Welcome To Walmart

My small town where I live is finally going to be more than a map dot on the old trusty Atlas. We're getting a Walmart. And not just any old Wallyworld, mind you, but a new prototype Walmart as I found out. I was grocery shopping and I approached the produce section hoping to replenish my fruit bowl. I have a wooden bowl that contains apples, oranges and bananas, and sometimes pears if they're not too expensive. I say hoping because I never know if I'm going to get fresh fruit because it costs so much. Anyhow, I was at the banana display and the bananas were marked .49c a lb. (too high). There was a nice looking younger lady with an infant checking out the other side of the display working her way around to me so I could admire her baby, I'm sure. Never one for missing out on a random conversation with a stranger I began our discussion with, "Oh, my, bless your heart, isn't she precious! When Walmart opens in a few days, either the prices are going to come way down or they're going to go through the roof. Forty-nine cents a pound for bananas, isn't that awful?" "Thank you, but she is a he and he is precious. I know what you mean about the Walmart. I got to see it today." "Are they having an open house?" I asked. (Dumb question, I know.) "No. My husband is a manager there. They have chocolate dipped strawberries. It's a prototype of a new, more upscale Walmart. You wouldn't believe how different it is from a normal Walmart. They are going to even have pizza ovens, wine and cheese tastings and all sorts of stuff," she said excitedly. "I can't wait until it opens!" After she walked away and left me standing by the bananas I started really thinking about gourmet strawberries, pizza ovens and fancy cheese. What am I thinking? I'm thinking that the price of my bananas is gonna jump up to $1.49 per pound to pay for all of that new fancy smancy stuff. It opens in a few days. I'll keep you posted...

The Not So Friendly Skies

I'm sure you've heard about the meltdown that flight attendant, Stephen Slater had aboard a JetBlue Airways flight recently. It seems that a passenger was rummaging around in the overhead compartment while the plane was still taxiing to the gate. First of all, don't you hate those people? No matter where you go, or what you are doing, there is always that one person that is breaking the rules. What about the person that won't turn off their cell phone at the movies? What about the person that cuts in line at the amusement park? What about the person that has 57 items in the under 10 item checkout lane? I could go on and on. As a former customer service employee of the United States Postal Service I can understand the frustration that Mr. Slater must have felt. I have been threatened to burn in hell, cursed at, called a pigeon holer (whatever that is) as well as other unmentionable salutations all because I was standing at the front counter. On more than one occasion I wanted to "Grab a beer, open the emergency slide and get the hell out of there." I'm all about customer service but at some point the customer is not always right. And that point is usually when they are not following the rules. Rules are meant to be followed, not broken. They just don't make them for shits and giggles, you know. They are there for a reason. Would I have done what Mr. Slater did? I'm not sure. I know I wouldn't want to be facing criminal charges because I was just doing my job. Why hasn't the person that stood up while the plane was taxiing been charged with anything? Surely, there's a misdemeanor charge for not obeying official instruction or something, right? Wouldn't it have been awesome if Slater had looked at the Air Marshall and said, "Can I get some help here?" I bet that passenger would have sat down and stayed in their seat if they had a 9M pointed at them...

Summertime Conversations

***The following conversation took place between my mother and me a few days ago. We hadn't spoken in over a week which is unusual for us. Riiiiinnnnngggggg Me: Hello? Mom: What'cha doing? Me: Sweatin'! Mom: Oh! What'cha been doing? Me: Sweating. Mom: I see. Me: How was your trip? Mom: Warm. Me: Did you do any sight-seeing? Mom: Well, we started to get out of the car once, but it was too hot. Me: I see. When did you get back? Mom: A few days ago. Did you do anything for Friend's birthday? Me: We were gonna go fishing, but it was too humid. Went to the casino instead. Mom: Oh, my! How much did you lose? Me: None! I came out ahead for a change. Mom: Wow! Good for you. What about Friend? Me: Well...it wasn't her day. She did get to keep her birthday cake, though. Mom: Hahahahaha. Lololololololol. Hehehehhe... Me: You shouldn't laugh at that... Mom: I can't help it; it's funny to me. Me: I'm going to cook a birthday dinner, do you want to come eat? Mom: Come to your house? In this heat? Heavens, no! It would be fun to watch you play musical air conditioners, though. Well, gotta go, Wheel of Fortune is on. Bye. Click!

What's Your Order?

If you've looked at the calendar lately you should have noticed a lot of dates lining up. Once the double zeros flipped over we've seen 01/01/01, 02/02/02, 0/3/03/03 and my favorite: 04/04/04 (my birthday). And you can't possibly forget about the luckiest day on record: 07/07/07. We've also had days that have lined up sequentially like 01/02/03, 04/05/06 and 07/08/09. Recently, it was 08/09/10 (Friend's birthday) and a couple in southern Ohio gave birth to a beautiful bouncing baby girl. This wouldn't have been unusual except for the fact that she was born at 11:12 PM. Yes, that's right. She was born on 08/09/10 at 11:12. I wonder what the odds are of that? Whether you believe in luck, happenstance or the natural order of things, the numbers have lined up perfectly and I think that's a good place to stop. After all, you know what comes after twelve, right?

