Tough Times...Part I...Year IV

I had to go to Walmart the other day to pick up a few things I needed and took my cart over to the checkout lanes when I finished. Of course, all of the lines were extremely long so I just settled into line behind a little old lady that closely resembled my late Granny. "Oh, my goodness!" she exclaimed. "I don't know how these people can get away with charging 3 dollars for a loaf of bread. I'm just a little old lady on a fixed income and I can't afford these prices. I stayed at home my whole life caring for my husband and my children only to be left nearly penniless by some fat cat insurance company in New York. Health Care reform, I think that's what they are calling it. A thousand dollars a month for health insurance, who would pay that? I was hoping to have an easier time in my Golden Years and now I can barely afford food for me and my handicapped son. I had to leave him out in the car because I upset him when I get to complaining about these prices. I don't mean to, but I'm doing the best I can." "I'm sorry to hear that," I said. I felt sorry for the lady, I really did. Times are tough all over. I knew exactly how that lady felt about those astronomical premiums, I've been paying them myself. It was finally her turn to begin placing her items up on the register belt and she began talking to the cashier and pointing to me in a friendly manner. I wasn't really paying attention to what they were talking about. I had just discovered a copy of The Global Wacko News that had Tim Ruse on the cover saying that he was the reincarnation of Lon R Cupboard and was trying to convert the world into his new class of Cosmetology that would be opening new centers worldwide whenever he had another hit movie and earned enough money to do so. (Good luck with that.) The little old lady kept gesturing and smiling at me. I didn't want to be rude so I gave a little half-smile and nodded in agreement to whatever they were so animated about. You know what I'm talking about. When somebody tells a joke and you laugh along anyway even though you don't get it. By now, there was enough space on the belt for me to begin placing my purchases alongside the lady's items. My first item was a huge 16-roll pack of toilet paper that was on sale and it separated my things from hers. It also separated me from her as she gave another wave and headed out the door. "That was awfully nice of you," said the cashier. "Your Great Aunt said you was going to pay for her groceries. That will be $88.32." "Excuse me..."

Top Ten Signs Spring Hasn't Actually Sprung

Even though the calendar says so many folks across the country are having a hard time believing that it IS actually Spring.  So to add a little humor to the situation here are the top ten signs that Spring hasn't yet sprung. 10. It's snowing everywhere...even in Hawaii. 9.   People in the south have even moved farther south. 8.   People in the north are all broke from paying heating bills for the last 10 months. 7.   There's snow on my lettuce plants. 6.   I don't know whether to run to the store for bread and milk or run to the basement and hide from the severe weather. 5.   I'm wearing shorts with an overcoat, stocking hat and boots. 4.   To hell with the drought; the melting snow is watering my garden. 3.   My spring time allergies are fighting with my dry winter skin itch. 2.   Easter is never supposed to be in March. 1.   The Easter Bunny has asked Santa if he can borrow his sleigh and the lyrics from Here Comes Peter Cottontail have been changed to  Here comes Peter Cottontail, slipping down the bunny trail, hippity, hoppity, Winter won't go away. There you have it, the top ten signs that Spring hasn't yet sprung--I'm sure you might have a few of your own. But don't worry, Mother Nature will begin to cooperate really soon--I just hope she doesn't go straight on into summer.  Seriously, I'm not ready for 100° weather...

Slips, Trips And Falls

I landed a perfect faceplant the other day after slipping and sliding on a big glob of butter. For the third time in as many months I dropped one of those large plastic butter tubs on the floor in my kitchen. Personally, I would think they should be a bit more durable, but each drop has resulted in a crater-size crack of the tub and a mountain of yellow goo on the floor. I really don't think it matters how old you are when you slip and fall; it still hurts. First, even before you allow yourself to realize that you could be injured, you have a quick look around to see if anyone was watching. Next, you do a mental assessment from head-to-toe bending and flexing to make sure everything still works. Sometimes, it will seem everything is okay--until you wake up the next morning unable to get out of bed.  Stiff neck, anyone? This trip was more a surprise than anything: One moment you're standing at the fridge with a tub of butter in your hand and the next you're face down on the floor with the cat licking butter off your nose. I didn't injure myself, thank goodness, but at my middle-agedness, I need to be more careful; that's why I'm switching to sticks!

Mom's Birthday....Year V

It's birthday time once again in the MA Fat Woman's family. Today is my Mom's birthday. Of course, I can't tell you how old she is because that wouldn't be daughterly. She is older than me but hasn't reached that age where she goes around telling everybody how old she is. For example: One might ask, "It sure is beautiful weather we're having." "I'm 87," might be the response. I'm really lucky to be her daughter. Mom always has a unique and mostly upbeat attitude about things which is very helpful during stressful times. Her calming manner has defused many a situation at home and at work. She's mostly retired now, and enjoys her dance lessons and Travel Club meetings. She's a fun person to be around and I'm glad she's my mom. Here's to you Mom! Happy Birthday!

Wanna Hear Something Funny?

