Top Ten Things Joan Rivers Would Have Said At Her Own Funeral

A part of me died recently with the passing of Joan Rivers. From the first moment that I heard one of her jokes I was hooked. She was brash, bold and funny. Very funny. Her jokes ran the gambit from popular culture to political satire and everything in between. No one was off limits from her razor sharp wit. Including herself. Self depreciation was a large part of the schlick, and why not, from the plastic surgeries to the only girl in the men's club, she was an easy target. She made people squirm. And offended. And pissed off. I wanted to be like that. But most of all, she made you forget what was bothering you and that life was meant to be enjoyed. She entertained us in the best possible way by not only laughing at us but with us. So, out of respect for my favorite comedian, I give you the top ten things Joan Rivers would have said at her own funeral: 10.  Oh my God. How much am I making for this gig? I haven't seen this many accountants in  one     place since NBC fired Jay Leno from the Tonight Show. And hired Conan O'Brien. And fired Conan O'Brien. And hired Jay Leno. And fired Jay Leno. Really? You could have had me for nothing. 9.    Howard Stern? You tall schmuck. Your private parts really gross me out. And that hair? It's 2014, get a stylist, for Christ's sake. Try a relaxer or something. 8.    Can we talk? Can we talk? No, we can't fucking talk. Those fucking bagpipes are way too loud. 7.    Hollywood, people. I said I wanted Hollywood. Not the B list. Kathy Griffin? Sarah Jessica Parker? Matthew Broderick? Who the hell are they? 6.    Damn it, I'm not ready, yet. I'm scheduled to do Trump Plaza in December. (Oh, wait, that check will probably bounce.) 5.    The makeup artists did a good job, didn't they? I look more lifelike now than I have in years. 4.    Who am I wearing? 3.     Stop crying! Quick, some one tell a joke... 2.     My vagina is so dry 1.     How dry is it? Thanks for asking, but it's time for me to go. You've been a great crowd! Goodnight! Rest in peace, Joan Rivers, wait--- scratch that---I'm sure there's quite a crowd wherever you are and they could probably use a laugh. Knock'em dead!