Early Morning Malfunctions

"Snap!" "Uh, oh, it looks like we've got an early morning malfunction here," said my doctor. "That's what happens when you're the first patient of the day." Now, I don't care if you are my worst enemy, I wouldn't want you to hear those words--especially when you're lying prone, in an unclothed position and you're feet are up in the stirrups. Without being too graphic, the instrument that was supposed to be doing the spreading stopped working; actually it snapped in two pieces and pinched me. Needless to say, it made me jump straight up out of my paper gown. The damn thing was made of plastic. It seems that as a cost cutting measure it is cheaper to buy plastic instruments instead of having someone sterilize the antiquated metal devices. What's next? Open heart surgery with a plastic butter knife... This appointment concluded my week long saga of doctor appointments. I started the week with a root canal and crappy pain drugs and ended with an early morning malfunction. The good news is that I'm years away from my first colonoscopy...

Early Appointments

I went back to the doctor this week. I was only two months past my already past due appointment by about four months. We've already been over the routine that I go through in a past article; but for the newbies, check out July, I think that's where it is. Anyhow, I was back to see the particular doctor that was probably a teacher in a past life because she hands out gold stars if you’ve been doing what you’re supposed to do. I got a gold star which is a good thing. I like to schedule my appointments early in the day. Not the very first appointment, because at 8:00 AM, I’m not really functioning that well. I like to be awake before the poking and prodding begins. Also, the doctors seem to be a little sluggish at that time. I don’t know about you but I don’t want to be wearing that paper gown and hear or see somebody yawn. It might hurt my feelings. After all, you’re sitting there with your business out for everyone to see and people are yawning at you. It might not be that impressive but it ain’t that bad either. I’ve ‘bout worked myself into a fit just thinking about it. Another important fact about early appointments is that you usually get to spend more time with the doctor than the later scheduled ones. The closer to noon or quitting time usually results in visits of ten minutes or less. Of course, that could be a good thing if you don’t like to go to the doctor. I don’t particularly like going to the doctor, but it’s a necessary evil. Where else can you do what you are supposed to be doing and get a gold star? Now, if she would only start awarding monetary prizes.

Back Room Banter

It was off to another trip to the doctor. A little different this time, I got to go see my eye doctor, who is an ophthalmologist and a really funny guy. He is Harvard-educated (which is a good thing) and always seems to remember what you were talking about from one visit to the next. Unlike most doctor visits these days, my eye doctor handled the entire visit from beginning to end, by himself. He called me to the back office, placed me in an examining room, dilated my eyes and then sent me back to another waiting room to let my eyes grow wide and my pupils dilate. The whole pupil dilating thing is an amazing, if not peculiar feeling. How can two little drops of whatever make your eyes do that? It's like someone has a balloon in your eye and is trying to blow it up, that's how it feels to me anyway. I was sitting by myself for a few minutes just enjoying the quietness of the back room waiting area. Presently, I was joined by a nice looking elderly lady who had just received the same treatment. The following is the conversation that took place: "Hey, nice weather we're having, where you from?" asked the lady. "Yep, the weather is nice. I'm from the next town up north." I replied. "Me too, where do you live?" she questioned. "I live out Main St close to Sellers Ave,” I said. She shrugged her shoulders at me and we continued to sit in silence, each seemingly lost in our own thoughts. "You look familiar to me," she said. "That wasn't your property that they found them marijuana plants on, was it? They said it was on Sellers St." "Excuse me?" "They had an article and a picture in the paper about it; you look like that lady in the paper." "I'm sorry, I don't know what you're talking about," I responded. "I think I still have last week's paper in my bag." She dug around in her bag and proceeded to fish out a copy of last week's paper that had the pot bust on the front page. "See, here it is," and she handed me the paper. At that time, the doctor came back out to get me (I was dilated) and gestured me into another examining room. I glanced down at the paper to see if I could find the article. Sure enough, there was a story and an accompanying photo detailing the whole story. I told my doctor about what had happened; he chuckled and said that she was here to get new glasses. It seems she hadn't had a new pair in about 20 years. I can see somewhat how she came to the conclusion that I was the busted pot grower. The marijuana was grown on East Sellers St. I live near West Sellars Ave. on the other end of town. I don't know how she came up with the picture though; the picture was of two beefy, burly looking individuals with full beards. When I was finished with my appointment I had to use the ladies room on the way out. I had opened the door and could hear the lady telling the doctor about my alleged criminal activities. He replied that it wasn't me, it was a picture of two gruff looking men, and that I lived on West Sellars Ave. not East Sellers St. "Oh dear," she said. "I guess I need new glasses after all. But, I still think she looked like that lady in the picture."