Monday, May 31, 2010

Memorial Day Remembered



Please take time to remember those that have served and been lost.

Friday, May 28, 2010

It's Who You Know


I wasn't really surprised when the latest scandal surrounding Sarah Fergie Ferguson arose. After all, she has always seemed to be on the outside looking in--almost a leper where the Royal family is concerned. According to reports, when she divorced Prince Andrew, she was allotted L20,000 a year in alimony, roughly 30 grand. Meanwhile, Princess Diana received a sum estimated to be in the tens of millions of dollars per year. I know it's hard to compare the two (actually you can't, Lady Di was the People's Princess and Fergie, well, she's a Weight Watcher spokesperson among other things) but those sums seem a little disproportionate to me.

If you don't follow the latest Royal gossip the gist of the matter is that Fergie was allegedly selling access to her ex, Andrew, for the tidy sum of $750,000. She was caught in an undercover sting by some British tabloid and the entire country is in an uproar. Buckingham Palace has steadfastly denied that Prince Andrew had anything to do with it and wouldn't participate anyway.

I say, why not.

If somebody wants to pay nearly a million bucks to have a round of golf or have dinner with the Prince and have gone through a background check, what's the problem? Will it taint the Royal legacy? (I think they do a good enough job of that themselves.)

It's obvious she needs the money and she does know one of the most famous men in the world. And if she did it one time it would nearly equal a lifetime of alimony payments.

So, I pose this question: Did Fergie go too far?

I'd tell the Windsors to either pay up or put on a smile because guess who's coming to dinner tonight? You can't blame a girl for wanting to get paid...

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Keep The Change...Not

I'll tell you something that makes me mad and disgusted at the same time. It's when you purchase something from a machine and you're expecting change and you don't receive the change.

I like to use one of those automatic car washes to help keep the Mustang lookin' all shiny and sparkly. Depending on which wash you purchase it can run anywhere from 7-13 bucks. I like to get the 9 dollar wash and usually pay with a 10 dollar bill. And, according to my mathematical skills, the change would be one dollar, right?

Nothing.

It kept my change. And not for the first time.

I did what everybody does in that situation. First, I swore several times. Next, I pushed the change button hard several times and swore some more. Then I looked for a sign that says, "If machine malfunctions please call 1-800-ripd-off." Finding no such sign I swore again and vowed never to come back.

I'm not sure how much money I've lost over the years but I'm sure it's a small fortune.

Now, if I could just get somebody at that 800 number to call me back...

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Graduation Time

It's Graduation Day here in my small town in northern Georgia. I can remember mine just like it was yesterday; or, at least 25 years ago. We graduated on a Sunday and I remember that we were excited about our futures and the endless possibilities. The girls wore white gowns and the boys wore green. Those that were in the National Honor Society accentuated their gowns with gold braided cords that symbolized their excellence over the previous four years. Green, gold and white, those were our school colors.

I think the moment that stands out the most at my graduation is when my principal, Mr. Rosselot, pronounced my middle name wrong. It is Mia, like Maya Angelou, not Mia, like Mia Farrow. Sister was quick to voice the correct pronunciation to the whole school so they would never doubt how to say it again.

I don't think I realized that I wouldn't see most of those folks again. With the 25 year reunion fast approaching I'm excited about who might be there. Where had they been? What things had they done? What were their memories of me, and me of them? Were they happy?

I was also upset at my graduation. Not just because of the sadness I felt about leaving my friends but because of what was going on at home. Throughout my senior year, Mom was under intense pressure at work, with the closing of her factory and being transferred out of state, to Georgia of all places. At the time, we thought Georgia was clear across the country, not the 7-8 hour car ride it turned out to be.

I graduated on Sunday, and Mom left for Georgia the next day. We have always joked that the kids are supposed to grow up and move away, not the other way around.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Jury Duty And Other Stuff

It took 25 years for me to even get selected to show up as a potential juror. I guess they liked what they saw because I got selected the first time. I'm unsure how long the trial will last but it's very interesting. I don't know why everybody always wants to get out of jury duty; I'm having a good time.

Anyway, I'm still trying to get the website updated but I have added some sites to my blog roll. If you would like to be included just leave your link in the comments section. I know I might have missed a few where I am listed on your blog.

Another anyway, I'm also working for the Census and have met some mostly nice folks. I'm not sure how much longer it will last.

And still another anyway, I'm beginning to get excited about my 25th year high school reunion and my visit north above the sweet tea line. I wonder if my old classmates will think I talk with a Southern accent now, watcha ya'll think?

Monday, May 17, 2010

Unflushed Toilets

How hard is it to flush a toilet?

I had the great pleasure of enjoying three (3) unflushed toilets in a row today when I was gambling away my future at the Indian Casino in Cherokee, NC.

I guess that should have told me how my luck was going to run for the day---straight down the toilet--Wait! That's right, they weren't flushed.

I know most of the world is in the 21st century. Aren't they? I know those automatic flushers can be a bit tricky sometimes, especially when more than one wipe is needed. But stick with it, wave your hand in front of it or something. Do not leave it for the next person.

