Tough Times...Part II

"That will be $88.32," said the cashier. "What are you talking about? You haven't rung up any of my stuff yet." "Well, that lady said you were going to pay for her groceries. She said that you were her Great Niece and that you take her out to Walmart once a month to purchase the things she need." "I don't know who that woman is, I've never seen her before today and I'm certainly not paying for her groceries," I replied. "Well, Ma'am, she said she knew you. You were being very friendly towards her. Are you running some sort of scam? If you are, you could be charged with shoplifting or as an accessory." "I don't know that woman, and I am not running some sort of scam. Why do you let people walk away without paying for their stuff? You better call security. Where did she go? She's gonna get away with it if we don't go find her. Come on, let's see if she is still in the parking lot." At that moment, the cashier, the security guard, the manager and myself went running outside to see if the lady was still in the parking lot. As we looked over the parking lot the Walmart employees began to look at me suspiciously. They thought I was a part of this lady's scam. All I had been doing was being nice--lending a sympathetic ear. I had been taught to be polite to my elders, and now, I might end up in jail. I really didn't want to go to jail. I know they provide three hots and a cot but I got this thing about confined places. They make me a little edgy. I was surveying the parking lot and there putting the last of her bags into the trunk of her 2010 Cadillac SRX was that nice old lady that was trying to stick me with her grocery bill. The nerve of that woman--telling me such a sob story about her finances, her handicapped son and paying a thousand dollar a month for insurance premiums. I pointed to her car and all of us went running over to where she was parked. "Lady, what are you doing? What are you trying to pull? You almost got me arrested for shoplifting. I've never seen you before today. I didn't want you to think I was being rude, so, I listened while you went on and on about all of your troubles, and here you are driving a Cadillac. Would you kindly tell me and the others here what kind of scam you are trying to pull?" At that, the lady took one look at the cashier, the manager and the security guard and her shoulders just slumped in surrender. She looked past them and began to shuffle her feet as she fought for the words to explain this situation. "I bet you're wondering what this is all about," she said. We all nodded our heads in unison and waited patiently for the answer. "All of that stuff I told you in the store...about my finances, raising my kids, losing everything I had because of those high insurance rates...Well, I was just pulling your leg just like I'm pulling yours now. Gotcha! I told this story last year and I liked it so much, I told it again, with a few updates! Happy April's Fool Day!

Tough Times...Part I

I had to go to Walmart the other day to pick up a few things I needed and took my cart over to the checkout lanes when I finished. Of course, all of the lines were extremely long so I just settled into line behind a little old lady that closely resembled my late Granny. "Oh, my goodness!" she exclaimed. "I don't know how these people can get away with charging 3 dollars for a loaf of bread. I'm just a little old lady on a fixed income and I can't afford these prices. I stayed at home my whole life caring for my husband and my children only to be left nearly penniless by some fat cat insurance company in New York. Health Care reform, I think that's what they are calling it. A thousand dollars a month for health insurance, who would pay that? I was hoping to have an easier time in my Golden Years and now I can barely afford food for me and my handicapped son. I had to leave him out in the car because I upset him when I get to complaining about these prices. I don't mean to, but I'm doing the best I can." "I'm sorry to hear that," I said. I felt sorry for the lady, I really did. Times are tough all over. I knew exactly how that lady felt about those astronomical premiums, I've been paying them myself. It was finally her turn to begin placing her items up on the register belt and she began talking to the cashier and pointing to me in a friendly manner. I wasn't really paying attention to what they were talking about. I had just discovered a copy of The Global Wacko News that had Tim Ruse on the cover saying that he was the reincarnation of Lon R Cupboard and was trying to convert the world into his new class of Cosmetology that would be opening new centers worldwide whenever he had another hit movie and earned enough money to do so. (Good luck with that.) The little old lady kept gesturing and smiling at me. I didn't want to be rude so I gave a little half-smile and nodded in agreement to whatever they were so animated about. You know what I'm talking about. When somebody tells a joke and you laugh along anyway even though you don't get it. By now, there was enough space on the belt for me to begin placing my purchases alongside the lady's items. My first item was a huge 16-roll pack of toilet paper that was on sale and it separated my things from hers. It also separated me from her as she gave another wave and headed out the door. "That was awfully nice of you," said the cashier. "Your Great Aunt said you was going to pay for her groceries. That will be $88.32." "Excuse me..."