The following are telephone conversations that took place recently between my mom, sister and me: Mom: "Watcha' been up to?" Me:  "Not much; working on my new book." Mom: "Oh, I see.  When are you going to let me read more of it?" Me:  "When it's finished!  Why haven't you called?" Mom: "I been busy and the phone works both ways, you know." Me: "I know that, but sometimes, I'm just testing you--make sure you don't forget about me." Mom: "Well, I may be forgetting some things these days but you're certainly not one of them." Me: "Thanks." Mom: "Hey. What was your name again?" Me: "Mom!" Mom: "Ha! Just teasing you--you ain't the only one with a sense of humor, ya know?  Wanna hear something funny?" Me: "Sure." Mom: "Well, I have some new folks I'm pet sitting for and they have a German Shepherd and a big black mixed dog. I took them both out on the leash at the  same time and the black dog turned around real quick like--almost like he was scared of something. It caught me off guard and knocked me off balance; I ended up on the ground. The next thing I recall was that the German Shepherd came at me over my head and jumped on the black dog.  I thought, 'this is it; I'm going to be attacked by them for sure.' Well, the German Shepherd wasn't attacking me, he was jumping the other dog. He must have thought that I was being attacked." Me: Silence. Mom: "That German Shepherd is a nice dog; he really likes me." Me: : "That isn't funny at all; you could have been killed. You know I don't like it when you take on new clients..." Mom: "Harrumph! I can take care of myself.  You're just like your father; you worry too much. I gotta go, Wheel of Fortune is on." Me: "Okay, bye. (Calling my sister.) Have you talked to mom lately?" Sister: "No, why?" Me: "She got pulled to the ground by a big dog and then another dog jumped the other dog over her head." Sister: "What kind of dog was it?" Me: "German Shepherd." Sister:  "Oh, they are very protective." Me: "She could have been hurt." Sister:  "You worry too much; you get more like dad everyday.  I gotta go, Wheel of Fortune is on." Does anyone else fail to see the humor in this? Or is it just me?

One L Or Two

One thing I've been wondering about lately is the correct spelling of the word canceled. Or is it cancelled? I've seen the word everywhere. Every time you watch television lately, schools have been canceled, plane flights have been cancelled and I have even seen it spelled canculled. I did a search on Google and canceled is American English and cancelled is British or Canadian English. Either spelling is deemed correct. I spell the word with two L's. I'm certainly not British or Canadian, although I have been to both countries. Another word that gives me the same problem is traveled. Or is it travelled? According to the same source that gave me the info on canculled; one L is American and two L's is British or Canadian. I spell that word with one L. So, what does that make me? Well, I surely know my ABC's. I guess I'm an American-British-Canadian! Go figure!

I Guess He Was Hungry

News reports have indicated that the economy is improving, albeit at a glacier-like pace. I'm still watching my pennies, clipping coupons and buying things on sale. I think my days of paying full price for anything are gone, and I really don't think that there is anything wrong with that. If you ask me, things are way too over priced anyway. Anyhow, one of the things that I kept in my budget was a simple random act of kindness and that was to pay for the order behind me at the drive through on different occasions. The other day I was waiting to pay for my order and glimpsed a young man in a ratty old pickup truck behind me. What caught my eye was that he seemed to digging for something, probably loose change; I should know that look because I have done it often enough myself. I asked the clerk at the window how much the next order was going to be. It was only going to be $2.14, so I told him that I wanted to pay for it. (Even I could afford that!) While I drove ahead to the next window to receive my order I watched in the rear view mirror to see what his reaction would be. Well, lo and behold, that young man gave me a wave and had the biggest grin you've ever seen--he really seemed excited. I received my order and exited the parking lot heading on a road that ran behind the restaurant. As I was going around the back of the restaurant I saw the same kid in the same truck had just driven around the restaurant and got back in line to go through the whole ordering process once again. I'll never know the reason he went back through the line--maybe he didn't get a straw with his order or maybe he was just plain hungry…after all, he did have an extra $2.14!

Do You Like My Tail?

Do you like my tail? I look good when I'm napping, don't I?

On A First Name Basis...Again

Since I've joined the Social Media Revolution and started using sites like Twitter and Facebook I have reconnected with a lot of people from my past such as childhood friends, past coworkers and even a few of my teachers. At first, I thought it was a bit odd receiving likes and comments from folks that used to give me a grade for conduct on a daily basis. I mean I was a pretty good student and such but I still felt self-conscious about posting commentary about "swamp ass" and "hemorrhoids." Recently, I wished one of my former teachers a happy birthday. My teacher said you can drop the mister because everyone just calls me Ron. Well, I was a bit reluctant to do this but in further email exchanges I dropped the mister and called him Ron. A few weeks later I was telling Mom what had happened and she stopped what she was doing, looked at me and said in a serious tone, "That is something that you don't do. Your teachers taught you very well and you still need to show them respect. Ron will always be Mr. Smart to you and don't you forget it." Well, when L.M. Palmer speaks, I listen. So, listed below are my former teachers and what they learned me... Mrs. Jones - (Art) I still have my hand print from kindergarten and my silhouette portrait from second grade. Mr. Smart - (Science & Basketball Coach) Don't be afraid to take the shot. Mr. Whitford - (Band) He switched me from trumpet to baritone and it took me all the way to Europe. Mr. Breeze - (History) Tidbits of useless information did indeed pay off in later life; not too many people can beat me at Trivial Pursuit. Mrs. Gray - (Math) It's been 25 years but I can still do Algebra. Maybe not take the equation all the way down to X=O, but pretty darn close. Mrs. Smith - (English) The Outsiders is still one of my favorite stories. Mrs. Raines  Shoemaker -  (Health & P.E.)  The most embarrassing question a ninth-grader could possibly ask during sex education class.  "How big is the average male penis?" So I say thank you to all of you; you taught me very well!