The Friend's Birthday...Year II

Birthday wishes go out to the Friend that I mention in my posts. Friend has experienced several of the MA Fat Woman's mishaps and can always be counted on for a good laugh, a no nonsense quote, or a story that will upstage mine every time. Which reminds me of a story about Friend. Friend had a big time job and several underlings at her disposal for years. When birthdays and holidays floated around they always celebrated big. Everyone got cakes, presents, and usually taken out to dinner or the such. Well, Friend was really excited when it was time to celebrate her birthday. She had heard them planning and plotting the details of the party and was very excited. It didn't turn out that way. It seems the person that had done the planning had an emergency and all of the plans fell through. On the day of the birthday, there was nothing. No dinner! No presents! And no cake! Somebody realized what had happened and ran to Walmart to get an emergency cake. The day was a Friday and the office was scarcely staffed. After about 3 or 4 people sang Happy Birthday, each grabbed a slice of cake and scattered back to their respective offices. When it was time to go home that evening Friend went into the break room to get the cake to take home... ...it wasn't there! "Where's the cake?" she asked. "Oh, so-and-so took it with her. She said nobody had chipped in, so she was taking it home!" I know! Stuff like that happens all the time to her. Happy Birthday Friend! I hope you get a cake that is all yours...

Purple In Polyester...Part II

When Mom mentioned that she might have an outfit in the closet for me it sent a little shiver down my spine. Mom has every piece of clothing that she has ever worn dating back to the 70s and most of them involve polyester in one form or another. Mom started rummaging around and began pulling out one treasure after another. First off was the lime green pants and orange and lemon checked jacket with a faux fur collar. "What about this one? All it needs is a pair of black stilettos and you'll be dressed to impress," she said. "Well, I'm not sure. You know I don't do well in heels," I replied. "Yeah, that's right. You spent way too much time in those green Converse high tops of yours." "Mom, they were my basketball shoes. I better get going if I'm going to pick something up tonight." "Nonsense, let me see what else I got back here." Next out of the closet was a dark chocolate brown leisure suit that still had the tags on it. It had a white patent leather belt that should be cinched at the waist and there was a small label in one of the pockets that said the outfit would go great with white patent leather shoes. "Holy Toledo!" she exclaimed. "I wondered whatever happened to this suit. Here, try this on." Mom handed me the suit and I handed it right back. "It's a size 14. I'm a little past that size, remember?" "Don't you get smart with me, young lady. I'm still your mother and I'm just trying to help." "I know, Mom, but I don't think there's anything in there that I can wear and my tastes are a little more conservative than yours. The next thing you're gonna pull out is your lucky suit which you said Dad made you get rid of because he said it made you look..." "Wait! There it is. Oh, my goodness. I thought this was long gone. It's my lucky suit!" As I watched her standing there flushed with excitement I was transported back to my childhood and that purple polyester suit. Whenever there was an occasion that called for Mom to be dressed up she wore the suit, it was her "lucky suit" she always said. "I'm gonna go see if it still fits," she said. She returned a few minutes later wearing the purple polyester suit. It was a little snug in some places, and fit perfectly most everywhere else. She looked radiant, turning this way, admiring herself in the long mirror, humming what sounded like an early Elvis Presley song, completely oblivious that I was in the room. "It still fits, Mom. But why do you call it your lucky suit?" My question seemed to snap her out of her reverie and she looked directly at me. "This is my lucky suit because this is the suit that I met your dad in. He said it made me look like--well, that's none of your business. And on second thought, I don't think you can wear any of my clothes. You better get going if you're going to find any stores open." She was right. I needed to get going to see if I could find my own lucky suit. As I left the room she was still admiring her reflection and I'm sure was reminiscing about the night she wore the purple polyester suit and met my father nearly sixty years ago.

Purple In Polyester...Part I

I had a job interview today. Shocking, isn't it? When the lady called to set up an interview I thought she had the wrong number. I've sent out dozens of resumes with little or no response. When a Master's Degree is as common as a Bachelor's Degree these days your resume and cover letter really need to stand out. I went back over both of my documents searching for the magical phrase or well-intended action verb that had caught the HR Department's eye but came up empty. There's nothing like short notice to light a fire under somebody's ass and that ass belonged to me. A job interview? Are you kidding? And they want me to come first thing in the morning. Are you kidding me? Needless to say, I had several activities planned for the day, one of which was a trip to Mom's to pick up the cat and the new cat because I had been hiding up in the Alabama mountains for a few days getting some culture. I walked into her house and mentioned that I had a job interview and she 'bout fell out of her chair. "Are you kidding?" she said. "Don't blow it. What are you gonna wear? You ain't worn nothing but t-shirts and shorts for the past two years." That was a problem. I have a whole wardrobe that I haven't seen in about two years now, the pre-quitting smoking wardrobe of nice sweaters, dress shirts and business suits. I do have one outfit on hand; I call it my funeral suit. It's black, wool and extremely hot; not something that needs to be worn in the Georgia summertime heat. "I don't know," I said. "I'll have to pick something up. I do have the funeral suit..." "Heavens to Betsy, good gracious NO! You are not, I repeat N-O-T wearing the funeral suit. You'll keel over for sure wearing that hot and scratchy thing. I bet I got something in the closet that would be appropriate."