Leaving A Concert

A while back I mentioned my concern about going to a concert because of the size of the seats. It was one of those once-in-a-lifetime events that you are lucky to see once in your lifetime. It was an Eric Clapton concert and was opened by that guy that plays all of the CSI drama theme songs. (Who are you, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, I really wanna know.) Anyhow, I had decided to let this story die. There was going to be no further mention of it except at my family gatherings where we could all sit around and laugh about it. Until today... As I was led to the back of the office to meet with my doctor one of the nurses started looking at me all excitedly, shaking her finger at me. "I saw you, where was it? Oh, yeah! It was at the Eric Clapton concert." Oh, shit. Somebody outside the family knows what happened. "Well, did you see me leave?" I replied. "Why did you leave?" "Well, the seats were a little snug and they wouldn't let us stand up at the top because the show was sold out. I wasn't very comfortable in my seat." "You didn't have to sit beside that really large man, did you?" "Yep. When the fat guy has to sit beside another fat guy, something's gotta give and it's usually the seat he's sitting in. His chair gave out and he spilled his beer all over my seat when I had left to visit the facilities. By that time, we were over everybody and their beers, we were bored, so we just left. We heard Eric sing one song." "Wow! That stinks." "Did he sing, Layla?" "No." "Did he sing, Tears in Heaven?" "No." "He didn't. What did he sing?" "I'm not really sure. I didn't recognize most of the songs and we were kind of bored too. You probably didn't miss much. We thought about leaving, but I think the same guy that spilled beer on your chair was moved to the end of the row where we were sitting. It would have been hard to get past him and I bet it was hard sitting beside him. Anyway, hope you feel better."

Seens At The Supermarket

I wish I would have had my camera with me today when I was at the supermarket. I never seem to have one when I need it or I have left my phone in the car. I'm not picking on anyone I'm just letting you know what I saw at the supermarket. You've probably seen the same things, maybe at different places that leave you shaking your head in bewilderment. When I was walking from the parking lot into the store I noticed that the Fire Marshall's car was parked in the fire lane. I find that extremely troubling, don't you? I know there was a good chance that he was there on official business. In fact, I'm absolutely sure of it. But, he wasn't. I overheard him tell somebody that he had just popped in to get something from the deli. When I finished my shopping and was exiting the store I noticed a large van parked in the fire lane almost blocking the exit. (They must have just popped in to get something from the deli too.) Anyhow, I watched a police officer (talking on his cell phone) look directly at the person in the van. I thought he was at least going to tell the lady to move. Nope, he drove right on past and nearly ran over the old couple that were in the crosswalk. How can our public officials expect us to follow the rules when they don't? Makes you question things, doesn't it?

