Tuesday, November 8, 2016

Need A Lift...Election Day Humor

I did what millions of other Americans did on Election Day recently and that was to vote. I live in a small town, roughly 2000 people, and the precinct that I vote in is at the middle school just up the road. I've never had to wait more than five minutes to exercise my constitutional right which is a good thing. I've heard horror stories of people waiting eight hours or longer to exercise that same right. You would think in this advanced technological age that we could vote online by now without too much cheating, but for whatever reason, it hasn't happened.

On my way into the gymnasium to cast my ballot I became distracted by yelling across the street. It was the family and friends of those running for office urging us, the voters, to support their candidate. I gave a nonchalant wave of the hand and nearly ran smack dab into the back of a little old lady pushing a walker. "Hey! Watch it! Little old lady walking here!" she exclaimed.

"Oh, I'm terribly sorry," I said. "Those people across the street distracted me. Are you okay?" I asked opening the door for her.

"Yes, I'm fine. Thanks for holding the door," she said. "I don't know why they make these doors so heavy. When you get my age, it's hard to get around," she said motioning to the walker. "The legs don't work quite like they used to."

I smiled in response and settled into line behind her. We went through the usual steps of filling out the paper, showing our Ids and receiving the plastic key card that is inserted into the voting machine. "Push this button when you are through casting your ballot," said a nice old man. "Make sure to hand your key card to Alice," he said, "she's handing out the "I voted today" stickers."

"Thank you," I replied. I'm not sure how long it took me to vote but I got held up on the wording of one of the proposed constitutional amendments. It didn't sound right so I kept repeating it. After the fifth time of reading it, I gave up and just pushed the "no" button. It must not be that important.

I received my sticker from Alice, gave her a smile and headed out to my car. Unknowingly, I had parked right beside the lady with the walker who was now standing directly beside a very large pickup truck. "Another year of doing my civic duty," she said.

"Me too," I replied. "I got hung up on one of those amendments; it didn't make sense to me."

"That used to happen to me too, sometimes. Now, I just vote no on everything new. If you vote yes, it's usually just going to cost you more money," she said looking around the parking lot.

"That makes sense," I said. "Well, you have a good one," I said opening my car door.

"Honey?" she asked looking in my direction.

"Yes?" I replied.

"Would you mind giving me a lift?" she asked.

"Sure," I replied. "Where to?" I knew it couldn't be far because she had just voted and you had to live close by to be able to vote in this precinct. I had walked around to the passenger side of the Mustang and opened the door. "It's hard to get into sometimes, because it's so low to the ground."

The lady had continued searching the parking lot, frowned slightly and looked back in my direction. "My daughter was supposed to give me a lift but she isn't here yet," Looking at the open door of my car she chuckled, "Thanks, honey. But that's not the kind of lift I need. I need a boost up into my truck. I can get down all right; it's just climbing back into it that gives me fits."

I closed the door of the car and walked over to where she was standing. "Okay, do you want me to pick you up?" I asked.

"Nope. Wait until I step with one foot, grab the steering wheel and then start to lift myself up. Then put your hand under my butt and kinda throw me up into the truck. I'll turn slightly and slide into the driver's seat. I've been doing it this way for years and it works every time."

"Okay?" I said with a questioning look.

"Oh, don't be afraid of it. It'll be all right. If you feel something squishy, that's just my adult underwear. You ready? On the count of three…one…two…lift."

And I did. She stepped up, grabbed the steering wheel, adjusted her hips and slid right behind the wheel. It worked perfectly. "There you go," I said.

"Perfect," she said. "Thanks, honey, put my walker in the back, will ya?"

I did as she instructed, stepped back around to my car and opened the door, "Take care," I said.

"Okey doke," she said. "I'll look for you the next time I need a lift when I'm out somewhere. Most people are afraid to help me; afraid I might sue them or something if they drop me. Or when I mention the squishy part," she chuckled. "That scares a lot of them off," she said driving away.


"Glad I could help," I said with a final wave. Yep, the squishy part nearly stopped me from helping her but I'm glad it didn't. You never know, I might need the same kind of help  someday, squishy pants and all.

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