I'm not brave like some of those people that will enter a stall that somebody has left their shit in; I'll do an about face and move right on down to the next stall. I did that three times in a row today.

Friend had went to the casino with me and later asked me if I had been playing musical stalls. Unflushed toilets was my reply and then she asked if it had been three times in a row. I responded yes and then she said I should have just stayed in the car. It must have been an omen or something.

You know that's probably true. If you're going somewhere that depends on a bit of luck and you keep getting somebody else's shit, you might just wanna head back to the house. And if you find an unflushed toilet there, well--you better head back to Potty Training 101.

Please flush the toilet. Somebody's luck might just depend on it!

Friday, May 14, 2010

After The Fact

I, along with thousands of other folks became a fan of "Get Betty White to Host SNL" on Facebook a few months ago. And, amazingly enough, SNL listened. From the reviews that I read, everyone said it was a knockout and the ratings were through the roof.

The ratings were high, yes, and why shouldn't they have been? Betty is a great comedic actress and at times, her punchlines can rival Bob Hope or George Burns. She is funny, really, really funny. Saturday Night Live...not so much. The skit that I liked the best was about the Census worker (I wonder why?) and it was the very last one of the show. The opening skit (about Lawrence Welk) was funny, but after that, you lost me. The whole Macgruber thing was just strange.

Now, I'm not a comedic writer (a paid one, anyway) but even I could have come up with something that might have gotten a laugh. What about a skit about the Mary Tyler Moore show? Shoot, most of those guys are still alive; a skit about Seniors trying to do the news. I can see it now: Anchors going into cardiac arrest talking about sports or having their false teeth fall out when they catch a glimpse of the newest weather girl.

Anyhow, Betty was on the Tonight Show a few days later and told Jay that she was glad that was over, she had been very nervous. Now, the rumors are going around that they are trying to get her to host the Academy Awards. All I can say is WOW! I'd tune in to watch that.

On another note, on Facebook, they are now trying to get fans to jump on board with "Get Carol Burnett to host SNL". I totally agree with that, she's funny.

As a MA Fat Woman, I am almost at the age where I don't matter anymore, age 44. According to all of the researchers, ages 25-44 are the top spenders and after that, well, folks just tend to fade away into the distance, their money unspent.

Somebody better wake the hell up because that is totally NOT true.

SNL is on the right track by letting someone other than a 22 yr old blond, bimbo that has starred on a reality show host the program and whose only qualifications are giving oral sex to the producers. Barbie, you're not funny, give it up!

Hey, Lorne? You're an old guy, too! There are lots of other older stars out there that would be great hosting Saturday Night Live. You can start with Carol Burnett, then Eddie Murphy, Goldie Hawn, Whoopi, Billy Crystal, the list goes on and on...

Thursday, May 13, 2010

In Through There

I talk a lot about my family and the adventures that we have. I've mentioned several times about growing up on a small farm on Cherry Fork Road and the struggles that Mom and Dad had to keep us clothed and fed. I can't say that I remember every little detail because I can't. Sometimes, at family gatherings, one of us will mention a story that we had long forgotten, bringing us to tears and cracking us up at the same time.

Our family likes to tell stories. Nobody could tell a story better than Dad. And every time he told a story each important part would be punctuated with the saying "in through there". I don't know why he said that. He probably didn't realize he was saying it. Maybe, it was how he collected and ciphered through all of those tall tales in his head. One such story might go like this:

Back when I was a kid, in '43 or in through there, there was a boy lived up the holler that we scared so bad, that he lit up a tree and didn't come down for three days. Damn, chicken shit, what he was. See, one night we was coming home from coon hunting and he got distracted, in through there and got left behind. Us fellows decided to teach him a lesson and hid behind a rock down there on Island Creek. You 'member where that is, don't you? Shit, he come around the corner, in through there, and we all just jumped out at him and he jumped back, screamed and took off a running, straight up the holler and up that big old oak tree, pissing his pants and carrying on like a girl. That was the funniest damn thing I ever seen.


I've heard this story many times and I still get a laugh out of it. Besides being a great story teller, here are some other things, in through there, about Dad.

He got drafted into the Army in the 50s and saw Elvis over in Germany.

He was scared of heights.

His nickname was Diddy.

Both of his pinky fingers had been cut off due to accidents as a child.

He liked Hudepohl beer.

He was a pattern marker for the Hercules Trouser Company in Manchester, Ohio, for 25 years.

He could out run anybody in the neighborhood, including Sheldon, the boy from Hawaii.

He loved his family, deeply.

Lastly, he left us 8 years ago today, on this date.

Wherever you are, in through there, we miss you very much.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Creamed Onions

So Brother and I took Mom out to eat for Mother's Day. It wasn't just some local place either; it was the Dillard House in Clayton, Georgia. It's about as far north as you can get in Georgia without falling off the edge of the state. It was a two hour drive and by the time we got there we were famished, and ready to eat. I'm not sure if it was fair to make Mom drive or not but the Mustang ain't really made for transporting folks; maybe two, but definitely not three.

