Somewhere Dad is Laughing...Lawnmower Blues...Part II

As the owner of the cheapest push mower available, I dread the day when I have to mow the grass. It usually takes at least 5 pulls on the cord before the engine will putter, stutter, strain, go BANG and then go POW. (This tends to make my nervous tic, tic twice as fast.) My arm is about to fall off, and I have rope burns on my arm from where the cord wouldn't pull out fully and has caused me to fall on the ground. (I think I remember this from my childhood.) As I allow myself the opportunity to cool both my temper and my body, my eyes slide over to the sparkling, gleaming riding mower with the numbly things still on the tires and my temper flares again. (Big piece of junk)(Why does everything have to be so hard?) I pull the cord once more and surprisingly the engine sputters to life. If I'm careful with the push mower I am able to mow in 10 minute increments before something causes it to cut off. Thus goes year 3 in the life cycle of my beautiful relatively new riding mower. It sits in the basement, wheels locked into place looking totally innocent while screaming "Sucker" to anyone who walks by. (Dad is saying somewhere, "That's my girl!")...to be cont'd

Grocery Store Blues and Blahs

At some point in time you're gonna have to go to the grocery store. And once you get inside those doors, (let me tell you) you are going to be experiencing sensations that you've never felt before. What sensations am I speaking of? How about frustration. As you begin your walk down the vegetable aisle your glance takes you to the lettuce section,(a salad for supper would be nice you think to yourself.) $3.99 for romaine hearts....nope. Moving on you spy a salad mixture that contains different kinds of lettuce, carrots and radishes for $3.79....your lips purse and you raise your left eyebrow. Next, you come to a head of lettuce...it's $1.89. Okay, you might be able to work with this. Now you need to get some tomatoes($2.49), carrots($1.99), mushrooms($4.29), and lastly cucumbers($1.99). Doing a quick mathematical computation in your head you realize that you have over $12.00 worth of produce in your basket for one salad...no way. As you reverse your steps and place everything back in its proper location your mood suddenly improves....Wait a middle, you're the middle-aged fat woman, you don't like salad anyway.