Gravy, Grits And Sweet Tea--A Southerner's Tale Of Life On The Road

The travelers sat together at the long table and looked quietly at the plates being served. No biscuits. No grits. And no gravy. We all looked at each other; this wasn't something we were accustomed to. Mom asked the one question we all were thinking. "You got any sweet tea?" It was day eight of our trip up the East Coast and our taste buds were starting to show signs of withdrawal. Don't get me wrong, most of the food that we'd eaten was exceptional, save for that one order of belly clams I was encouraged to try on Martha's Vineyard. I like clams; or more accurately, I like clams that have been stripped of their bellies--something I like to call clam strips. The withdrawal I'm speaking of isn't one that every American can understand. Only those living below the sweet tea line know that it's the icy cold and delectably sweet beverage that's a staple in nearly every southern household. We drink our sweet tea for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. We drink it for weddings, funerals, and baptisms. And we really drink it when the hot, southern sun beats down on everything for ten months of the year and fries it all to a crisp. And what's the perfect accompaniment to a glass of sweet tea? A hot, buttered biscuit smothered with gravy and a side of cheese grits. We were now in week two of our withdrawal and the waitress looked at the long faces scattered around the table and replied, "Sorry, our tea is unsweetened, but we have plenty of artificial sweeteners." "I'll just have water," most of us said, while the rest wanted coffee. "Maybe, we'll stop at McDonalds for lunch?" Betty said. "We could get a sweet tea there." "No, Mickey D's today," Christy said. "Our lunch is catered. I'm getting the Chicken Marsala." "I thought today was the pork tenderloin or pasta primavera?" asked Brenda. "What are they saying?" asked Marlena. "G.? What did they say? Were they talking about the grilled salmon? I'm pretty sure I ordered the salmon. I hope they don't put any sauce on it?" "I hope I can have more than one slice of bread," said Mary. "Do they have a wheat shortage in New England or something?" she said with a loud, boisterous laugh. At this remark the whole table erupted in laughter--not only were we short on biscuits, but we were short on bread, too. Every catered meal we'd had so far had only allotted one slice of bread or roll per person. "Well, I guess since they aren't giving us any gravy, they aren't giving us any bread to sop it up with," said Lori. "You're probably, right," I replied. We all settled into our plates, each lost in our own thoughts. A few minutes passed when we heard a voice from the kitchen."Why didn't you tell me they were from the south?" Breakfast was finished and we boarded the bus for a day of sightseeing and sailing around Boothbay Harbor, Maine. The next morning, our last before we started home, we were met at the door of the Cod's Head Fish House & BBQ by Brian, our cook from the previous morning. "I didn't have enough ingredients around to make biscuits, but I did make y'all some grits and gravy. I hope you like it." You could feel the whole group smile as we walked in the door. Grits and gravy! At last! I made my way to the serving line and was surprised when Brian handed me a plate of hash browns out from the kitchen. "Extra crispy and no onions; I try to remember what people like," he said. Who cares about grits, gravy and sweet tea? This guy just made me fried potatoes without asking. AND without onions! "Bless your heart. I could just hug your neck," I said. "My pleasure," he said. "I can't wait to read your book." Now I really did want to hug his neck. Then a voice from somewhere in the back of the line. "Hey, G? Ask him if he has any more toast? Mary wants another slice."

Top Ten Signs You Are Home From Vacation

After a nearly two week vacation up the East Coast I am happy to be home once again. Sort of. I got accustomed to certain things on the road and now that I'm home again, reality has sunk in that I'm no longer on holiday. Here are my top ten signs that I'm definitely home from vacation: 10. No matter how long I stand in the kitchen with a plate in my hand a server is not going to bring me any food. 9. The milk in the fridge did indeed expire before the expiration date. 8. The bills did not pay themselves. 7. The yard is two feet high. 6. I have over 1500 hundred emails in my inbox, of which only two are worth reading. 5. I touched wood at the bottom of my underwear drawer--there ain't nothing else in there. 4. The cats ate the last can of food in the pantry--a can of tuna--because they've been out of food for three days. 3. The litter box changed itself. 2. It's been three days since I laughed so hard that I nearly wet my pants. And the number one reason I can tell I am home from vacation: This is the first thing I've written in two weeks, but stay tuned because I've got a whole lot more to say.

