Monday, March 8, 2010

Going To A Concert

I'm going to see Eric Clapton in concert tomorrow night. I should be whohooing, singing zippity do da day, and hey, Layla, you got me on my knees, Layla, all crazy and excited about it.

I'm not. You know why?

The seats.

No, I'm not talking about where the seats are located, I'm talking about the actual width of the seat. For some reason, the more I eat, the wider my ass gets and the seating on airplanes, in movie theatres, and at ball parks keeps getting smaller and smaller. Why is that?

I mean, really, who wants to sit beside the fat person on an airplane, a bus, or at a ball game. I know the fat person doesn't want to sit beside someone else that is fat. We also don't want to sit beside the idiot that talks on their cell phone, puts too many onions on their dog, laughs at the wrong time or can't handle their liquor.

According to research, most seat widths today are based on the same guidelines that have been in place since 1950. That's right, 1950! In a world where everything is now one size fits all, and homogenized into neat, tidy packages, the joy of seeing your idol takes a backseat to the realization that you're going to have to slather your thighs in Parkay (butter) so you can slide into your seat. Not to mention the bruises that you get from trying to stuff a 2010 butt into a 1950s seat.


Actual size

So, what are you going to do about it? You could write your Congressman. (I know, why bother) You could write a letter to the editor. (Oh, that's right, newspapers don't exist anymore) You could lose some weight. (Been working on that your whole life) You could stay at home and mope all night. (Are you kidding? Those tickets were expensive)

Well, big butt or not, I'm going, thunder thighs and all. Just remember this, there may be tears in heaven, but there are also tears in my eyes every time I try to fit into one of those antiquated wooden seats. It ain't easy being a middle-aged fat woman...

12 comments:

Grayquill said...

Eric Clapton is he really still alive? Sorry! Bad Joke.
Does sound like a fun time.
Enjoy!

Rae said...

You will probably be on your feet cheering, doing the wave and flicking your Bic anyway.(If he's as good as he was back in the 70's.)
Plus- If it makes you feel any better, most of the music icons from that era can't fit in a 1950's seat anymore either!

Monica said...

Have fun!!! Maybe you can start a standing ovation after every song.

Dreamer13 said...

You are gonna have a BLAST! -and, ohmygoodness you are a funny writer!

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Granny Annie said...

I haven't flown on an airplane in 11 years but I did go to the show two months ago with my granddaughter. I still fit in the seats. I was grateful. I do get stuck in 50s school desks however. Eric Clapton is a gentleman. He will appreciate you for who you are.

AngelMc said...

girl i so understand, we went to see Jersey Boys at the Orpheum in Memphis. it was built in the '20s, i was packed in that seat like...well i don't know what. and we were all all packed in there like sardines. at one point i had a panic attack and had to get out of there towards the end of the first act...

Queen-Size funny bone said...

oh I hear you loud and clear. our local theater of the arts is full of wood seats and i need to butter up to get into those babies and then come home with all kinds of bruises.

Midlife Jobhunter said...

I understand. Nothing seems as comfortable as it used to - but then again, maybe we are just more into comfort now.

Hope you had a great time at the concert. How lucky there were seats. Seems the last few concerts I've been to, we had to stand. Now, if I had the feet I had when I was young, no problem.

Ellen said...

You crack me up, maybe because I identify, ya think? I feel the same way when heading out to an amusement park. I've lost a lot of weight in the past decade, but I still have that first uncomfortable thought, will the harness fit? Ah you got to love it!

Marice said...

thanks for following :) following u back!

Vegas Linda Lou said...

As I said in my post of 11/11/08, when you're laughing your ass off, no one cares how big it is. Enjoy! That's what counts.

Marla said...

Clapton? Really? Ok, I have serious seat envy!

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