Random Conversations

The Seen- The parking lot of a grocery store in a small southern town on a mid February sunny day. Me: "Nice weather we're having today?" Elderly Lady Sitting in Car: "Boy, it sure is. I'm jest sitting here recovering. I had all my theeth pulled out." Me: "Excuse me?" Elderly Lady in Car: "I got bad theeth and had have to those things pulled right outta my mouth. Hurt me so bad, that I started screaming for my 'ate dead 'usband to come git me." Me: "Did you get any pain medicines?" Elderly lady: "Nahh, 'entist said that I 'ad brittle bones and it might cause me to slip and fall and break a 'ip. Don't wanna do that. You been to the doctor lately?" Me: "Well, acutally, I just spent three hours there today." Elderly lady: "Oh, you poor chil'. It 'ust pains me to see you young folks 'aving so many problems. Ouch, that 'urt--wind must've got in there. Well, 'ere comes my dauther, we're going to someplace where they supposed to fit me for some 'alse theeth. 'ope you 'eel better. Bye, Bye!

A Trip To The Mall

I had several undercover assignments this week that necessitated me visiting one of the largest malls in Georgia and I asked Mom if she wanted to tag along. There was an extended silence on the phone as she shuffled through the pages of her day planner trying to see if she could work me in. (I'm the one who is supposed to have a full day planner, not my mom.) "I guess I'm available Friday. But, we need to get back early--I got something going on Friday night," she said. Mom had gotten me one of those GPS gadgets for Christmas and she was convinced that I wasn't using it. I tried to explain to her that I really didn't need to use it when I am just walking around the house. Hmmphh-I knew where the fridge was. Anyhow, we had decided to take it along with us and Mom was oohing and aahing over the silky smooth voice that told me to make a left turn and head in the opposite direction of where we were going. The voice and I didn't quite agree on the correct way to our destination. I told Mom to turn it off because it kept yelling at me to make a U-turn when possible. We drove for the next thirty minutes and then it was time to turn back on the voice. It wouldn't work. It kept telling me to make a left turn, make a left turn! The GPS voice by this time was practically a high-pitched squeal "WILL YOU MAKE A LEFT TURN, FOR PETE'S SAKE!" "I don't like this thing," said Mom. "Me neither," I replied. With that we unplugged the screaming banshee, banished her to the back seat and stopped and ask for directions. Later that night after I dropped Mom off at her Friday night soiree' I fished the GPS from the back seat thinking I was going to figure out why it had stopped working. It wasn't hard to figure out. It seems that when we had turned it off, we had turned it to the Reset mode, not the Off position. It had lost all of its programming.

A Growing Trend

You'll have to excuse me for a second, but, I'm a bit confused about something. I thought taxes were supposed to be paid. How many people are in the President's Cabinet? How many are being investigated for tax problems? Do you think because they are public officials that they think they can get away with it? Tax fraud, tax evasion, tax liens, back taxes--these are now the words that the American public is being subjected to; instead of, yes, we can. It's a growing trend, and I don't like it. Do you?

Discarded

I like to keep things. Too many things, actually. I'm not really a pack rat like you've seen on TV. Most of the stuff is in boxes and labeled properly. I don't have pathways in my house that lead to other piles of stuff, junk, and more crap. I don't keep the Styrofoam containers that are used to hold meats purchased at the grocery store. (If you do that, well, you might need to rethink why it is specifically that you do that.) I like to keep......cards. Yep, I'm a sucker for a Hallmark moment. I like all kinds of greetings, especially American. It's been said that the best way to somebody's heart is through their stomach--that's true, the MA Fat Woman does like a good pan of homemade macaroni and cheese. But, if somebody thinks enough of me to peruse the aisles searching for just the right card, I'm going to keep that card, probably forever. So, therein lies the problem. During my days working the counter at the post office I met a lot of folks and had lots of conversations. One such conversation stuck out in my mind as I contemplated my growing number of used greeting cards. A customer had mentioned donating used greeting cards, so, I did some research. St. Jude's Ranch for Children has a 40 year history of healing and caring for abused, abandoned and neglected children. St. Judes provides healing and nurturing in a safe home-like environment where children can learn life skills to start new lives with new chances, new choices and new hope. Of course, they take monetary donations, but they also take donations of used greeting cards. The used cards will have the backs of the cards (normally, where all of the mushy and handwritten stuff is located) removed and replaced with a new and recycled backing. The new cards are then offered for sale to the public at a reasonable price. What a great way to get rid of some stuff, help the environment and help out abused children. I am including St. Judes link http://www.stjudesranch.org/help_card.php so you can get their address and all of the particulars. Please hurry, because they are only accepting donations of used cards until February 28, 2009 for this year. BTW, this is my 150th post! If you'd like to send me a card for any reason just shoot me an email and I'll send you my virtual address.

