Whatcha' Mean You Don't Like Collard Greens

Author's note: For the next few weeks I'm going to be posting several of the humorous essays that were included in my books. I have been invited to return to southern Ohio to participate in National Library Week and will be participating in the local author book fair on April 18 from 1-4 pm at the Peebles, Ohio library. I'm super excited to be participating in this event and if you're in the area please stop by for a chat with me and the rest of my fellow authors. The following story is from Reflections On A Middle-Aged Fat Woman: During a recent overnight business trip, I was excited to get to stay in a really nice hotel that offered room service. It was late by the time I finished up my tasks for the day that I didn't really want to venture out anywhere so I ordered room service. The book that was in my room that told the specifics about the hotel and listed the room service menu seemed to be missing a page or two. Somewhere I had read that they offered breakfast as an option but couldn't find any breakfast items listed. I called the front desk and was transferred to a nice lady that worked in the restaurant. The following is our conversation: Me: "I'd like to order room service..." Lady: "Okay, what'll ya have? What'll ya have?" Me: "I'm sorry. Could you repeat that?" Lady: "Yes, Ma'am, I said, what'll ya have, what'll ya have?" Me: "I'm not sure. Is this room service, or have I called the Varsity? Lady: "Oh, you must live around here, don'tcha? I like to say that to the traveling folks. Makes 'em think they is at the Varsity, though. Since you is from around here, I'll rephrase my question and ask what would you like to have for dinner?" Me: "I'm not sure. My hotel book only lists options for lunch and late-night dining. It does list a Filet Mignon for $52, but I don't think I'll order that. You got any seafood plates?" Lady: "Yep, we sure do. We got a fried shrimp, French fries and Cole slaw plate for $16, and it's good too." Me: "Okay, I'll get that." (It was good.) I  called the front desk in the morning and mentioned that my hotel book was missing a few pages, so when I got back into the room the next night I was hoping to see what other options might be available. They hadn't provided me with the missing menu so I had to call again without knowing what I wanted. Lady: "Room service. What'll ya have, what'll ya have?" Me: "I'd like to order room service, please." Lady: "Sure thing, what'll ya have, what'll ya have?" Me: "I'm not sure. I don't have a complete menu in my room..." Lady: "Lordy, is this the same lady from last night?" Me: "Yep, sure is." Lady: "I told them room cleaners to put you a new book in there, but I guess they didn't. It figures. Well, what'll ya have then, what'll ya in the mood for?" Me: "You got any fried chicken?" Lady: "Fried chicken? Honey, this ain't the Big Chicken, but we do have a three-piece platter with smashed taters and a vegetable." Me: "Sounds goods. What's the vegetable?" Lady: "Why, collard greens, of course. That's the only thing that goes good with chicken." Me: "Hmmm, I don't really like collard greens, you got anything else?" Lady: "Harump! Whatcha' mean, you don't like collard greens? Are ya crazy or somethin'? I thought you said you was from around here?" Me: "I live up in the mountains, but I'm originally from Ohio." Lady: "Oh, I see. You from north of the sweet tea line, (that's my favorite line to describe someone from the north) ain't ya? Well, we ain't got any other vegetables, so I'll send you a double order of taters, okay?" It worked for me since mashed potatoes are my favorite food. The next day during our lunch break we were standing in line at the small cafeteria in the building where our training was taking place. Listed on the daily lunch special were fried chicken, mashed potatoes and a vegetable for only $5.99. "What's the vegetable?" I asked. You know I already knew the answer to that before the lady answered in a familiar voice. "What'll ya have, what'll ya have? It's my first day on the job here and the vegetable of the day is collard greens. Could you believe someone ordered the fried chicken at the hotel last night and said they didn't like collard greens?"