My Left Nostril

I was on my way to the store yesterday and pulled into the parking spot near the cart return like I always do. I decided to check my appearance in the fold down mirror that most cars have nowadays and was startled to see something looking back at me. Something had made me pull into that particular spot where the sun shining in the car was just right. It was shimmering at me. It was just the perfect length to make me go WTH. What was it? Nose hair—that’s right, nose hair. In my left nostril was a bunch of nose hairs that had gotten out of hand—make that, out of my nose. Well, they had to go, and fast. Of course, I didn’t have my little manicure scissors with me, so, I would have to make do with what I had. After checking the surrounding vehicles to make sure no one was watching, I stuck my finger up my nose, tried to grab a hair and gave it a yank. The first thing I did was check my hand to see if I had gotten any of the hairs. I had but when I checked the mirror again there were still more gray hairs smiling back at me. Probe, grasp and pull. Dig, grab and tug. Insert finger one last time and go for the gold. Ouch, out it came, the lone survivor, the last silvery-coated nose hair that was causing me to perform minor surgery in the hot confines of my little red sports car. I checked the pull down mirror one last time to make sure that there wasn’t any little hairs hiding somewhere and happened to glance in the rearview mirror were I caught the glance of a little boy being pulled by the hand towards his car. “Mommy, Mommy”, he cried. “That lady is picking her nose. You told me that grownups didn’t pick their nose.” This isn’t one of those stories that people would normally tell; however, after three days, my left nostril is still sore to the touch. Not that I am touching it or anything.

Things That Make You Go Oops

I was off to another exciting visit to the grocery store last week. I had made out my list and had gotten the appropriate coupons for this quick trip. It wasn't my monthly visit; you know the one where you have to stock up on paper products, laundry detergent and all of the other boring stuff. I had eaten lunch before my visit which was not unusual. Somewhere along the way I had learned that you weren't supposed to go shopping on an empty stomach. Supposedly, shopping for groceries with a full belly will stop me from buying foods that are bad for me. (Yeah, right) I was cruising right along, I had made it pass the produce aisle, (Remember, the middle-aged fat woman doesn't like salads) when I heard the first rumble. (Uh oh) I was headed down aisle 3 which is where the condiments are located. I knew I needed ketchup, and started searching for my list. Grrrrrrrr! (Oh my Lord!) What was that? I couldn't find my list and I was beginning to sweat just a bit. Roooaaaaarrrr went my stomach. I had started to head up aisle 4, (cereal aisle) I knew I needed a box of cereal because I had a coupon. I began looking through my stack of coupons when I realized that I had picked up the wrong stack. I had picked up the coupons to be used at a later date (Great) (Rumble, grgggle, Burrrrroppp) Obviously, I had a situation developing that needed my immediate attention. I needed to find a restroom, fast! I started rolling the cart up aisle 5 and was headed to the area where I hoped the facilities were located. Along the way, the shopping cart wheel (Which was going thump, thump, thump) got stuck on something and wouldn't roll. (Grrrrrrr) Highly exasperated and sweating profusely, I shook the cart back and forth trying to get the wheel unstuck. I looked up and saw the sign for the restrooms, I was close. With a final shove, it came loose, and almost overturned. (It had gotten stuck on a penny) I grabbed the penny and my purse and headed for the bathroom door. There was a handwritten sign on it which I slowed to read (No merchandise to be taken beyond these doors without a receipt) and pushed my way in. Grgggle, Burrroppp. The first thing that I noticed when I got inside was a urinal. The next thing that I noticed was a man standing in front of the urinal. He looked at me with shock registering on his face and I said "Oops", made an about face and back out the door I went. In my haste to reach the facilities and read the sign, I had walked right into the men's room. Oops!