Somebody Moved My House

I am finally home after my extended stay at Casa de Mom's house. I think she was happy to see me go. I think she felt obligated to stay at home with me to hear me complain about being uprooted at 5:00 AM on a Monday morning and I know she missed at least one Bingo tournament and one Salsa music dance lesson. I spent four nights at her house. I have finally worn my sister down complaining over the last few family gatherings and I get to sleep upstairs in the really big bed. (I spent many sleepless nights on the couch and on the foam thing that turns into a bed.) I had received word from the landlord that it was safe to return to my domicile. Although, they would be in contact with me soon to finish the work on the inside. (We'll see about that.) My house wasn't where I left it. It seems that they have put new white siding on the front to go with the puke green siding that is on the rest of the house. They had removed all of the shrubbery the day before Thanksgiving which I never mentioned because it made me madder than hell. Now, I have a new front porch that goes along the entire front of the house and a new tin roof. Somebody moved my house! It has rained steadily since I got home and I haven't been able to get any sleep because of the pounding of the rain on the new tin roof. The cat looks like someone has stepped on his tail, bless his heart, he ain't used to all that noise. I'm just waiting for a call from the landlord. Somebody has to pay for all of these snazzy upgrades and I'm sure it will be me.

Home Away From Home

As you can tell from my photo to the right over there I'm a gal that likes to have fun. That picture was taken of me when I went 4-wheeling in the Grand Canyon a few years ago. So, imagine my surprise yesterday morning when I was awakened by pounding, hammering, and muffled curses outside my house. WTH? I staggered down the stairs and saw four men with all different kinds of equipment attacking my house. It seems that owners of the residence where the cat and I live in relative harmony wants to put new siding on the house, and maybe, a new roof too! Talk about FUN!! WELL YE HAW! Did anyone call the MA Fat Woman and tell her that this was supposed to happen? No. I called the cops on them. A few hours later my landlord called and said they were going to be doing some remodeling and would need to be in an out of the house for a few days. I said I wasn't going to be home and have moved in with my Mom for the next few days. That'll teach them a lesson, I'm sure. Don't they know they're supposed to call first.

Age Related Questions

I've spent a lot of time in front of the mirror lately. No, I don't consider myself vain, but I do like to present a pleasant exterior for the outside world to see. I don't do the "mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all" saying every time I glance at my reflection. After all, if you've been paying attention you'll remember that my sister (Big Red) is the fair-skinned member of our close knit family. I don't comb my hair a lot either. If I comb it too much it starts to fall out. Mostly, I do the Arthur Fonzarelli (The Fonz) when it comes to my hair. I'll saunter up to the mirror, cock my head from one side to the other, give myself a thumbs up and an "Aaaayyyy" and out the door I'll go. Whether you're male or female as you age certain issues begin to arise. Here are a few of the questions that I have when I search my reflection and wonder exactly who it is that is staring back at me. 1. Will I ever outgrow pimples, bumps and zits? 2. Will my hairline recede any slower if I start doing the comb over? 3. Is Grecian Formula just for men? (I'm going gray at the temples.) 4. Should I be offended if I get the Senior discount at Kroger? (I'm years away from that, officially anyway.) 5. Why do all of the young people keep calling me "Ma'am?" 6. Why do I have to spend as much time plucking black hairs on my chin than shaving my legs? 7. Why can't I figure out these new video games? (Nobody, and I mean nobody, can beat me at Galaga or Tempest.) 8. Why can't I find a career that's both rewarding and interesting? 9. At what age can I begin to have my midlife crisis? 10. Why do I consider cartoons goofy and boring? 11. Why is the President only 6 years older than me? 12. Will kids ever pull up their pants? 13. Will Steve Perry ever go back to Journey? 14. Why is gravity harder on women than on men? (A man that ages has character and ruggedness, a woman just looks like an old hag) Lastly, how can I get some of that bailout money? At my age, I've already lost half of my 401K and got laid off from one of my jobs. You can send my stimulus check in care of the MA Fat Woman. I'll be waiting, because I need some stimulation too.

