Holiday Conversations

Since Thanksgiving was so late this year my family and many others, I'm sure, have been playing catch up for the past several weeks. The following is actual dialogue between my family members on various subjects. MA Fat Woman: "You got your tree yet"? Mom: "No, it's too early yet". MA Fat Woman: "It's December 21. How much later are you going to wait?" Mom: "It's been raining. I can't very well get a tree in the rain, can I? Besides, I called a guy and he said he would deliver it to me". MAFW: "I didn't know that Christmas tree farms delivered?" Mom: "Listen here young lady! Don't you get smart with me". Sister: "What did you get Mom for Christmas?" MAFW: "Nothing yet. She already has everything she could possibly want or need. What did you get her?" Brother: "What does Mom want for Christmas?" Sister: "I don't know. MAFW was supposed to do some hinting around and find out". MAFW: "What would you like for Christmas this year?" Mom: "Well, I've been through so many Christmases that I already have everything that I could possibly need". Brother: "Did you find out what Mom wanted for Christmas?" MAFW: "She said she had been through so many Christmases that she had everything that she could possibly want or need". Brother: "That's helpful"! Sister: "Ask her again". MAFW: "Have you bought the turkey yet"? Mom: "I don't think I want turkey this year. I might want to get a ham". MAFW: "Why do you want ham?" Mom: "I just want to try something a little different this year". MAFW: "Mom wants to have ham for Christmas this year. She wants to try something different". Brother & Sister: "Is she sick? What's going on? You're supposed to find out what she wants for Christmas and now you tell us she wants ham instead of turkey. Do we need to come earlier than expected?" MAFW: Mom, Brother & Sister want to know if they need to come sooner for Christmas"? Mom: "Lord, heavens what for"? MAFW: "To see if you need any help getting the tree and buying the ham". Mom: "You kids need to worry about your own problems, not mine. I've already got the tree up and decorated and I bought a turkey and a ham. See you on Christmas Eve"!

Holiday Check In

It's a few hours before the meal and I'm already stuffed. No, I'm not the turkey. I almost had a major meltdown earlier over the deviled eggs. You wouldn't think that it would be that hard to boil eggs and then peel the shells but somewhere there was a major breakdown in this process. The shells would not come off the eggs and I had to take a butter knife and chip the shells off. This process resulted in four different opinions as to why the shells would not come off more easily. Mom says that the eggs were too fresh and that was the reason the shells were difficult to remove. Sister says the eggs needed to be at room temperature before they were boiled. Niece says the eggs probably came from the chickens outside and have been buried out behind the outhouse for the last few years. The MA Fat Woman didn't say anything but just kept swearing under her breath. Brother says the eggs weren't boiled long enough and the shells needed to be removed promptly after boiling. After this discussion which took almost an hour it was time to make the deviled egg mixture. Again, an hour to discuss how to make the mixture and four differing opinions. If we're having this much trouble with the eggs I can hardly wait until it's time to mash the potatoes. Happy Thanksgiving!

An Anniversary Of Sorts

Two years ago on this date I stopped smoking. I'm not going to tell you that it was easy, because it wasn't. I did use the drug called Chantix that you hear so much about. It gave me unusual dreams and highly successful bowel movements when I was taking it. I probably wouldn't have stopped smoking if it hadn't been for one particular doctor that told me straight up if I didn't stop smoking I would be carrying around an oxygen tank with me for the rest of my life. I've already got enough baggage to lug around so I quit. I'm not going to tell you that I didn't gain weight. I gained a lot of weight, some of which I have lost, and am trying to get back to my pre-smoking weight. Don't worry, I'll still be able to qualify as the MA Fat Woman. I have become the ex-smoker from hell. I can't stand the sight or smell of cigarette smoke any longer. If I get a whiff of a cigarette it makes me want to either throw up or go smack the person that is smoking it. I figure in two years I have saved at 4 bucks a pack roughly 3000 dollars. I stopped smoking the day after Thanksgiving two years ago. I sort of went cold turkey. Try it, you just might succeed too.