The Magazines Are Overwhelming Me Once Again

****After a summer of doing stuff other than reading my mail and a two-week vacation up the East Coast my stack of magazines has reached a new and higher level of teetering that, as of yet, has yet to tip over but I fear the next one placed on top will be the tipping point.**** Read on to see how it all started: As many of you know, I tend to get real excited about something and then go way overboard with it. Whether it's discovering a new dish that I've eaten somewhere and then tried to replicate at home, over, and over and over again until I am completely sick of it. (The latest flavor of the month was a ham and cheddar potato casserole that I've eaten about six times in the last two weeks. Now, I don't even want to eat a potato, which for me is highly unusual.) Or, it could be reading about an event such as an upcoming 10K road race that I want to train for (Okay, maybe not), but you get the drift. My obsession this time around is magazine subscriptions. It all started a few years ago when my niece sold subscriptions to raise money for her school. I purchased two or three like any good aunt would do and then got trapped. Yep, you know what happens when you get on some company's list: they send you solicitation after solicitation after solicitation and they won't stop. One day, I actually opened (my bad) a letter and read the offer: get two years of Vogue magazine for only $10. What a deal! I've never subscribed to it before, nor have I even looked at one, so why not try it? And that's what I did. Well, that subscription led to more solicitations and now I have a stack of magazines approaching two feet high that I haven't even turned a page in. (I'm sure the publishers love me and I'm definitely sure the mailman doesn't.) Anyhow, everything wasn't too bad until I got my Publisher's Clearing House official entry. I'm sure I read somewhere that a purchase isn't necessary to win but I also think I read somewhere else that making a purchase (buying magazines) might definitely help. And talk about deals: 2-for-1 deals, multi-year deals, buy a product and get a lifetime subscription. Man, my eyes had glazed over before I stopped pasting those little stickers to the official entry form--I don't know which magazines I selected, but I'm sure it was 4 or 5. A few weeks later I received an invoice from Publisher's Clearing House and Vanity Fair on the same day. The bill from Publisher's was for $75-something and the Vanity Fair was for $16-something. Hmm. Am I being double-billed? Of course, I didn't write down the magazines that I bought from Publisher's Clearing House and I don't remember anything about Vanity Fair but that doesn't mean that I didn't. (My memory seems to be lost somewhere in the past these days.) The invoice had an 800-number to call for any questions and after multiple prompts for passwords, credit card info, my shoe-size and my high school mascot's name I found myself talking to a live person. I'm sure Publisher's Clearing House receives all sorts of weirdo and wacky phone calls and mine turned out to be no exception: Publisher's Clearing House (PCH): "Hello, this is Ambrosia. How may I help you?" MAFW: "Hey, I have a question about an invoice I received?" PCH: "Okay, not a problem. Do you have the customer order number?" MAFW: "Yes, it's 24567palm5671985." PCH: "Could you repeat that, please? I'm showing one letter missing." MAFW: "Uh, okay. it's 24567palme5671985." PCH: "Okay, got it. Can you give me the last four digits of your credit card for verification?" MAFW: "Hold on. I gotta go get it." PCH: "That's fine, I'll wait." MAFW: "It's 2837." PCH: "Okay, got it. Now, could you please tell me your high school mascot for verification?" MAFW: "Sure, it was a Green Devil." PCH: "I'm sorry. That's not the information you entered onto your form for security purposes. Could it be something else?" MAFW: "Hmm, not a Green Devil? Okay, try a Devilish Darling? And my shoe size is 10." PCH: "Okay, that got it. I didn't need the shoe size, though." (No sense of humor.) "What can I help you with today?" MAFW: "I received an invoice from you guys and I also received a bill from Vanity Fair. Am I being double-billed?" PCH: "I'm sorry. I don't understand the question." MAFW: "Why did you guys send me two separate bills? I thought I was supposed to pay directly to PCH and not worry about any other invoices." PCH: "Ma'am, according to my records we only sent you one invoice and I don't know anything about the other bill?" MAFW: "Uh, why not?" PCH: "Why not, what?" MAFW: "Why don't you know about the Vanity Fair bill?" PCH: "Ma'am, Publisher's Clearing House doesn't offer that magazine." MAFW: "Oh!" PCH: "Anything else I can help you with? If not, thanks and I hope you win the million dollars!" Me too, because at the rate I'm going, I'm gonna need a million bucks to pay for all of these magazines and a million hours to read them.

