Leaving A Concert

A while back I mentioned my concern about going to a concert because of the size of the seats. It was one of those once-in-a-lifetime events that you are lucky to see once in your lifetime. It was an Eric Clapton concert and was opened by that guy that plays all of the CSI drama theme songs. (Who are you, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, I really wanna know.) Anyhow, I had decided to let this story die. There was going to be no further mention of it except at my family gatherings where we could all sit around and laugh about it. Until today... As I was led to the back of the office to meet with my doctor one of the nurses started looking at me all excitedly, shaking her finger at me. "I saw you, where was it? Oh, yeah! It was at the Eric Clapton concert." Oh, shit. Somebody outside the family knows what happened. "Well, did you see me leave?" I replied. "Why did you leave?" "Well, the seats were a little snug and they wouldn't let us stand up at the top because the show was sold out. I wasn't very comfortable in my seat." "You didn't have to sit beside that really large man, did you?" "Yep. When the fat guy has to sit beside another fat guy, something's gotta give and it's usually the seat he's sitting in. His chair gave out and he spilled his beer all over my seat when I had left to visit the facilities. By that time, we were over everybody and their beers, we were bored, so we just left. We heard Eric sing one song." "Wow! That stinks." "Did he sing, Layla?" "No." "Did he sing, Tears in Heaven?" "No." "He didn't. What did he sing?" "I'm not really sure. I didn't recognize most of the songs and we were kind of bored too. You probably didn't miss much. We thought about leaving, but I think the same guy that spilled beer on your chair was moved to the end of the row where we were sitting. It would have been hard to get past him and I bet it was hard sitting beside him. Anyway, hope you feel better."

Going To A Concert

I'm going to see Eric Clapton in concert tomorrow night. I should be whohooing, singing zippity do da day, and hey, Layla, you got me on my knees, Layla, all crazy and excited about it. I'm not. You know why? The seats. No, I'm not talking about where the seats are located, I'm talking about the actual width of the seat. For some reason, the more I eat, the wider my ass gets and the seating on airplanes, in movie theatres, and at ball parks keeps getting smaller and smaller. Why is that? I mean, really, who wants to sit beside the fat person on an airplane, a bus, or at a ball game. I know the fat person doesn't want to sit beside someone else that is fat. We also don't want to sit beside the idiot that talks on their cell phone, puts too many onions on their dog, laughs at the wrong time or can't handle their liquor. According to research, most seat widths today are based on the same guidelines that have been in place since 1950. That's right, 1950! In a world where everything is now one size fits all, and homogenized into neat, tidy packages, the joy of seeing your idol takes a backseat to the realization that you're going to have to slather your thighs in Parkay (butter) so you can slide into your seat. Not to mention the bruises that you get from trying to stuff a 2010 butt into a 1950s seat. Actual size So, what are you going to do about it? You could write your Congressman. (I know, why bother) You could write a letter to the editor. (Oh, that's right, newspapers don't exist anymore) You could lose some weight. (Been working on that your whole life) You could stay at home and mope all night. (Are you kidding? Those tickets were expensive) Well, big butt or not, I'm going, thunder thighs and all. Just remember this, there may be tears in heaven, but there are also tears in my eyes every time I try to fit into one of those antiquated wooden seats. It ain't easy being a middle-aged fat woman...