Tough Times...Part I...Year 2

I had to go to Walmart the other day to pick up a few things I needed and took my cart over to the checkout lanes when I finished. Of course, all of the lines were extremely long so I just settled into line behind a little old lady that closely resembled my late Granny. "Oh, my goodness!" she exclaimed. "I don't know how these people can get away with charging 3 dollars for a loaf of bread. I'm just a little old lady on a fixed income and I can't afford these prices. I stayed at home my whole life caring for my husband and my children only to be left nearly penniless by some fat cat insurance company in New York. Health Care reform, I think that's what they are calling it. A thousand dollars a month for health insurance, who would pay that? I was hoping to have an easier time in my Golden Years and now I can barely afford food for me and my handicapped son. I had to leave him out in the car because I upset him when I get to complaining about these prices. I don't mean to, but I'm doing the best I can." "I'm sorry to hear that," I said. I felt sorry for the lady, I really did. Times are tough all over. I knew exactly how that lady felt about those astronomical premiums, I've been paying them myself. It was finally her turn to begin placing her items up on the register belt and she began talking to the cashier and pointing to me in a friendly manner. I wasn't really paying attention to what they were talking about. I had just discovered a copy of The Global Wacko News that had Tim Ruse on the cover saying that he was the reincarnation of Lon R Cupboard and was trying to convert the world into his new class of Cosmetology that would be opening new centers worldwide whenever he had another hit movie and earned enough money to do so. (Good luck with that.) The little old lady kept gesturing and smiling at me. I didn't want to be rude so I gave a little half-smile and nodded in agreement to whatever they were so animated about. You know what I'm talking about. When somebody tells a joke and you laugh along anyway even though you don't get it. By now, there was enough space on the belt for me to begin placing my purchases alongside the lady's items. My first item was a huge 16-roll pack of toilet paper that was on sale and it separated my things from hers. It also separated me from her as she gave another wave and headed out the door. "That was awfully nice of you," said the cashier. "Your Great Aunt said you was going to pay for her groceries. That will be $88.32." "Excuse me..."

Plans For My Birthday

I bet some of you might have forgotten that my birthday is fast approaching. In case you have, it's April 4, and by the way, there's still time to get my present in the mail. If you're having trouble deciding what a great gift might be for me, money is always nice. Anyhow, starting out things in true, typical MAFW fashion, I started out the week with a bad haircut and car trouble. I thought I had learned my lesson regarding getting my hair cut at a particular place but I actually got a decent cut there last time, but alas, it was not meant to be. I like short hair, but this time the lady scalped me. I left the salon rubbing my head, wondering where my hair had went and hopped into the Mustang hoping to get the hell out of there before I threw a fit. (I'm not vain by any means, but I do like to have a nice hairdo.) Well, somebody forgot to tell Sally that I was ready to go because she wouldn't even turn over, let alone crank. Great. Nice. What else? I popped the hood and stared in wonder at all of the things that I knew nothing about. At that point, the lady that had just chopped my hair up stepped out of the salon for a smoke. "Car trouble?" she asked. (Here's your sign!) I basically ignored her but she continued to look in my direction. "You know, your hair is really short. I guess I did cut it too short. Oh, well, it will grow back." I started to flip her off, but decided not to; that's not very ladylike. I'll think long and hard before I go back there. Anyhow, not sure what's wrong with the car. It could be the battery, starter or alternator. I'll worry about that when I get back from my trip. I'm going to Savannah for a long weekend. I'm especially looking forward to the ghost tour that I'm taking. I hope to eat at Paula Deen's restaurant again and have a pint in the Irish Pub down on River Street. If you're in town and you see a MAFW with a really bad hairdo, don't be afraid to say hi. Cheers!

Dear Aunt Phyllis,

Hey! Hi! Remember me? I was really new to the family when you met me at Thanksgiving last year. I was kinda quiet, sorta nervous around all you new people. Not anymore...I'm really LOUD! In fact, Mamma G. says I never shut up. I just don't want you to be alarmed and nervous when I get excited about something; which is pretty much everything. Did I say really LOUD? And you can't shush me either. There's nothing wrong, I just like to be heard. I still get a little nervous about the opossums, chickens and other cats that are outside. That's why I'm strictly an indoorsy kind of guy. Don't let me outside even if I ask you really LOUDLY, one of those other critters might get me. I like half a can of Fancy Feast in the morning and then the other half in the evening. I like treats a few times a day. And a small piece of lunch meat too, if there is any... If you can't find me, I like to sleep under the stairs sometimes. I may try to sit on your lap or sleep on your head too. And I'll probably say 'hi' really LOUDLY in the middle of the night just when you're about to fall into a deep sleep. But really, I'm no trouble at all. Of course, Mamma G. likes to call me trouble sometimes; I'm not sure why. Anyhow, I'm glad you're coming to stay with me. Make sure you notice Mom's backsplash! Oh, and I think she said something about sheetrock...whatever that is? See ya soon, Ralph (Ralphie) Malph (The new cat) P.S. You are still coming, right?

