Another You Be The Judge

Can you guess how big this fish is? I caught it on my recent birthday trip to Savannah, GA. I can't say for sure, but I think it may be a record.

What Day Is It?

I have no idea what day it is. I do know I had an excellent birthday. I came home from my trip to the beach and was met with a septic problem and thunderstorms that resulted in an almost 24 hour power outage. (I shouldn't complain; Mom lost power for over two days.) Brother is somewhere in the Atlantic sipping on Pina Coladas and the New Cat is keeping Mom company since Aunt Phyllis had to go back to work. Friend got sick on my birthday and started throwing up everyhwere. I was out of clothes that were somewhat clean so I had to go to the laundromat. It's the only place that I know of that still allows smoking...inside the building. That story is a whole blog post in itself. Anyhow, I'm off to Mom's tomorrow to retrieve the New Cat and to help her decide what stays and what gets tossed from the fridge and freezer. Knowing her, if it ain't got green stuff on it, it's a keeper. Of course, I took pictures of everything and I hope to get those up as soon as I can figure out where I put the camera...

It's My Birthday...Year III

It sure is going to take a lot of hot air to blow out all these candles. Having problems deciding on what to get me for my birthday? Just leave me a comment and that will be just fine. (Except, of course, my family members and inner circle of friends. I'm sure you have spent weeks looking for just the perfect gift, and it's in the mail, right?) MA Fat Woman

Tough Times...Part II...Year 2

"That will be $88.32," said the cashier. "What are you talking about? You haven't rung up any of my stuff yet." "Well, that lady said you were going to pay for her groceries. She said that you were her Great Niece and that you take her out to Walmart once a month to purchase the things she need." "I don't know who that woman is, I've never seen her before today and I'm certainly not paying for her groceries," I replied. "Well, Ma'am, she said she knew you. You were being very friendly towards her. Are you running some sort of scam? If you are, you could be charged with shoplifting or as an accessory." "I don't know that woman, and I am not running some sort of scam. Why do you let people walk away without paying for their stuff? You better call security. Where did she go? She's gonna get away with it if we don't go find her. Come on, let's see if she is still in the parking lot." At that moment, the cashier, the security guard, the manager and myself went running outside to see if the lady was still in the parking lot. As we looked over the parking lot the Walmart employees began to look at me suspiciously. They thought I was a part of this lady's scam. All I had been doing was being nice--lending a sympathetic ear. I had been taught to be polite to my elders, and now, I might end up in jail. I really didn't want to go to jail. I know they provide three hots and a cot but I got this thing about confined places. They make me a little edgy. I was surveying the parking lot and there putting the last of her bags into the trunk of her 2010 Cadillac SRX was that nice old lady that was trying to stick me with her grocery bill. The nerve of that woman--telling me such a sob story about her finances, her handicapped son and paying a thousand dollar a month for insurance premiums. I pointed to her car and all of us went running over to where she was parked. "Lady, what are you doing? What are you trying to pull? You almost got me arrested for shoplifting. I've never seen you before today. I didn't want you to think I was being rude, so, I listened while you went on and on about all of your troubles, and here you are driving a Cadillac. Would you kindly tell me and the others here what kind of scam you are trying to pull?" At that, the lady took one look at the cashier, the manager and the security guard and her shoulders just slumped in surrender. She looked past them and began to shuffle her feet as she fought for the words to explain this situation. "I bet you're wondering what this is all about," she said. We all nodded our heads in unison and waited patiently for the answer. "All of that stuff I told you in the store...about my finances, raising my kids, losing everything I had because of those high insurance rates...Well, I was just pulling your leg just like I'm pulling yours now. Gotcha! I told this story last year and I liked it so much, I told it again, with a few updates! Happy April's Fool Day!

