More Crumbly Biscuits

I'm a pretty easy going kinda girl but there are a few things that get on my nerves. One thing that I seem to be having difficulty with lately are biscuits. Not just any biscuits, but crumbly biscuits. I'm not talking about the kind of biscuits that you make at home. You know, you smack the can against the counter or stick a knife into the can and wait on edge until it pops. Those biscuits aren't crumbly; they have too many artificial ingredients in them to fall apart. I'm talking about fast food biscuits. Most of the time, I eat fast food biscuits in the car. And no matter how many different ways I try holding it or arranging the wrapper or adding an extra napkin a large chunk of biscuit falls off, usually into my lap. I then end up doing the brush off or picking up tiny crumbs constantly looking down to find any leftovers and swerving all over the road. What's really bad is if I am going to work and then I end up with a big grease spot. At least I know it's a grease spot. I've gotten looks before and I knew what they were thinking: That I somehow had gotten one of those wet-looking spots that men get when they hadn't utilized the old shake or tap method. Nasty! One of the first things I need to do when getting out of the car is check myself for biscuit crumbs. The problem is that by the time I get to where I'm going I have forgotten all about it. I was made well aware of this fact not to long ago when I met mom for a shopping trip. As we were walking back to the car she commented, "You know ya got a big 'ol biscuit crumb sticking to your butt." "Dang it! I hate crumbly biscuits. They get everywhere." "I know," she said. "I've switched to wraps. They aren't crumbly, but I have a hard time keeping the egg from falling out. I still end up with a grease spot sometimes; make me look like I didn't do the old wave and shake, ha ha. You'd think they would be able to fix that problem?" "Maybe no one ever complained about it?" I said. "Yep, you're probably right. I wonder who we could call?"

An Ode To EBWW '12

The time was here and it was time to go, Northward, and upward, to Dayton to show That I'm a writer, I belong, No apologies, you know? The phone rang at five with Sharon on the line, We're here in the bar with EB and the gang. Are you coming tonight in support of our Wanda? In case you forgot, she won Honorable Mention. Tracy, of Lost in Suburbia fame was the featured speaker, Another faculty member was there too, but I can't pronounce her name It's Wojciechowski of Wojo's World. Nice to meet you, she said. How do you pronounce your name? It's Gianetta, I said and I'll sit right there, Oh, no you won't, not in that chair. Could you move to the left said the feeble old voice, A gray-haired lady helped make my choice. A neighbor of Erma's, she turned out to be She hated going places where she just couldn't see. At the hotel with business cards in hand, I was hanging with Rose, EB and the gang Introducing myself to everyone I saw Another faculty member, it's Suzette, ya'll Then there was Donna, Steve, Bonnie and Jeanne Too many others, as I worked the scene Over to a table where they quietly sat Two ladies with journals and paper to pen I'm Gianetta, I said; it's sure nice to meet you. You're the middle-aged fat woman, one said and we read you! Unbelievable, I thought; it's finally happened Acknowledgment for my craft and they weren't even kin. Onward to dinner with Donna Louise and friends Which started a tradition; perhaps a new trend. For every meal of which I was to partake My table's food was absent, impossibly late. The ballroom was jumping, we were feeling alive When up stepped Zweibel from Saturday Night Live. Stories of Lorne, Gilda and he Comic talents unleashed for the world to see Morning dawned bright as I searched the round tables, Searching for an agent was the topic I chose No agents were there, we wondered and supposed. Off to the lectures of Lefler and Berk Beautifully talented women with knowledge to share Approachable, engaging with time to spare. Answering questions from a rookie like me Keep on writing, it'll happen, you'll see. The noon meal was spent with a Pulitzer Prize Winner You're a writer, she said, we need more women. More voices to spread the joy of laughter Oh crap, I thought, I've got to meet her. Gianetta, she said. Did I pronounce that right? Tell me about yourself, what is it that you do? Hello? Are you in there? Cat got your tongue? The silence was looming; I was completely stunned. Only once before had I lost my voice My first time on radio announcing the news Uh, Pulitzer Prize winner, I'm in awe, can't you see I'm the Middle Aged Fat Woman, people call me G. Well, I think you're beautiful, a fellow Buckeye too. Do you have a card, she asked? Why yes, why yes, I most certainly do. Lights! Camera! Video with the Bobblehead Dad Videos are great to add pizzazz to your brand. Let the readers know what you're all about This iPhone right here, I can't live without. No time to rest, no time to change gears We left the UD Campus with knowledge to spare. Back to the Marriott for another late arriving meal To hear Adrianna speak of growing up well Well represented in a big Italian family A Cosby Show Writer fresh from Indiana. Big Stone Gap and many others to follow Laughter, applauding making it difficult to swallow. The entrée of choice wasn't a favorite of mind Thank goodness for dessert, chocolate, my favorite kind. There I stood waiting patiently in the drink line When a Bombeck approached, with a thought on her mind. We spoke of our mothers, not so different Both women of Ohio; trendsetters and gifted. Little sleep in the night; I was too wound up Back the next day for some Hypnotic Recall. My visit from Dad and a message for me Hey, kid you're doing all right, I'm really glad to see. More chatting and visiting with my new found friends Geneva,Carolyn, Leigh and lunch with Ilene Beckerman The story of her grandmother and growing up in New York In Goldberg's candy store, where they ate no pork. Another book signed and me late for class I slipped in the back in the next to last seat. Soon I was joined by the lunch time speaker Ilene, my goodness sitting right next to me. Do you Twitter she asked, awaiting my reply? Not enough I'm finding out but I really do try. It's hard for me to get right to the point I'm Southern now, and I like things drawn out. We planted a spruce in honor of Erma A kid walked by and asked what's this, I'm from Burma. Celebrating a life that made us all laugh He nodded and bowed, what a life she had. Dinner that night was with Gina B. Whilst going steady with the toilet paper roll Is the funniest thing I've heard It 'bout made me pee. Astoundingly funny is all I can say What a way to end it; to wrap up the day. So there you have it My ode to the Erma Bombeck Writer's Workshop. Erma would have loved it …And poked fun at it!