Tips For Pumping Gas

These handy tips were forwarded to me in an email and I thought I would share. In this day and age of high gas prices, every little bit helps. I don't know what you guys are paying for gasoline.... but here in Georgia we are paying up to $3.40 to $3.99 per gallon. So here are some tricks to get more of your money's worth for every gallon: Only buy or fill up your car or truck in the early morning when the ground temperature is still cold. Remember that all service stations have their storage tanks buried below ground. The colder the ground the more dense the gasoline, when it gets warmer gasoline expands, so buying in the afternoon or in the evening....your gallon is not exactly a gallon. In the petroleum business, the specific gravity and the temperature of the gasoline, diesel and jet fuel, ethanol and other petroleum products plays an important role. A 1-degree rise in temperature is a big deal for this business. But the service stations do not have temperature compensation at the pumps. When you're filling up do not squeeze the trigger of the nozzle to a fast mode If you look you will see that the trigger has three (3) stages: low, middle, and high. You should be pumping on low mode, thereby minimizing the vapors that are created while you are pumping. All hoses at the pump have a vapor return. If you are pumping on the fast rate, some of the liquid that goes to your tank becomes vapor. Those vapors are being sucked up and back into the underground storage tank so you're getting less worth for your money. One of the most important tips is to fill up when your gas tank is HALF FULL. The reason for this is the more gas you have in your tank the less air occupying its empty space. Gasoline evaporates faster than you can imagine. Gasoline storage tanks have an internal floating roof. This roof serves as zero clearance between the gas and the atmosphere, so it minimizes the evaporation. Unlike service stations, here where I work, every truck that we load is temperature compensated so that every gallon is actually the exact amount. Another reminder, if there is a gasoline truck pumping into the storage tanks when you stop to buy gas, DO NOT fill up; most likely the gasoline is being stirred up as the gas is being delivered, and you might pick up some of the dirt that normally settles on the bottom.

Mom's Birthday...Year III

It's birthday time once again in the MA Fat Woman's family. Today is my Mom's birthday. Of course, I can't tell you how old she is because that wouldn't be daughterly. She is older than me but hasn't reached that age where she goes around telling everybody how old she is. For example: One might ask, "It sure is beautiful weather we're having." "I'm 87," might be the response. I'm really lucky to be her daughter. Mom always has a unique and mostly upbeat attitude about things which is very helpful during stressful times. Her calming manner has defused many a situation at home and at work. She's mostly retired now, and enjoys her dance lessons and Travel Club meetings. She's a fun person to be around and I'm glad she's my mom. Here's to you Mom! Happy Birthday!

Oh, Just Any Old Account Will Do

In my family we like to have more than one bank account. I'm not sure why but I think it started with my Mamaw, who was my father's mother. Her name was Mary Lou Leonard Palmer Pitzer and she had money in every bank within a three county radius. I never knew this until later, after she had passed away. I may have accompanied her to the bank once or twice when I was little but I can't say for sure. What I can say for sure is that I knew where Mamaw kept her spending money: in her bra. I wonder why she did that? She always carried a large pocketbook, full of all kinds of junk, but she kept her money close to her heart. I've thought about doing that sometimes too, but I really don't have any extra room in there other than what is supposed to be in there. (If you know what I mean.) Over the last couple of years, more than one bank that I am affiliated with has gone belly up. The next thing you know the old signs have either been removed or covered up by a new bank's banner from somewhere that I've never heard of. Then you get new cards, checks and all sorts of other junk from the new bank and you're supposed to chuck the rest. Sometimes, I don't do that. A few days ago, I had to visit different locations to handle several different transactions. Normally, this wouldn't be a problem. But someone forgot to tell me that. As I waited in the drive thru line mentally checking off items on my to do list, I realized that the lady at the bank was trying to get my attention. "Ma'am?" "Ma'am? Excuse me?" "Ma'am? Hello? Earth to lady in the red Mustang..." "Yes?" I replied. "What account do you want this to go into? And while I've got your attention, are you sure you're at the right bank?" "What do you mean, what account? Of course, I'm at the right bank." This lady had my attention now. "Well, ma'am, you've given me a bank deposit slip from a bank that was shut down five years ago and you didn't write down the account number." "Oh?" "Oh, goodness! Can't you just look it up by my name?" I asked. "Sure. I just need some identification." "Okay." I began looking frantically for my license but it was soon apparent that I had forgotten it somewhere. I must have left it at the previous bank. I told the lady that I would be right back and drove back to the other bank. The nice lady there saw me approach, waved my license in the air and offered these sage words of advice: "You know, you ought to keep that thing in your bra. My Granny taught me to do that after I left mine once. Yes sir, I keep it tucked right here, up close and personal. You have a good day now!"

Happy St. Patrick's Day

Enjoy the day! And I hope you get pinched even if you do wear green!