Wanna Hear Something Funny?

The following are telephone conversations that took place recently between my mom, sister and me: Mom: "Watcha' been up to?" Me:  "Not much; working on my new book." Mom: "Oh, I see.  When are you going to let me read more of it?" Me:  "When it's finished!  Why haven't you called?" Mom: "I been busy and the phone works both ways, you know." Me: "I know that, but sometimes, I'm just testing you--make sure you don't forget about me." Mom: "Well, I may be forgetting some things these days but you're certainly not one of them." Me: "Thanks." Mom: "Hey. What was your name again?" Me: "Mom!" Mom: "Ha! Just teasing you--you ain't the only one with a sense of humor, ya know?  Wanna hear something funny?" Me: "Sure." Mom: "Well, I have some new folks I'm pet sitting for and they have a German Shepherd and a big black mixed dog. I took them both out on the leash at the  same time and the black dog turned around real quick like--almost like he was scared of something. It caught me off guard and knocked me off balance; I ended up on the ground. The next thing I recall was that the German Shepherd came at me over my head and jumped on the black dog.  I thought, 'this is it; I'm going to be attacked by them for sure.' Well, the German Shepherd wasn't attacking me, he was jumping the other dog. He must have thought that I was being attacked." Me: Silence. Mom: "That German Shepherd is a nice dog; he really likes me." Me: : "That isn't funny at all; you could have been killed. You know I don't like it when you take on new clients..." Mom: "Harrumph! I can take care of myself.  You're just like your father; you worry too much. I gotta go, Wheel of Fortune is on." Me: "Okay, bye. (Calling my sister.) Have you talked to mom lately?" Sister: "No, why?" Me: "She got pulled to the ground by a big dog and then another dog jumped the other dog over her head." Sister: "What kind of dog was it?" Me: "German Shepherd." Sister:  "Oh, they are very protective." Me: "She could have been hurt." Sister:  "You worry too much; you get more like dad everyday.  I gotta go, Wheel of Fortune is on." Does anyone else fail to see the humor in this? Or is it just me?

One L Or Two

One thing I've been wondering about lately is the correct spelling of the word canceled. Or is it cancelled? I've seen the word everywhere. Every time you watch television lately, schools have been canceled, plane flights have been cancelled and I have even seen it spelled canculled. I did a search on Google and canceled is American English and cancelled is British or Canadian English. Either spelling is deemed correct. I spell the word with two L's. I'm certainly not British or Canadian, although I have been to both countries. Another word that gives me the same problem is traveled. Or is it travelled? According to the same source that gave me the info on canculled; one L is American and two L's is British or Canadian. I spell that word with one L. So, what does that make me? Well, I surely know my ABC's. I guess I'm an American-British-Canadian! Go figure!

I Guess He Was Hungry

News reports have indicated that the economy is improving, albeit at a glacier-like pace. I'm still watching my pennies, clipping coupons and buying things on sale. I think my days of paying full price for anything are gone, and I really don't think that there is anything wrong with that. If you ask me, things are way too over priced anyway. Anyhow, one of the things that I kept in my budget was a simple random act of kindness and that was to pay for the order behind me at the drive through on different occasions. The other day I was waiting to pay for my order and glimpsed a young man in a ratty old pickup truck behind me. What caught my eye was that he seemed to digging for something, probably loose change; I should know that look because I have done it often enough myself. I asked the clerk at the window how much the next order was going to be. It was only going to be $2.14, so I told him that I wanted to pay for it. (Even I could afford that!) While I drove ahead to the next window to receive my order I watched in the rear view mirror to see what his reaction would be. Well, lo and behold, that young man gave me a wave and had the biggest grin you've ever seen--he really seemed excited. I received my order and exited the parking lot heading on a road that ran behind the restaurant. As I was going around the back of the restaurant I saw the same kid in the same truck had just driven around the restaurant and got back in line to go through the whole ordering process once again. I'll never know the reason he went back through the line--maybe he didn't get a straw with his order or maybe he was just plain hungry…after all, he did have an extra $2.14!

Do You Like My Tail?

Do you like my tail? I look good when I'm napping, don't I?

