Don't Cry For Me Argentina...Yuck!

I try to remain relevant with my knowledge of new music. I do subscribe to Rolling Stone and they will list the latest and the greatest artists that are releasing a single or ring tone on ITunes. I don't see myself jumping headfirst into a mosh pit anytime soon and the music nowadays just makes me want to shake my head, not bang my head...

...I guess I am getting old, but I still want my MTV.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

What Are The Odds Of That

Did you hear about the baby that was born on 09/09/09? He was born at 9:09 and weighed 9 lbs and 9 ozs.

What are the odds of that?

Do you think 9 will be his lucky number?

I tried to figure out the probability of all of those nines coming together at one time...but then I remembered that I failed Statistics in college...twice! No help there.

I tried to Google it but I couldn't really figure out the question and ended up on some raunchy web site advertising 9 inch prosthetic devices.

If there are any mathematically inclined folks out there or if you know someone that is ask them about the nines. I'm sure someone knows the answer...

Friday, September 11, 2009

A Silent Reminder

In memory of those who lost their lives on that tragic day and for the family and friends that continue to grieve for you, I silence my laughter on this day and fill my heart and soul instead with the prayers and songs of those who remember.

You will never be forgotten and we will never forget.

God Bless America.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Multi Meat Vegetable Soup

I'm hooked on something!

I like to try new recipes out. They aren't really recipes but more along the lines of concoctions that I dream up.

Usually, I'll find something that I like and make it so many times I'll get sick of it before to long. This hasn't happened so far, so, I thought I'd share the ingredients with you.

For lack of a better title, Multi Meat Vegetable Soup was the best that I could come up with. However, I am open to suggestions if you have a better name.

The first ingredient is a leftover meat of some kind. I have used turkey, chicken, pork, and beef so far. Just whatever you have left from a whole chicken, pork loin or even pot roast. I like to buy one of those rotisserie chickens from Krogritz and then use the remains for the soup, but you can use whatever you like.

Leftover meat goes in a 5 quart stock pot and then add the following items:

28oz can of tomato sauce
15oz can of green peas, drained
15oz can of diced potatoes, drained
15oz can of corn, drained
15oz can of wax beans, drained
15oz can of beef broth or bouillon
15oz can of chicken broth or bouillon
15oz can of pinto or mixed beans
half stick of butter or margarine

To get the second meat I have used canned beef, chicken, or pork. Let it simmer for awhile and it tastes pretty good.

The seasonings are what gives the soup a particular flavor. The taste will vary each time depending on what you have in the refrigerator and spice cabinet. My main seasonings used are:

meat tenderizer
garlic salt
Molly McButter
Mrs. Dash
worcestershire sauce
hot sauce

I give about 5 shakes of each container.

The other seasonings can be steak sauce, barbecue sauce, soy sauce, even mustard. From the spice cabinet you can grab thyme, basil, oregano, whatever you like and suitable to your tastes. Sometimes, I add everything into the pot just to see how it turns out. It's up to you!

Give all the ingredients a stir and let simmer for about 30 minutes.

The mix of vegetables gives the soup a nice slimy stuff. You'll notice no cabbage, onions, celery or carrots and there's a reason for that: I don't like them!

I serve the soup topped with Parmesan cheese, extra pepper, and garlic breadcrumbs, tortilla strips, or wontons!

Give it a try and let me know how it turns out!

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Seens At The Funeral Home

My neighbor died the other day. I can't really say anything about her because I didn't know her. We were neighbors for fifteen years (she was the wife of the banker that lived on the other side of me)and I had never been in their house. Sometimes, we would exchange waves if we saw each other out back or I might glimpse her at the mailbox as I drove past. I know she fed the stray cats that seemed to multiply like crazy every few months.

I saw her husband more often. He had a real nice riding lawn mower (Cub Cadet) and I couldn't help but watch him as he mowed. I have a thing about riding lawn mowers. He's come over to the house once or twice to offer assistance when I was trying to get out of the driveway after an ice storm. He thought I was nuts trying to drive 30 miles to work on a sheet of ice. But, you know the old post office motto: Neither through sleet, snow or blah, blah, blah shall deter us from our duty and I always arrived in one piece.

When I heard the news of her passing several thoughts passed through my mind. First, I was sorry for the family, and second, I was glad it wasn't someone in my family. Then I wondered if I should go to visitation, send flowers, or take over food. I'm not sure if I would even be recognized in dress clothes or not...not that it mattered.

After sleeping on it I decided I would go to the visitation. It seemed like the neighborly thing to do. When I pulled up to the facility for visitation I noticed my neighbor's name on the marquee. You see, when you utilize this particular funeral home they put your name up in lights outside on a large sign. I used to think this was strange but I've driven passed several times and wondered who they had and all I had to do was look at the sign.

I was a little apprehensive as I walked up the steps. What do I say? What if I say the wrong thing? What if everyone wonders who I am? What if everyone knows who I am and wonders why I came? Why didn't I just send some flowers? Maybe I shouldn't have worn pants? Does my hair look okay? Will I know anyone? I hope I don't know anybody. I'll just sign the book and leave.

I walked into Chapel D and immediately saw my neighbor. He was wearing a dark suit and was seated on a stool beside his wife's coffin. He looked beaten and haggard, had dark circles under his eyes and glanced at me with a look of surprise.

I was behind a lady who obviously was a family friend. I listened as they traded small talk about how long it had been since they had seen one another. How what a nice lady she was. How she loved crossword puzzles and loved to bake. He had tried to get her to go places at times but she always seemed content at home. She had a relatively new car and had only put 2500 miles on it in the last 3 years. She went to the Piggly Wiggly every Sunday after church and bought the week's groceries.

As the lady drifted away it was my turn to offer my condolences. He thanked me several times for coming and I commented on who was now going to feed the cats. He gave a small chuckle and said he didn't know but he had fed them this morning. My neighbor said his wife loved feeding those cats even though they were strays. It gave her great joy.

I had learned more about that nice lady in the last five minutes than I had known for the previous 15 years. Don't worry about your strays friend, I'll make sure they get fed. After all, it's the neighborly thing to do...

Friday, September 4, 2009


I'm taking the weekend off for Labor Day. I'll be back next week!

Be safe!

MA Fat Woman

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Having Some Work Done

The blog and I are getting Botox and having some other work done. We'll be back soon with a new and improved look!

BTW, I'm now on Twitter! So, click that link near the upper right hand corner and sign on up to be a follower. I'm sure I'll be addicted to it soon.

Got Kindle? You can now subscribe to Reflections on a Middle Aged Fat Woman. Not sure what Kindle is? It's a thin wireless reading device that works through Amazon that allows you to purchase books, blogs and other content that download onto your device. It's pretty cool. So, click on the link in the upper right hand corner and subscribe today!

MA Fat Woman


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