Lost In Translation

I popped into the post office the other day to mail off a few packages and got behind a Hispanic couple that wanted to rent a post office box. This is the following conversation that took place: Clerk: "Hi, may I help you?" Hispanic male: "Ola'! We want rent box?" Clerk:" I'm sorry. You want to send a box?" Hisp male: "Si. We want to box." Clerk in a slightly louder voice: "I'm sorry. Where do you want to send the box? Do you have the box packaged already?" With that, the slightly confused couple looked at each other, grinned widely and the female said, "Box." The clerk, obviously already having a bad day said in a still LOUDER voice: "Where do you want to send the box?" Couple:" Si." (smiling and nodding their heads) Clerk absolutely screaming at this point: "WHERE DO YOU WANT TO SEND THE BOX? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME? WHERE IS THE BOX GOING?" Hisp male: "Ooooh. Here." (And with that he handed over the P.O. box rental application.) The clerk now understood that he didn't want to send a box, he wanted to rent a box and walked away in a snit to get the process started. The couple began having a conversation in Spanish and I didn't understand any of what they were saying until the man turned around and caught my eye. He looked at me thoughtfully for a second and said, "Why was that lady yelling at me? I no hard of hearing? I just want box." I just shrugged my shoulders because I have been guilty of that, too. Has that ever happened to you? Have you tried to communicate with someone that speaks another language and found yourself almost yelling at them because they just don't get what you're saying? Language barriers can be funny and frustrating at the same time.

Are You Stopping To Smell The Roses?

The following was sent to me in an email from my friend, Stella. After reading it, I thought it was worth sharing. Enjoy! Too many people put off something that brings them joy just because they haven't thought about it, don't have it on their schedule, didn't know it was coming or are too rigid to depart from their routine. I got to thinking one day about all those people on the Titanic who passed up dessert at dinner that fateful night in an effort to cut back. From then on, I've tried to be a little more flexible. How many women out there will eat at home because their husband didn't suggest going out to dinner until after something had been thawed? Does the word 'refrigeration' mean nothing to you? How often have your kids dropped in to talk and sat in silence while you watched 'Jeopardy' on television? I cannot count the times I called my sister and said, 'How about going to lunch in a half hour?' She would gas up and stammer, 'I can't. I have clothes to fold. My hair is dirty. I wish I had known yesterday, I had a late breakfast, It looks like rain' And my personal favorite: 'It's Monday.' She died a few years ago. We never did have lunch together. Because we cram so much into our lives, we tend to schedule our headaches.. We live on a sparse diet of promises we make to ourselves when all the conditions are perfect! We'll go back and visit the grandparents when we get Steve toilet-trained. We'll entertain when we replace the living-room carpet. We'll go on a second honeymoon when we get two more kids out of college. Life has a way of accelerating as we get older. The days get shorter, and the list of promises to ourselves gets longer. One morning, we awaken, and all we have to show for our lives is a litany of 'I'm going to,' 'I plan on,' and 'Someday, when things are settled down a bit.' When anyone calls my 'seize the moment' friend, she is open to adventure and available for trips. She keeps an open mind on new ideas. Her enthusiasm for life is contagious. You talk with her for five minutes, and you're ready to trade your bad feet for a pair of Rollerblades and skip an elevator for a bungee cord. My lips have not touched ice cream in 10 years. I love ice cream. It's just that I might as well apply it directly to my stomach with a spatula and eliminate the digestive process. The other day, I stopped the car and bought a triple-decker. If my car had hit an iceberg on the way home, I would have died happy. Now...go on and have a nice day. Do something you WANT to...not something on your SHOULD DO list.