On A First Name Basis...Again

Since I've joined the Social Media Revolution and started using sites like Twitter and Facebook I have reconnected with a lot of people from my past such as childhood friends, past coworkers and even a few of my teachers. At first, I thought it was a bit odd receiving likes and comments from folks that used to give me a grade for conduct on a daily basis. I mean I was a pretty good student and such but I still felt self-conscious about posting commentary about "swamp ass" and "hemorrhoids." Recently, I wished one of my former teachers a happy birthday. My teacher said you can drop the mister because everyone just calls me Ron. Well, I was a bit reluctant to do this but in further email exchanges I dropped the mister and called him Ron. A few weeks later I was telling Mom what had happened and she stopped what she was doing, looked at me and said in a serious tone, "That is something that you don't do. Your teachers taught you very well and you still need to show them respect. Ron will always be Mr. Smart to you and don't you forget it." Well, when L.M. Palmer speaks, I listen. So, listed below are my former teachers and what they learned me... Mrs. Jones - (Art) I still have my hand print from kindergarten and my silhouette portrait from second grade. Mr. Smart - (Science & Basketball Coach) Don't be afraid to take the shot. Mr. Whitford - (Band) He switched me from trumpet to baritone and it took me all the way to Europe. Mr. Breeze - (History) Tidbits of useless information did indeed pay off in later life; not too many people can beat me at Trivial Pursuit. Mrs. Gray - (Math) It's been 25 years but I can still do Algebra. Maybe not take the equation all the way down to X=O, but pretty darn close. Mrs. Smith - (English) The Outsiders is still one of my favorite stories. Mrs. Raines  Shoemaker -  (Health & P.E.)  The most embarrassing question a ninth-grader could possibly ask during sex education class.  "How big is the average male penis?" So I say thank you to all of you; you taught me very well!

Conversations From A Digestive System

"Holy Crap! What was that?" "Hey, Biggy, (large intestine) you push anything out yet?" "Yo, Smalls, (small intestine) it hasn't even made it here yet!" "Hey, Mack, (stomach) what's going on up there?" "Fish and chips without the chips. Ribeye steak without the tater. Fried chicken with no mashed potatoes. Asparagus." "Fresh cole slaw made from scratch. Hey MAFW? Are you trying to kill us down here?" said Mack. "I ain't recognized anything you've been putting in me. Where's the tater chips?" "Yeah! Hey, Lady? We ain't had a biscuit down here in about three months. Ya trying to starve us or somethin'?" said Smalls. "Hey, Lady? Smalls is right. Are you paying attention to us? I ain't seen any greasy cheeseburgers in a long time. My walls are even starting to come clean from all that ruffage crap you been feeding us. Ruffage; now, that's funny!" said Biggy. "Hey, Mack! She's been eating R-U-F-F-A-G-E." "Ruffage! LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL! Oh my! You've never eaten ruffage before. The next thing you know you'll be eating beets and rutabagas. Hey, fellas? The MAFW is gonna start eating beets and parsnips...lololol" "Beets? Yuck!" said Smalls. "I hope she stays away from the onions; those things stink!" "Yo, anyone seen Chubs (fat) lately?" asked Biggy. "Fellas, you don't have to worry about the onions; I'm allergic, remember? But, I am trying to get healthy, so ya'll better shape up. As for Chubs, he's down about 30 pounds and has learned to keep his mouth shut. Now, where did I put that recipe for pickled beets....."

Waiting For Discounts

I've become quite the bargain shopper lately. I check the weekly circulars, do price matching at Walmart and even check out that television show called Extreme Couponing for any inside tricks or tips that I may be missing. Money is still hard to come by for some folks so why not save where you can is my motto. One trick I have learned is never buy special occasion candy or gifts before the special occasion---if you can help it. You may be accused of being cheap, but it's definitely worth it to wait until the day after. Why? Because everything is usually 50% off or more; you can get twice the candy or gifts for the same money you would have spent the day before. Smart, right? I found myself at one of the local drug stores the day after Valentine's Day getting my mom her annual box of candy in the heart-shaped box. After walking to the aisle where I thought the candy was located I was shocked and annoyed to find that there was hardly anything left. Maybe, one box of sweethearts and a couple small boxes of dark, orange-flavored candies was all that was left on the shelf. Yuck! Who in the world would eat that? "Can I help you find anything?" a store associate asked. "Yeah, I was looking for the leftover Valentine's Candy," I replied. "I'm sorry; we got ravished last night," she said. 'This is all we have left." "Oh, okay. Is it 50% off?" I asked. "I'm not sure. Let me ask my manager, she said. While she was asking her supervisor, a young man, I was still checking out the non-existent candy aisle--talk about disappointing. I was still standing in front of the empty shelves when the manager went to check somebody out at the register. He could see me eyeing the shelves and I'm sure sensed my disappointment from halfway across the store. "Yeah, we got slammed last light; there isn't much left. Why are you looking there?" he asked. "I thought this was where the candy was supposed to be." "No, ma'am. We moved it to Aisle 15 at the back of the store," he said. "Really? I better head back there." I started walking to the back of the store and had just reached the discounted candy--there was still a large selection of colorful, heart-shaped boxes to choose from when I heard someone approaching at a hurried pace.  It was the manager and he was heading right to me. "Oh, good, it's still here. I saw this earlier and thought it was a good price," he said grabbing a large box. "No sense paying full price for something like this---especially in this economy." It was one of those super large boxes of chocolates.  The last one.  (Sorry, Mom) A man after my own heart…