Welcomed To Walmart

If you missed my earlier post about the new Walmart opening in my town you can check it out here. So, the big day finally arrived and Walmart threw open its shiny new doors to welcome the citizens of my small town. From what I heard, you'd have thought that the President had come to town. Well, maybe an ex-President, it is somewhat of a Republican lovin' area. I'm not sure if they had a band or not but I think the mayor might have been out there tooting his horn about getting them to come to town. I waited until I thought an appropriate amount of time had passed before I ventured over to check out the store myself. I didn't want to seem too excited. But hey, there ain't much else to do in this place. It was after 5:00 PM when I finally entered the store and as I passed through the doors I was greeted by the nicest man wearing the biggest smile. "Welcome to Walmart," he said. That was very nice I thought to myself. I turned left inside the store and that took me toward the garden department. Along the way I passed 3 associates and was again, "Welcomed to Walmart!" I smile politely and kept moving. Toy department, "Welcome to Walmart." Automotive department, another "Welcome to Walmart." By the time I made it around to the Bakery I swore I was being followed by an Army of blue shirts and khaki panted soldiers all chanting in unison, "Welcome to Walmart!" Holy Crap! I get it! You had me at welcome. I had a hard time leaving the Bakery. I was the fat kid in the candy store and the smells were out of this world. I left the doughnuts alone, and instead went for a freshly baked box of blueberry muffins. Not to go Rachael Ray on ya or anything but, "YUM!" My last stop in the store was the produce section. I wondered what the price of bananas was going to be. Thirty-two cents a pound was what the tag above the display said. Well, that's definitely cheaper, but the selection was bad; the bananas already had brown spots on them. Better luck next time, I guess. I didn't see the chocolate dipped strawberries and they weren't having a wine and cheese tasting event. Maybe that will happen in a few months when all of the welcoming has worn off, what do you think?

Welcome To Walmart

My small town where I live is finally going to be more than a map dot on the old trusty Atlas. We're getting a Walmart. And not just any old Wallyworld, mind you, but a new prototype Walmart as I found out. I was grocery shopping and I approached the produce section hoping to replenish my fruit bowl. I have a wooden bowl that contains apples, oranges and bananas, and sometimes pears if they're not too expensive. I say hoping because I never know if I'm going to get fresh fruit because it costs so much. Anyhow, I was at the banana display and the bananas were marked .49c a lb. (too high). There was a nice looking younger lady with an infant checking out the other side of the display working her way around to me so I could admire her baby, I'm sure. Never one for missing out on a random conversation with a stranger I began our discussion with, "Oh, my, bless your heart, isn't she precious! When Walmart opens in a few days, either the prices are going to come way down or they're going to go through the roof. Forty-nine cents a pound for bananas, isn't that awful?" "Thank you, but she is a he and he is precious. I know what you mean about the Walmart. I got to see it today." "Are they having an open house?" I asked. (Dumb question, I know.) "No. My husband is a manager there. They have chocolate dipped strawberries. It's a prototype of a new, more upscale Walmart. You wouldn't believe how different it is from a normal Walmart. They are going to even have pizza ovens, wine and cheese tastings and all sorts of stuff," she said excitedly. "I can't wait until it opens!" After she walked away and left me standing by the bananas I started really thinking about gourmet strawberries, pizza ovens and fancy cheese. What am I thinking? I'm thinking that the price of my bananas is gonna jump up to $1.49 per pound to pay for all of that new fancy smancy stuff. It opens in a few days. I'll keep you posted...