A Democrat, A Republican And An Independent...A Conversation On Health Care

The following conversation took place a few days ago when Brother, Mom and Me met for dinner to celebrate her birthday. I won't tell you which one of us is which party, I'll let the conversation speak for itself. Ind: Ha! I was busting your buddies' chops the other day about the Health Care vote. They were like all gloom and doom and that America was going to hell. Reb: They're probably right. Obama and that Pelosi chick are gonna be the death of all of us freedom loving Americans. Dem: I would have thought, heaven forbid, that you of all people would want reform. You got about every preexisting condition there is and even some that haven't been invented yet. Ind: That's true. Reb: Well, somebody needs to stand up and make these people start paying for some of these government programs. It's going to cost 44 quadrillion dollars, that's almost a googol, before we're debt free. Ind: Google? Google is named after a number? Dem: I don't know, but A googol is a number with a 100 zeros behind it. Ind: Oh. It's not going to cost that much. Well, if you're so worried about the cost, what about the cost of the wars that we are fighting on two fronts? Isn't that costing a billion dollars a month? How are we paying for that? Dem: Yeah, how are we paying for that? Rep: I don't know but I think Halliburton has got something to do with it. Ind: You're probably right. Dem: I know that's true. It's probably not going to affect me too much. Rep: That's what you think. You're going to be getting a $250 check for your Medicare supplemental insurance. Dem: Oh, goody! Ind: Nice. Rep: I wouldn't get too excited about it. They're doing away with the plan or something. Dem: Oh, crap! I hope they don't go messing with my prescription drugs. I'm still trying to figure out the last program that Bush put into place. I wasn't a big fan of his but I remember he got us two refund checks of $600. That's what I call stimulus money. Rep: Yeah, one of those checks would be nice right now. But, this reform is Socialism, pure and simple. Ind: I could do with one of those checks too. What's wrong with Socialism? Rep: Well, how about a tax rate of 50% for starters? Dem: Wow, that much? Rep: YES, that much! Ind: I don't know. I don't think that would affect us too much. Dem & Rep: Why? Ind: Well, they gave all of the stimulus money to the fat cats in business and we're all unemployed anyway. What's 50% of nothing? Dem & Rep: True. Ind: And furthermore, it doesn't matter what the cost is, because, according to the Mayans, the world is ending in 2012, anyway. Rep: You're wacko. Dem: I think your brother is right. You spend way too much time on that computer...

Mom's Turn...Year II

It's birthday time once again in the MA Fat Woman's family. Today is my Mom's birthday. Of course, I can't tell you how old she is because that wouldn't be daughterly. She is older than me but hasn't reached that age where she goes around telling everybody how old she is. For example: One might ask, "It sure is beautiful weather we're having." "I'm 87," might be the response. I'm really lucky to be her daughter. Mom always has a unique and mostly upbeat attitude about things which is very helpful during stressful times. Her calming manner has defused many a situation at home and at work. She's mostly retired now, and enjoys her dance lessons and Travel Club meetings. She's a fun person to be around and I'm glad she's my mom. Here's to you Mom! Happy Birthday!

Sharing A Tailgate...Part II

...I walked over to where she was sitting on the tailgate and cautiously lowered myself to the tailgate. She was big, I was bigger and it was an itty bitty old Datsun truck. We bounced once or twice from the recoil of the shocks and gave a hearty chuckle and remarked that we could both lose a few pounds. I noticed that she was putting her note cards away from where she had been writing earlier. I couldn't resist so I asked, "What are you writing?" "I'm doing my Bible work for the Sabbath tomorrow." she said. Since the day was only Friday, and knowing that I had been raised to believe that the Sabbath was on Sunday, it was only natural for me to be curious as to why she thought the Sabbath was on Saturday, right? So, before I knew any better, I started asking questions. "Are you Mormon?" "No." "Jehovah Witness?" "No." "Seventh Day Adventist?" I questioned. Bingo. Before you could say, Oh brother, where art thou, I was cornered. The daughter and son-in-law had come around on the other side of me carrying different sorts of books, pamphlets and cards. The grandmother moved in from the other side and had a black box containing audio cassettes that she was giving away. I glanced toward the mother and she whipped out a brochure that had the screaming headline, "Apocalyptic insurance needed now. Are you insured? The end is near." I listened politely and accepted the literature. She told me that I could read it or pass it on. I'm not really into doomsday prognostications, and I don't believe in scaring people to death. However, my mother raised me to be polite and I will not and do not slam the door in people's faces even if we are sitting in the back of a truck. I wasn't cornered for very long because interest in our tables had suddenly picked up. After all, we were all there to make a little money. As the day wore on, the mother mentioned others in her family and how well they did financially. Specifically, her brother and how much he was able to tithe to the church. She said she tithed what she could but felt ashamed that she couldn't do more. Her mother had just walked back over to join us and had overheard her last statement. "What are you talking about?" she said. "Your brother just gives money, he isn't out here in the streets witnessing to people. You remember this, salvation isn't just measured by the amount or size of your tithe." I believe that holds true no matter what you believe, don't you?