Necrotizing Fasciitis...Brother's Leg...A Six Year Journey

Remember this? This is what necrotizing fasciitis can do to you. And thankfully, my brother only lost his little toe. This photo was taken in August 2008. Makes you want to advert your eyes, doesn't it? But, that was then. Almost six years have passed. This is what his leg and foot look like now. It doesn't look pretty, that's for sure. But at least it's still there. And almost healed....

Wordless Wednesday...Could You Survive This?

Blame It On The Weather

This seems to be the winter that never ends. I have been around snow since November and I don't like it one bit. When mom and I took our trip to Germany right after Thanksgiving it was snowing  a day or so after we arrived. When we got home we had to go to Ohio and it was snowing there. And the snow in Atlanta? Well--I think you saw all of the misery that thousands went through during Snowjam1. We thawed out from that and then last week right before Valentine's Day, Snowjam2 made an appearance. I took a few pictures and it sure is pretty to look at but I moved and stayed south for a reason: I DON"T LIKE SNOW! I'll say it again. I DON'T LIKE SNOW! Well, I certainly feel better. Another thing about all of this white stuff is the green stuff that is leaving your wallet. I had to buy propane TWICE in the month of January. And mom, well, she had a $425 power bill. Somebody needs to be smacked--sending a bill like that to someone that lives on a fixed income. Shame on you, power company! So, since we took our trip of a lifetime, had Christmas and now have about frozen to death, our pockets are a bit lean.   No eating out. No movies. We were staying home and communicating through the telephone and email. We wanted to get together for Valentine's Day; mom said she had a gift card. I was sticking to my usual plan of buying her annual heart-shaped box of candy the day after Valentine's Day. Of course, I got snowed in and wasn't able to get to the store until the 15th so it should have worked out great. Or so I thought. I went to CVS which usually has a large selection to choose from. I started looking at the shelf tags listing the prices looking for the 50% off stickers. I didn't see any. Finally, I went to the counter and asked the clerk. "Isn't the Valentine's Day candy marked down?" "Nope," she said.  "Since we all got snowed in, management decided that enough people hadn't paid full price yet." Seeing my frown, she continued, "I know, I know. I could have sold a lot of candy today. I guess we'll just have to blame it on the weather." I guess so. Poor Mother Nature--she must be plum wore out.

Happy Valentine's Day

I was looking through Valentine's Day cards the other day trying to find just the perfect ones to give to family and friends when I became totally disgusted at how expensive they were--five bucks for a card--I don't think so. Anyhow, being the somewhat intelligent and extremely clever person that I am, I remembered getting valentines when I was in school for everyone in my class and they all came in one box. Voila! What a great idea! They each came with their own envelope and were generally large enough to be sent through the mail. The sayings might be seen as childish, but others might think they were cute and I could always insert a heartfelt hand written note inside. Plus, there were usually thirty cards in a box and they came relatively cheap. It sounded like a good idea... ...but? ...but? I didn't know it would be so damn hard to find a box of ordinary old-timey valentines. Geesh! Here I was at Wallyworld and the only thing I could find was Justin Beiber, One Direction and Taylor Swift, and they weren't even regular valentines; they were stickers and activity sets. No, thanks. You can keep them! I left there and went to another store, then another and finally ended up at Dollar General, where I struck gold, or, so I thought. They had boxes of valentines but the cards didn't come with any envelopes. Crap. I reached further down into the display where the cards were and I pulled out the very last box of valentines that had envelops. I was excited that something had finally gone my way, made my purchase and tore into the box of valentines as soon as I got into the car. It wasn't too long before my excitement began to fade as I realized that all of the cards had the same picture on them: A skunk. Have you ever received a skunky valentine? If I remember correctly, the skunk valentine was given to someone that you didn't like and for some reason I received quite a few. What does that mean?. Do my family and friends really want to receive a Valentine's Day card that says "I love you...and...you're a stinker too?" Happy Valentine's Day! ...Stinky!

Are You Scrunchie-fried?

Woo hoo! Hi! Remember me? I thought you did. I haven't disappeared, I've just been working on my latest book.  It's almost done, too. I would show you a picture of the cover but Blogger doesn't seem to like my photos lately. I'm not taking it personally or anything but it sure is annoying. I have been working on a story about our trip to Europe with pictures and everything, but, well, the Blogger platform isn't cooperating. Hopefully, we'll get that fixed soon. In the meantime, my new book Scrunchie-fried will be available for purchase in the next few weeks. You can always find me on Facebook or Twitter @MAFatWoman. Mom is real excited about Scrunchie-fried. I hope you are, too. I know I am.