Tough Times...Part I...Year 2

I had to go to Walmart the other day to pick up a few things I needed and took my cart over to the checkout lanes when I finished. Of course, all of the lines were extremely long so I just settled into line behind a little old lady that closely resembled my late Granny. "Oh, my goodness!" she exclaimed. "I don't know how these people can get away with charging 3 dollars for a loaf of bread. I'm just a little old lady on a fixed income and I can't afford these prices. I stayed at home my whole life caring for my husband and my children only to be left nearly penniless by some fat cat insurance company in New York. Health Care reform, I think that's what they are calling it. A thousand dollars a month for health insurance, who would pay that? I was hoping to have an easier time in my Golden Years and now I can barely afford food for me and my handicapped son. I had to leave him out in the car because I upset him when I get to complaining about these prices. I don't mean to, but I'm doing the best I can." "I'm sorry to hear that," I said. I felt sorry for the lady, I really did. Times are tough all over. I knew exactly how that lady felt about those astronomical premiums, I've been paying them myself. It was finally her turn to begin placing her items up on the register belt and she began talking to the cashier and pointing to me in a friendly manner. I wasn't really paying attention to what they were talking about. I had just discovered a copy of The Global Wacko News that had Tim Ruse on the cover saying that he was the reincarnation of Lon R Cupboard and was trying to convert the world into his new class of Cosmetology that would be opening new centers worldwide whenever he had another hit movie and earned enough money to do so. (Good luck with that.) The little old lady kept gesturing and smiling at me. I didn't want to be rude so I gave a little half-smile and nodded in agreement to whatever they were so animated about. You know what I'm talking about. When somebody tells a joke and you laugh along anyway even though you don't get it. By now, there was enough space on the belt for me to begin placing my purchases alongside the lady's items. My first item was a huge 16-roll pack of toilet paper that was on sale and it separated my things from hers. It also separated me from her as she gave another wave and headed out the door. "That was awfully nice of you," said the cashier. "Your Great Aunt said you was going to pay for her groceries. That will be $88.32." "Excuse me..."

Plans For My Birthday

I bet some of you might have forgotten that my birthday is fast approaching. In case you have, it's April 4, and by the way, there's still time to get my present in the mail. If you're having trouble deciding what a great gift might be for me, money is always nice. Anyhow, starting out things in true, typical MAFW fashion, I started out the week with a bad haircut and car trouble. I thought I had learned my lesson regarding getting my hair cut at a particular place but I actually got a decent cut there last time, but alas, it was not meant to be. I like short hair, but this time the lady scalped me. I left the salon rubbing my head, wondering where my hair had went and hopped into the Mustang hoping to get the hell out of there before I threw a fit. (I'm not vain by any means, but I do like to have a nice hairdo.) Well, somebody forgot to tell Sally that I was ready to go because she wouldn't even turn over, let alone crank. Great. Nice. What else? I popped the hood and stared in wonder at all of the things that I knew nothing about. At that point, the lady that had just chopped my hair up stepped out of the salon for a smoke. "Car trouble?" she asked. (Here's your sign!) I basically ignored her but she continued to look in my direction. "You know, your hair is really short. I guess I did cut it too short. Oh, well, it will grow back." I started to flip her off, but decided not to; that's not very ladylike. I'll think long and hard before I go back there. Anyhow, not sure what's wrong with the car. It could be the battery, starter or alternator. I'll worry about that when I get back from my trip. I'm going to Savannah for a long weekend. I'm especially looking forward to the ghost tour that I'm taking. I hope to eat at Paula Deen's restaurant again and have a pint in the Irish Pub down on River Street. If you're in town and you see a MAFW with a really bad hairdo, don't be afraid to say hi. Cheers!

Dear Aunt Phyllis,

Hey! Hi! Remember me? I was really new to the family when you met me at Thanksgiving last year. I was kinda quiet, sorta nervous around all you new people. Not anymore...I'm really LOUD! In fact, Mamma G. says I never shut up. I just don't want you to be alarmed and nervous when I get excited about something; which is pretty much everything. Did I say really LOUD? And you can't shush me either. There's nothing wrong, I just like to be heard. I still get a little nervous about the opossums, chickens and other cats that are outside. That's why I'm strictly an indoorsy kind of guy. Don't let me outside even if I ask you really LOUDLY, one of those other critters might get me. I like half a can of Fancy Feast in the morning and then the other half in the evening. I like treats a few times a day. And a small piece of lunch meat too, if there is any... If you can't find me, I like to sleep under the stairs sometimes. I may try to sit on your lap or sleep on your head too. And I'll probably say 'hi' really LOUDLY in the middle of the night just when you're about to fall into a deep sleep. But really, I'm no trouble at all. Of course, Mamma G. likes to call me trouble sometimes; I'm not sure why. Anyhow, I'm glad you're coming to stay with me. Make sure you notice Mom's backsplash! Oh, and I think she said something about sheetrock...whatever that is? See ya soon, Ralph (Ralphie) Malph (The new cat) P.S. You are still coming, right?