Early Morning Malfunctions

"Snap!" "Uh, oh, it looks like we've got an early morning malfunction here," said my doctor. "That's what happens when you're the first patient of the day." Now, I don't care if you are my worst enemy, I wouldn't want you to hear those words--especially when you're lying prone, in an unclothed position and you're feet are up in the stirrups. Without being too graphic, the instrument that was supposed to be doing the spreading stopped working; actually it snapped in two pieces and pinched me. Needless to say, it made me jump straight up out of my paper gown. The damn thing was made of plastic. It seems that as a cost cutting measure it is cheaper to buy plastic instruments instead of having someone sterilize the antiquated metal devices. What's next? Open heart surgery with a plastic butter knife... This appointment concluded my week long saga of doctor appointments. I started the week with a root canal and crappy pain drugs and ended with an early morning malfunction. The good news is that I'm years away from my first colonoscopy...

Pain Pills?

Remember that toothache I mentioned a few posts back? Well, it has erupted into a full blown root canal complete with a multi-thousand dollar follow up plan. Can you say ouch? I think somebody is trying to stick it to me...in more than one place. The only thing that kept me going throughout the 4 hour process was the prospect of the pain pills that were mentioned several times. "I'm going to give you some pain meds to ease the throbbing in your jaw, okay?" said my dentist. "Okay," I mumbled through the rubber dental dam. "You'll be feeling great once you start on the painkillers," said the dental assistant. "Cool," was my grimaced reply. After the procedure was completed I was given my prescription and sent on my merry way. I glanced down to see what this wondrous drug was that was going to ease the throbbing that was just beginning to manifest itself since the laughing gas had begun to wear off. It was Motrin! That's right, Motrin! I was hoping for Percocet, or maybe even a Valium, but a prescription for Motrin? I already had that in my medicine cabinet.

Guess Again?

I guess I was more successful than I thought I was in regards to talking to LeBron James. Not only did I convince him to move south--he moved really south, all the way to South Beach. Maybe it will make the NBA a little more interesting? It's been really boring since Michael, Scottie and Dennis retired. I like the Lakers but they really don't have any personality--Showtime, it ain't! I used to love the Celtics when Larry played. Today, they make me want to throw up because they act like a bunch of babies. Shoot, they even got a so called baby that plays for them (Glen Big Baby Davis). I was very surprised too. It was kind of refreshing to see a professional athlete take "less" money to play with his buddies. What's another 30 million bucks when you already have 300 million or more?

My Conversation With LeBron

I've always wanted to be a sportswriter. With the ongoing saga that is the NBA free agency period I wasn't too surprised when I had a dream about LeBron James the other night. I admit it, I'm really into sports--I get Sports Illustrated, ESPN the Magazine and Sports Weekly. I like to watch ESPN, ESPN2, ESPN Classic and every regional sports channel that I get through my local cable company. When all else fails and there isn't anything worth watching on the other channels you'll find me tuned into a rebroadcast of the Ohio State - Michigan football game from 1995. (Go Buckeyes!) I think the dream job would be to host SportsCenter on ESPN. How cool is that? You watch clips of sporting events, make up sayings like "Jeter is as cool as the other side of the pillow" or "Back, back, back, back, back, back, GONE!" or even "Goooaaaalll". I could do that. I did call a few of the local high school's basketball games back when I was on the radio. I do have the voice---the look---not so much! In the dream that I had about LeBron I was trying to convince him to come play for the Atlanta Hawks. (LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLLOLOL) I know, like that is ever going to happen? The Hawks have about as much chance as signing James as I do of hosting SportsCenter. Slim and none! How many MA Fat Women have you seen as sports announcers lately? (My point exactly!) We were also playing a game of Around the World since I had already beaten him at H-O-R-S-E. I'm not sure how that game ended because I woke up from the dream! LeBron will be making his BIG decision, live on ESPN Thursday evening. He's doing it that way so the Boys and Girls Clubs of America can get all of the profits made from the one hour broadcast. How cool is that? Since I won't be hosting the program I'll have to tune in and watch. My bet is that he is staying in Cleveland. Us Ohio folks are like that; we're loyal!

Self Reflecting

Have you missed me? I know I've missed you. I hate to be one of those people--ya know, the one that says I've been really busy. Well, I have been and the blog has suffered. I've managed to get out a few original posts lately but I've relied on some of my past material. Is that a bad thing? I don't think so because I hate to be one of those people that says they are burnt out and can't think of anything to write. Good heavens! I wish I had that problem. I've got so many seens, stories, happenings, and opinions floating around up there that they almost got lost. Some of the happenings that have kept me occupied for the past few months include trying and failing to buy a new house, my birthday, way too many undercover assignments, a two month stint with the Census Bureau, a week of jury duty, fighting with the riding mower, a 25 yr high school reunion, looking for a lost relative, taking square dancing lessons with mom, a tooth ache and a week at the beach. That's it! I think things might have calmed down for awhile. I can now get back to being the MA Fat Woman; although I think I should be known as the MA not so Fat Woman. Did I mention that I've lost some weight!!

Happy Fourth Of July

Orignally published July '08 The scene--Any small town in a state that doesn't allow fireworks, namely Georgia. A guy walks into his local courthouse and asks where he can get a permit. The guard sends him down to the permit office. There is a really long line and only one window open. He admits to himself that this permit thing must be a pretty good idea, 'cause everyone here seems to be getting one. After all, on July 4th, he always hears fireworks going off all over town, so, they must have a permit, right? The man finally reaches the counter after one lunch break, and two smoke breaks and asks the lady about applying for a permit. She pulls out the forms and said that the fee was going to be $500.00. He scratches his head and thought that that sounded like a lot of money. "Ma'am, why does it cost so much to get a permit to let off fireworks," he asked? "Let off fireworks," she said. "Don't you know that is illegal in this state?" The man scratched his head once again and then asked, "What are all of these people here for?" "Sir, this is the tag office," she said. The man, quite confused by this time, looks up and asks, "Where does the city get its permit to let off fireworks for the community each year?" The lady, quite at a loss for words looks up and says, "Wait right here, I'm gonna go get my supervisor." Enjoy your 4th of July wherever you are and remember this: Let the professionals shoot off the fireworks, because they have a permit. Just don't ask to see it.

Can You Guess Again?

What is red, burnt, and has spots all over? Me! I've got a red nose, a sun burned back and more freckles than I can count. I'm still on vacation having a great time! Wish you were here...not really, well, maybe? Let me think on it and I'll get back to you...next week some time! Cheers! MA Fat Woman