New Signs Of The Apocalypse

Sports Illustrated features a weekly feature entitled Signs of the Apocalypse where unusual happenings in the sports world will merit a one or two sentence mention on topics ranging from hoodwinked hoodlums in Ireland to men's figure skaters bitch-slapping a NFL lineman because his parking place got taken. This morning when I turned on the television to catch up on the news from overnight every channel I turned to was showing breaking news: Tiger to break his silence. Watch the LIVE broadcast in just a few minutes. Every channel. Do we really care that much that the all time greatest golfer in the world couldn't keep his putter in his pants? The pundits and talking heads across all the networks were all in a dither as to whether his wife, Elin, would be there to stand beside him. Had he had plastic surgery to repair the damage caused by the nine-iron when she had allegedly went upside his head with it on Thanksgiving night? OOOOOhhhhh, I'm just shivering and shaking with anticipation as to what he is going to say. Is he going to admit to all of the affairs? Is he going to give details? Are they staying together or getting a divorce? Is he coming back to play golf at the Master's Tournament in April? Is he really a sex addict? Is that even a real condition? Will his sponsors believe him? Will they be happy with what he says? What does his mom think about all of this? What would his dad say? Will this situation help him to become a better man? Will he gain a new respect for the game of golf and its fabled history? All of those questions and many more are what warranted this extensive news coverage. Are you kidding me? I'll ask again. Are you kidding me? I can understand the sports networks covering this, but CNN, HLN, the Fox Business Channel, I thought I even heard QVC throw a shout out about it. Aren't there starving people somewhere we need to know about? Aren't the people in Haiti living in tent cities? Aren't we fighting a war on two fronts? Weren't we having a health-care debate, recently? Don't you wonder what Conan has been doing since he got the boot? Do you wonder if Congress will ever get anything accomplished? Wait! You had almost forgotten about those other issues, hadn't you? Almost. For me, all it took was a thirty second flip through the channels to bring my reality back into focus. And my focus isn't on Tiger, neither should yours.

Caption These Contest

I'm having a contest. You can caption one, two, or all and the winner will receive a 2010 Cat Calendar. I'll pick the winner on Saturday! Caption These!

Skunky Valentines

I was looking through Valentine's Day cards the other day trying to find just the perfect ones to give to family and friends when I became totally disgusted at how expensive they were--five bucks for a card--I don't think so. Anyhow, being the somewhat intelligent and extremely clever person that I am, I remembered getting valentines when I was in school for everyone in my class and they all came in one box. Voila! What a great idea! They each came with their own envelope and were generally large enough to be sent through the mail. The sayings might be seen as childish, but others might think they were cute and I could always insert a heartfelt hand written note inside. Plus, there were usually thirty cards in a box and they came relatively cheap. It sounded like a good idea... ...but? ...but? I didn't know it would be so damn hard to find a box of ordinary old-timey valentines. Geesh! Here I was at Wallyworld and the only thing I could find was Hannah Montana, Jonas Brothers and iCarly, and they weren't even regular valentines; they were stickers and activity sets. No, thanks. You can keep them! I left there and went to another store, then another and finally ended up at Dollar General, where I struck gold, or, so I thought. They had boxes of valentines but the cards didn't come with any envelopes. Crap. I reached further down into the display where the cards were and I pulled out the very last box of valentines that had envelops. I was excited that something had finally gone my way, made my purchase and tore into the box of valentines as soon as I got into the car. It wasn't too long before my excitement began to fade as I realized that all of the cards had the same picture on them: A skunk. Have you ever received a skunky valentine? If I remember correctly, the skunk valentine was given to someone that you didn't like and for some reason I received quite a few. What does that mean?. Do my family and friends really want to receive a Valentine's Day card that says "I love you...and...you're a stinker too?" Happy Valentine's Day! ...Stinky!

How You Doin?...Week VI

We're six weeks into the New Year and in my best Joey Tribbiani voice I ask "How you doin"? The weekly feature here at Reflections is to remind you about the resolutions that you made at the beginning of the year, in hopes that you would stick with it. I think I'm doing it more for myself, actually. If I write it down each week, I can hold myself accountable. I started a new 21 day plan this week and instead of doing low-carb eating I am following the Weight Watcher's system. (I'm not paying or going to meetings) It allows me to have a small to moderate amount of white foods (potatoes & bread) that seem to be my weakness. Are you keeping your resolutions? Are you making a lists of things to get accomplished and marking them off upon completion? Are you laughing at least once a day? Are you staying positive? Have you given someone a hug lately? Are you finding happiness and contentment in your everyday activities? Are you sick of hearing about John Edward's alleged sex tape? Are you letting the little things go? Are you being less judgemental? Are you clipping coupons to help you save money? Have you become a follower of the MA Fat Woman through Google Friend Connect? Are you drinking fluids to keep hydrated? Are you getting off the couch any? These are some of the things that I'm working on. Hope you will too! If you have anything to add to the list, please do so. Also, if you would like to be included on my blog roll, please leave your info in the comments section. I hope to have the newly designed Reflections up soon. MA Fat Woman

Southern Snow Seens

Somebody Stole My Winter

I live in the South for a reason: Mild winters. Normally, by this time of year we've had at least a week of 70 degree weather, my Easter Lilies are up in full bloom and I've had to pull a pair of shorts out of storage to wear. Not this year. I heard a report that some sort of weather phenomena was causing winter to actually feel like winter. I don't know if it was El Nina, La Nina, El Camino, or Vinny Del Negro; it's been cloudy, misty, drizzling, and raining the whole year. If the sun does shine for a few hours it's been too cold to be outside. I finally did get my Christmas decorations removed from the front yard--they're sitting on my front porch, but at least they're down. We did get a few flurries of snow and a half inch of ice a few weeks back. Not enough to make a snowman or snow ice cream, but enough for the kids to get out of school for a few days. The forecast is calling for more clouds, rain and possibly a winter mix. Good news though, the ten day outlook said we might reach 50 degrees  and have sunny skies for two consecutive days. Now where'd I put those bermuda shorts...

Billion Is The New Million

As I continue to watch the ever growing deficits in communities, states and the National Government I'm amazed at how common the figure billion is thrown around. Need 200 billion for automobile bailouts? Sure, no problem! How about 670 billion to help the banking industry make those yearly bonus payments? Okay, we can do that too! Can I get 999 billion to fight wars on two fronts? Wars? I didn't know we were at war, it hasn't affected me in my daily life. Well, if you say you need it, here ya go... Can I get a subsidy for health care premiums? My policy costs over 500 bucks a month. Hahehahalololol, you're nuts if you think we can help out everyday Americans, especially a middle-aged fat woman. All of these questions had me asking what exactly a billion dollars equates to; just how much is it? I received the following email forwarded from a friend. Read it and judge for yourself: How many zeros in a billion? This is too true to be funny. The next time you hear a politician use the word 'billion' in a casual manner, think about whether you want the 'politicians' spending YOUR tax money. A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising agency did a good job of putting that figure into some perspective in one of it's releases. A. A billion seconds ago it was 1959. B. A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive. C. A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the Stone Age. D. A billion days ago no-one walked on the earth on two feet. E. A billion dollars ago was only 8 hours and 20 minutes, at the rate our government is spending it. While these thoughts are still fresh in your brains...the new proposed spending spree is being touted in trillions. Yes, trillions! 1,000,000,000,000. That's a lot of zeros...and that's about how much the average American can expect to get.