Head Colds

Sniffling. Sneezing. Congestion. When all three of those occur at the same time it usually portends the arrival of one of my least favorite things: A head cold. There are two key contributing factors that make me miserable when I have a head cold: 1. Runny nose- I hate blowing my nose. Always have, always will. Mom used to say that she had to chase me around the house when I was a kid, hold me down, kicking and screaming the whole time while she repeatedly yelled "BLOW"! If I could get away with it I wouldn't mind doing what I've seen a lot of old men do and that is to hold a finger to one side of the nostril and blow as hard as they can out the other side. A shooting stream of snot, usually yellow in color, will be expelled just like that. Gross, I know, but it sure beats using a rumpled up tissue that you've already used a gazillion times and is covered with dry snot. Now, that's gross. (If you do use old tissues please throw them away at some point. Nobody, and I mean nobody, likes to pick up used snot rags.) 2. Being congested- When your nose is so clogged up you are forced to breathe totally through your mouth and end up with a severe case of cotton mouth. Or, my personal favorite, that wet spot left on your pillow when you have drooled out the side of your mouth all night. Another thing about being congested is tat it can ake communication bery difficult. B's become D's and P's become V's and so forth and so on. Trying to have a conversation with someone is nearly impossible. The following conversation took place when I tried to make a Dr's appointment to get some relief from my current head cold: Voice: Thank you for calling Medical Associates, for the appointment desk please press one. Me: Bleep Another voice: Appointment desk, may I help you? Me: 'ello, I meed to nake a bointment, flease. Voice: I'm sorry, can you please repeat that? Me: I need to make an abbointment. I gotta 'ead colb. Voice: Oh, it sounds like you have a head cold. What's your name and which doctor do you need to see? Me: I meed to see Br. Ricci and my last mame is Valmer. Voice: I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch your name. Me: Balmer! Voice: Let me look that up. I'm sorry, did you say Dalmer? Me: No! I'm not a serial killer. Falmer. Voice: I'm terribly sorry. Could you spell it for me? Me: V-A-L-M-E-R, Valmer! Voice: I'm sorry. I'm not finding anything for V-a-l-m-e-r. Are you a new patient? Me: No. 'old on a second. And with that I put one finger to the side of my nose and blew as hard as I could. "It's Palmer," I said. "P-a-l-m-e-r"

Brother's Birthday...Year II

Now, it's time for another birthday. My big brother is celebrating his birthday today. Since we are sharing the family nicknames....drum roll please. His nickname is Boy, sometimes called Big Boy. Boy is a fan of WW II and can give you all the information ever needed if you are building a house since he has a background in construction. He taught me how to play football, throw a baseball for a perfect strike (complete with a full wind up) and how to play chess. He also taught me how to chew tobacco, scratch my butt, cuss a blue streak, burp the alphabet, throw cow patties, use the tractor and manure spreader to drive to town for hot dogs and Sour Cream Doritos when Mom and Dad were working, castrate a hog and spit and catch loogies. Most of these tricks I have since out grown! (Most) However, it is good knowledge to have. You never know when you might need to do some castrating. If you look closely at his right leg you can see the scar left behind from his bout with the flesh eating virus that he has been recovering from for the last 16 months. So here's to you! Happy Birthday! MA Fat Woman (Froggy, German Midget, Shorty Luther, Mia, MyMy, G.)

Caption This Saturday

Go ahead and give it your best shot! Caption this! Winner gets to be the topic of the day here at Reflections. Here's my best caption: Jack was just happy to see he made it through the Holidays!

Birthday Wishes...Year II

I talk a lot about my family. It's amazing some of the stories that I can remember and hope to share more with you at a later date. Actually, some of the stunts we pulled as kids make me wonder how we all grew up into functioning adults. Anyhow, today is my sister's birthday. In case anyone wants to know, her nickname is Big Red. Yep, she's got red hair and a fierceness to go along with it. She resides in the frigid north where it snows all the time. Yuck! I won't tell you how old she is because that wouldn't be sisterly. She is older than me though. Happy Birthday Sister! May you have many more and continue to do things that make me laugh. MA Fat Woman P.S. Your present is still on my counter waiting to be mailed.

How You Doin'?

We're one week into the New Year and in my best Joey Tribbiani voice I ask "How you doin'? Are you keeping your resolutions? Are you laughing at least once a day? Are you staying positive? Are you finding happiness and contentment in your everyday activities? Are you eating more fiber? Are you letting the little things go? Are you getting used to Diane Sawyer on World News? Are you being less judgemental? Are you getting all of the MA Fat Woman's jokes? Are you clipping coupons to help you save money? Are you saying NO when they ask you if you want to supersize it? Are you wondering when the MA Fat Woman is going to start being funny again? Me too!

It's So Cold Or It's Colder Than...

A few of my favorites. Feel free to leave your own cold/colder comments in the comments section. It's so cold that my Christmas decorations are now permanently affixed to my house. It's so cold that my runny nose is now a small icicle. It's so cold that even Mother Nature has been asking for another blanket. It's colder than an Eskimo's Eskimo pie. And my personal favorite, although I don't know why...It's colder than a witch's titty

Happy New Year

Happy New Year from all of us here at Reflections on a Middle-Aged Fat Woman! I hope 2010 brings you health, happiness and satisfaction in all that you do. Remember, it's a new year with new beginnings. Anything is possible! Stay positive and take the time to laugh! MA Fat Woman