Tough Times...Part I

I had to go to Walmart the other day to pick up a few things I needed and took my cart over to the checkout lanes when I finished. Of course, all of the lines were extremely long so I just settled into line behind a little old lady that closely resembled my late Granny. "Oh, my goodness!" she exclaimed. "I don't know how these people can get away with charging 3 dollars for a loaf of bread. I'm just a little old lady on a fixed income and I can't afford these prices. I stayed at home my whole life caring for my husband and my children only to be left nearly penniless by some fat cat insurance company in New York. Health Care reform, I think that's what they are calling it. A thousand dollars a month for health insurance, who would pay that? I was hoping to have an easier time in my Golden Years and now I can barely afford food for me and my handicapped son. I had to leave him out in the car because I upset him when I get to complaining about these prices. I don't mean to, but I'm doing the best I can." "I'm sorry to hear that," I said. I felt sorry for the lady, I really did. Times are tough all over. I knew exactly how that lady felt about those astronomical premiums, I've been paying them myself. It was finally her turn to begin placing her items up on the register belt and she began talking to the cashier and pointing to me in a friendly manner. I wasn't really paying attention to what they were talking about. I had just discovered a copy of The Global Wacko News that had Tim Ruse on the cover saying that he was the reincarnation of Lon R Cupboard and was trying to convert the world into his new class of Cosmetology that would be opening new centers worldwide whenever he had another hit movie and earned enough money to do so. (Good luck with that.) The little old lady kept gesturing and smiling at me. I didn't want to be rude so I gave a little half-smile and nodded in agreement to whatever they were so animated about. You know what I'm talking about. When somebody tells a joke and you laugh along anyway even though you don't get it. By now, there was enough space on the belt for me to begin placing my purchases alongside the lady's items. My first item was a huge 16-roll pack of toilet paper that was on sale and it separated my things from hers. It also separated me from her as she gave another wave and headed out the door. "That was awfully nice of you," said the cashier. "Your Great Aunt said you was going to pay for her groceries. That will be $88.32." "Excuse me..."

Do You Bake?

I was trolling through Walmart the other day along with every other first of the month check recipient (remind me never to do that again) and the joint was hopping. There were chains of old people staggering and wobbling, trying to stay upright. You know when a younger, more agile senior will offer an arm for assistance and it will be grabbed and held onto for dear life. You don't want them to fall and break a hip or something. Anyhow, I saw several groups where they were walking four and five abreast, grimaces on their faces, as skeletal and bony phalanges were dug deeper and deeper into their respective forearms as they struggled to maneuver about the store.. They were making me nervous so I headed on over to the automotive section until they were through with their shopping. After a half hour or so spent looking at the different viscosities of motor oil (who knew)I headed back over to the food section where I noticed a nice looking, older lady who was smiling and motioning in my direction. Never one to miss an opportunity to speak to someone I rolled my cart over to her. "Do you bake?" she asked. "Excuse me?" "I was wondering if you baked?" she asked again. "Well, yes, I do bake from time to time," I replied. "Good, I'm glad I found you. I just wanted to tell you about the great deal they're having on pie shells. They overstocked from Christmas and now they are only a quarter each." "Wow! That is a good deal. I'll have to tell my mom about it. Thanks for telling me," I said. "I was just finishing up my part of the bargain," she said. Before I could ask what she meant she said that the lady that told her about the sale said she had to tell someone else to keep the chain going. And before I could get the words what chain out of my mouth I saw them. A chain of the seniors that I had run from earlier were staggering towards me with an armload of frozen pie shells. I'm not exactly sure what happened next but one started to slip, one tripped, another lost her glasses and down they all went. Can you say cleanup on Aisle 4? Well, I did what every smart person would do, I grabbed a couple of pie shells and got the hell out of there. Later, as I was telling mom about what had happened, she was all into it, agreeing I had done the right things until I got to the end. With a quizzical look on her face she wanted to know why I had only gotten two pie shells.

Amish Cheese

I was excited about taking my niece back to Ohio. She had spent almost six weeks visiting with her Grandma this summer and had spent several afternoons with me at the old fishing hole. We were going to take the long way home and spend a few days in the county that I was born and raised. It's a nice area filled with farms, farms and more farms. It has several small towns, a Walmart, and several local tastee freezes known locally for their pizza burgers. (Yummy) It is also known for its large and thriving Amish community that owns and operates several small family markets. The markets carry everything from furniture, freshly baked goods, homemade cakes and pies to a wide assortment of meats and cheeses. My favorite is the Colby cheese. I don't know where they get the recipe but it is simply delicious. I usually get about a one pound chunk that is cut directly from a huge block with a big wooden handled knife. The young girl will weigh it (its almost exactly a pound every time) and wrap it up in the plain white paper like they used to have in the old days and seal it with a piece of tape. I barely make it out to the car before I have ripped it open and torn myself off a big chunk. There is a responsibility to other family members when you make the trip back home. As I sat in the car sending text messages to my mom, brother and sister asking what they wanted me to bring them, my niece is silently watching me while nibbling on a piece of cheese. My phone beeped three times signaling me to view the responses. "That's good cheese," my niece said. "What do they want you to get them?" I showed her the phone and all three messages said the exact same thing: Cheese. "Well, good minds think alike," she said. My point exactly!