I Made The Switch

I don’t usually get upset about things—it really doesn’t help the situation. However, I am highly annoyed at the Obama Administration for extending the time that folks have to make the switch to digital cable. No, this isn’t a paid endorsement from the cable company. It isn’t a PSA from DTV.gov. It’s an honest to goodness irate citizen that is sick and tired of hearing my local news announcers count down the days until the February 17, 2009 deadline. Well, guess what? It’s February 17, 2009 and now the US of A has to wait an additional 4 months before the grand switch can be made. Do you think that will make any difference? Do you think that the folks who didn’t switch before this deadline will make the switch before the next deadline. Me neither. This was such an important day for me that I broke all of my previous rules. My blog isn't a picture blog, there are no bells and whistles. Just the text ma'am, just the text. I wanted to prove to myself and others that I could make the switch. I could make my blog digital. I even uploaded the how-to-video on how to install the digital converter box. All of this talk about switching and converting and countdowns has turned me into a nervous wreck. Four more months of countdowns. Four more months of "if you receive your television signal through an antenna it won't work after such and such date." I'm sick of it! No more delays. P.S. I'm counting down the days when I won't have to hear that silly announcement anymore, aren't you?

No Explanation Needed

I've been having some problems with my right knee and decided to pay a visit to my general practitioner to see what was going on. After the usual poking and prodding I was instructed to lift my sweat pants up above my knee. And that's where the trouble started. If you're new to this adventure or if you might have forgotten about the contest that my mother and I are having you can check it out here. My doctor took both hands and started pulling on my knee. He turned it this way and turned it that way. All the while keeping a straight face as my prickly hairs stabbed him with each grasp. You see it's been almost a month since the Lady Bic touched the MA Fat Woman, and I'm telling you straight, it ain't a pretty sight. I was in such pain that I just had to tell the truth: "I'm sorry I haven't shaved my legs but my mom and I are having a contest to see who can lose ten pounds the fastest and we can't shave our legs until we both do." He just looked at me and smiled, "No explanation needed, I've seen way hairier legs than yours, mostly on men, but, still hairier than you."

My Funny Valentine

Roses are red and violets are blue From the MA Fat Woman Happy Valentine's Day to You ! I know it's kinda lame but it's the thought that counts, right? I was going to send you a box of chocolate but I ate them instead. And they were good. What did one strawberry say to the other strawberry? If you weren't so fresh we wouldn't be in this jam. Knock, Knock, Who's there? Chesterfield Chesterfield who? Chesterfield my leg so I slapped him. Knock, knock Who's there? Butch, Jimmy and Joe Butch, Jimmy and Joe who? Butch your arms around me, Jimmy a kiss, or I'll Joe home. XOXOXO Happy Valentine's Day! MA Fat Woman

How Superstitious Are You?

In one way or another I bet every person out there has a superstition that makes them be just a bit more careful on specific days, especially Friday the 13th. I've come up with a list of the things that I try to or try not to do to keep the bad juju away. See how many you know about or list your own in the comments section. 1. Don't leave your house on Friday 13th or even look out the window. 2. Don't walk under a ladder. 3. Don't let a black cat cross your path. (This one doesn't bother me too much because my cat is black.) 4. Step on a crack and you'll break your mamma's back. 5. Crossing your fingers for luck. 6. Crossing your legs for luck. 7. Crossing every part of your body for luck. 8. Saying "break a leg" to someone in the theatre. 9. Carrying around an item you consider lucky such as a rabbit's foot, lucky charms, or your children's baby teeth. 10. Keeping to the same routine no matter what happens. (That could be OCD!) 11. I always put my left leg in first when I put my pants on. 12. I used to always have to talk to one of my friends before I played in a basketball game. 14. Tossing salt over your shoulder when you spill it. 15. Kissing someone for luck. 16. Think positive thoughts. 17. And my personal favorite: Keep telling everyone that will listen, that one day, your luck is going to change, that proverbial ship is going to come in. You're doing all of those things that I just mentioned. You've crossed yourself until you resemble a pretzel. You've done the same thing for the last ten years. Your mom's back isn't broken and there's no way possible that the MA Fat Woman is getting anywhere close to a ladder. So, I'm doing all the right things, I'm staying positive, my luck is about to change, right?