A Different Kind Of Fundraiser

The local high school band where I live is having a fundraiser. For one day only, you can get name-brand mattresses for 30%-50% off regular retail prices. Don't you find this ironic? As a member of the high school band, I have always known that I definitely beat to the sound of my own drum but mattresses, c'mon, man? Isn't it the goal to keep teenage kids off mattresses--there is this whole thing about "no sex before marriage" and "abstinence is the best policy" and "okay, we know you're going to do it, anyway, but please don't tell us about it?" Don't you think that some of these mattresses might be used--and by used I mean for something other than just jumping up and down on them? And you know there has to be that one kid like Spicoli from Fast Times at Ridgemont High that is walking around going, "Dude, this is killer; they're bringing the beds to us. Are you gonna pass that thing or what?" And another thing: Do you think the community has been putting off its desire to purchase a new mattress set  in anticipation of this event. "Oh, honey, we can sleep on the box springs for a few more weeks. You know the band is having their fall fundraiser when the kids go back to school." I'm not being judgmental or anything because God knows I sold my fair share of Wisconsin cheese in a crock and summer sausage that wasn't quite ready for human consumption to everyone on Cherry Fork Road and at my mother's workplace with moderate success. I don't think I would have had the same success with mattresses. I really think that delivery would really pose a problem. I can hear me explaining this to my mom: "Mom, the mattresses are in--I think we'll only need two semis to get them delivered." What do you think the prize will be for the band member that sells the most mattresses? His or her own new mattress set? I can just hear the Spicoli kid saying: "Dude, you scored. Is that a nice mattress or what?" And speaking to his favorite teacher: "Yo, Mr. Hand--the band is selling mattresses; isn't that righteous? I might get one for the van..." Needless to say, I recently purchased a new mattress set and I won't be able to participate in this fundraiser. Now, I do need a new refrigerator and if I ever see a fundraising sign for that I'll be the first in line and marching right along.

New England In The Fall

It's time for vacation! Yep, my mother and I are travelling up the East Coast in a big bus where our final destination will be Boothbay Harbor, Maine. You remember last year, right, when we travelled all the way to the Grand Canyon--I almost made it to California (a place that always seems just out of my reach) and we had a fabulous time. This time we'll be super close to Mom's dream destination which is Nova Scotia (she's been all around the world but can't seem to have a layover in Nova Scotia) but maybe it will be clear enough to see as we're taking a cruise through the harbor. We're travelling with the some of the same folks that we went to Germany and Nevada with in previous years. I'm very excited because I haven't been to New York since 1985. I wonder if it has changed much? Probably not--bright lights, tourists everywhere and an energy that can only be found in the city that never sleeps. It's always been one of my favorite places! We are supposed to visit the 9/11 Memorial but the Pope (I wrote about this last week) wants to visit at the same time so I'm not sure if we'll get to or not. We're making stops along the way in Philadelphia, Washington, D.C., Connecticut, Cape Cod, Boston and multiple places in between. I'll be posting updates along the way on my Facebook page so you can check that out if you want. We are staying two nights at the Tropicana Hotel in Atlantic City. Mom has been practicing her poker face because she wants to play Texas Hold'em and I've been brushing up on my dice throwing for the Craps table. I LOVE Craps! Chocolate! I almost forgot to mention that we are capping off the trip with a visit to Hershey, Pennsylvania on the way back. Won't that be fun. And delicious. If you have the time, please send out positive thoughts to Brother and Sister, they've been feeling a bit under the weather. And don't worry, you guys are definitely getting the biggest and best souvenirs. See you on the road! Gianetta