Super Bowl Predictions

I'm having a Super Bowl party......for myself. I was going to invite the only friend left that still talks to me but I can't remember her phone number and I don't have her email. Besides, she would rather watch reruns of House or NCIS instead of watching the Big Game. Mom told me that I could come up to her house (and bring some snacks) and watch HGTV or the Food Network during the game if I wanted too. I think I'll stay home. I took the time this week to knit the cat an Arizona Cardinals sweater because it has been such a long time since they played in the Championship game. By doing so, I broke all of the rules in the MA Fat Woman's house: The only teams that we're allowed to root for are the ones from Cincinnati. Who dey! Who dey! Who dey think gonna beat those Bengals. Well, everybody, actually! I'm not even going to mention the other team that is playing because they regularly beat up on my beloved Bengals. So, enjoy the commercials, have a few beers. Don't flush at halftime because you might cause the oceans to dry up. Pray for no wardrobe malfunctions and don't double dip! My prediction: Arizona Cardinals 35 Other team 17 Enjoy the game.

Having A Contest

As we sat back from the table each of us reaching to unbuckle our pants after gorging ourselves in honor of my late father's birthday Mom looked over at me and said "I can't breathe. I ate too much, again. Let's go to Walmart". Now this was unusual because Mom hates Walmart. "Why do you want to go to Walmart"? "I want to get a new bathroom scale", she said. "Why"? "I want to lose some weight. And I am going to give you my old scale because you need to lose some weight too". "But Mom, I'm the MA Fat Woman, I'm supposed to be fat", I replied. "Now, don't you get smart with me young lady. You're not too old for me to snatch you up by the hair on your head. Besides, you told your doctor that you would work on becoming the MA Less Fat Woman. How's that coming along"? "Uh..." "Just what I thought. Here's what we're going to do: We need to start out slow and let's see if we can lose 10 pounds. We need to make it interesting and we have to stay motivated. In order to keep us motivated, I have thought long and hard about something that we could do to help us lose those ten pounds quickly. We're not going to shave our legs until each of us has lost ten pounds". "What"? "You heard me the first time. I didn't stutter. What's the difference anyway? You aren't wearing shorts out in public. And don't you always get that winter time itch from dry skin on your legs"? "But, Mom, I thought you said that when you get to be your age the hair on your legs stops growing". "Nuts! That's what we're doing. Come on, let's go get the scale. I need to go walk off some of that T-bone we just ate". So, that's how I have found myself in a contest with my mother. Neither of us is allowed to shave our legs until we've both lost 10 pounds. I'll keep you posted.

A Very Special Tribute

Today would have been my Dad’s 74th birthday. Dad liked nothing better than having a steak for his birthday. Mom likes a Ribeye, but not Dad, he liked a T-Bone, the bigger the better. In recent years, the local steakhouse closed down, reopened, closed again, reopened as a church, closed again and has now reopened as a Mexican restaurant. Confused? Me too! So, in keeping with the family tradition, we’re going out for T-bones at the new Longhorn that has opened near where the old steakhouse once stood. I’m sad you can’t be with us but we know you’ll be watching. I don’t know if you ever got to eat at Longhorn or not but I hear they cook a really mean steak. We miss you. Gopher