We got there at the same time that all of the local churches let out and it was certainly a race to get your name on the waiting list. Mom pulled a stunt that I am known for but I've never seen her do it. It's where you stop the car at the front of the restaurant and have somebody hop out to get your name on the waiting list. Anyhow, I was the lucky soul that hopped rolled out of the backseat of Mom's car. (Her backseat wasn't much bigger than mine.)

We enjoyed a half hour wait sitting out on the front porch, stomachs growling, rocking in comfortable high back rocking chairs, straining to hear what numbers they were calling over the loudspeaker. With each number called I was met with questioning glances from Mom and Brother both wondering what our number was and if it had just been called.



We were finally led to our table and had to go through the main dining room, out the back door, cross the yard and enter into a whole other building. We were all surprised by this unexpected detour and joked that you usually have to wash dishes after the meal, not before.

We were now in an old converted farmhouse and were elbow to elbow with our fellow diners. I was sticking out like a sore thumb. Mom and Brother were seated against the wall and I was seated on the outside of the table which was the main only walkway from the kitchen to the dining area. There was also a loose board or something near my chair because every time someone walked past I got a jolt, a goose and a lift up from my chair.

There were three bowls already on the table containing apple butter, relish, and a third bowl that we all sniffed and couldn't identify until Brother tasted it. It was horseradish sauce. I think we were waiting for menus or something and were totally blown away when three waiters arrived with three heavy laden trays of every country food dish imaginable. You don't have to order at this place, they bring you everything , and I mean everything on the menu.

The three of us quickly loosened our pants and dug in. I was immediately drawn to the lima beans and Au gratin potatoes. Brother was enjoying the Prime Rib, biscuits and cucumber and onion mixture. Mom, well, she was enjoying the creamed onions.

Creamed onions!

Sometimes, I wonder how we can be possibly be related. I think it's well known that the MA Fat Woman doesn't do onions, creamed or not.

All in all, we had a fun trip and were all in agreement that Dad and Sister would have enjoyed the meal too.

I'm not sure about the creamed onions, though. That's something only a mother could love.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Happy Mother's Day



Happy Mother's Day to all of the moms out there especially my Mom and Sister!

Friday, May 7, 2010

Update Already

The anti virus software that I have installed on my computer drives me nuts sometimes; it's always updating. And when it does it slows my laptop down to a crawl.

If I go more than a day without turning it on it can take over a half an hour for it to do all of the updating. I don't want to get a virus, that's for sure, but it seems that the updating is a little out of control.

Another thing that drives me batty is that after it updates it usually requires a restart of the computer and with an older laptop that can add an additional ten minutes to a simple process.

So, if I am adding correctly, what should be a three minute event to check email turns into a forty minute ordeal of waiting, waiting and more waiting.

Anyway, after it finally updates and reboots you'd think it be time to check the email, right? Would you believe that 99% of the time after it has updated there will be another update, usually from Adobe, iTunes or Java that needs to update?

I don't know about you but I just wish everything would update already.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Another Almost Wordless Wednesday



My back yard is almost knee deep.




Whichever way you look at it...



It's still a piece of junk.




Wanna buy a mower?


...anyone?

Monday, May 3, 2010

Who Needs Cable Anyway

I've been really busy lately. The mail has been piling up; sorry, if I haven't gotten to your fan letter yet. It's the first of the month and the bills need to be written out. I haven't turned the television on in weeks. My lawn has reached knee high; both mowers are broken. I still haven't planted any flowers and my tomato plants are still at the store waiting on me to buy them.

Locally, it seems that the only place that was doing any hiring, full or part time for that matter, was the Census Bureau. I applied for a position, took the test and now am the proud owner of a black shoulder bag that says Census Bureau on the side. It's very official looking, and in my sporty red Mustang, I'm sure I totally look the part.

I have been met with blank stares several times and I'm sure they are wondering to themselves, "Why is there a middle aged fat woman standing at my door?"

Anyhow, I had some free time last night so I flipped on the TV wanting to watch Sportscenter on ESPN. It was supposed to be on Channel 17, but somebody moved it. Instead, I got the backup choir from the local Live Free, Worship Constantly, Watch out for the Snakes, Convert or Else Mountain Church, and bless their hearts, they were a little off key.

I flipped up to the next channel and I didn't get ESPN2, I got the neighboring church and they were singing off key too.

The next channel was wrong too. It was supposed to be ESPN Classic but now was showing a softball game between those same churches from 1998. It was really hard to discern what was going on because everybody was going crazy because somebody had let the snakes out.

I then punched in the Food Network station and got a local government meeting. HGTV was now showing a blank screen and A&E had become C-Span 24 or something.

By this time, I was over it and just turned off the damn thing. I grabbed up the pile of mail and laying on top of the stack was a letter about three weeks old from the cable company. Basically, it said that they were moving all of the stations around and upping the bill by about 10 bucks.

Nice.

I pay a cable bill to watch programs that I normally can't see on a daily basis. If I wanted to listen and watch people sing off key I'd tape myself in the shower.

I might just turn the cable off. Everything I like to watch is available on the Internet anyway.

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