Friday, July 17, 2009

Fat Feet, The Flu And Hemorrhoids...Part I

I bet you've been wondering what I've been doing since I got back from vacation? Besides obsessing over my bad tomato the title of this post pretty much sums it up.

I've been recovering from fat feet, the flu, and hemorrhoids.

TMI? (Too much information for the uninitiated.)

If you've been a regular reader here at MA Fat Woman, you know that we like to reflect on many different topics. If you're new, well, I just told you that we like to reflect on many different subjects.

Got it?

Good!

First of all, I would like to send a BIG GET WELL to my friend Joe at Crotchety Old Man Yells At Cars, he's a little under the weather.

On to other things. It seems the older I get, the less I'm able to sit for long periods of time without getting fat feet.

What are fat feet, you may ask?

Fluid buildup.

Swollen ankles.

Water retention.

Cankles.

All of the above, actually!

I just call it fat feet and no matter how I try to prevent it, I'm able to retain about a pound of fluid for every hour I'm in the car, and all of it in my feet.

It took us about 8 hours to get down to the beach house. In the time I spent riding with 2 teenagers, watching my feet get fatter by the mile, I put on for my city...eastside...westside...southside, on, on for my city. I got clobbered by blaming it on the Al-ah-ah-al-ah-alcohol, blame it on the rock, blame it on the hinny? Somebody wanted to take a ride on my disco stick? (I didn't have one the last time I checked.)

My father owns several grocery stores and you'd be amazed at what they sell in there these days. I spotted several Volkswagen Beetles and was punch buggied, no punch back to the point of tossing a couple kids into Mobile Bay.

Did I mention 8 hours in the car? You do the math--8 hours equals eight pounds of fluid. Not to mention if I heard one more 'Are we there yet' or 'I'm bored'. Oh wait, that was me! Kids really don't know what to do when it's an adult doing all of the complaining...

9 comments:

Gorilla Bananas said...

I'm surprised you can sit down comfortably with those hemorrhoids. Do you use a cream?

The Peach Tart said...

Damn you're just having a bad day but it's an excuse to tell your family that you've got to sit on the couch all day with your feet elevated with one of those donut things under your ass while sipping cranberry juice and vodka since cranberry juice is a natural diuretic.

Rae said...

Don't you just hate when that happens? Can't walk, can't sit, can't breathe, and to top it off- your tomato is rotten! Sounds like a typical day at my house! Hope you get to feeling better!

margarethall said...

Well...what can I say?...LOL The car ride with teens would have already had me out and in my own rent-a-car!! Water definitely is not my friend, either! Sittin' at the pc can get them puffin' up! But, GET BETTER, and get to the market for some tomatoes for dinner....lol

Queen-Size funny bone said...

Payback when it comes to your kids is golden.

Grayquill said...

I love that complaing instead of the kids or at least in harmony with the kids. Husband was not mentinoned so I assume he did what most men with a trace of wisdom would do just sit, drive, smile, be off in a fantasy land ignoring it all. After all what can a man do about fat feet, hemorrhoids, and the flu - nothing except try not catch it.
Funny, funny, funny...
I be back for more.

Grayquill said...

Oh....BTW - Thanks

Sherry at EX Marks the Spot said...

Well, welcome back!!! I remember well those kinds of vacations.

MeanDonnaJean said...

I've gotta perfect solution to them fat feet o' yers.....'n I can personally vouch for it quite nicely at that.

Slam one lil' Lasix pill down yer throat, then hold on to yer toilet seat for dear life....cuz you'll be peein' every 10 minutes (I kid ya NOT) for the next 4 hours or so.

Yessss, its a royal pain in the ass to have to get up every 10 minutes; yesssss, it keeps ya from EVER leavin' the house that day; yesssssss, it'll make everyone in yer household hate ya for the fact that yer takin' up ALL the bathroom time, but yesssssssss, it really WORKS!

Fat feet/cankles/swollen legs 'n all........they'll go right on down the drain. Literally!

Soooo, do ya want some? I've gotta slew o' them suckers if ya DO.

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